{"id":2952,"date":"2022-04-04T11:07:38","date_gmt":"2022-04-04T05:07:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/?page_id=2952"},"modified":"2024-02-15T08:40:54","modified_gmt":"2024-02-15T14:40:54","slug":"four-horsemen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/four-horsemen\/","title":{"rendered":"What are the Four Horsemen"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What are the Four Horsemen?<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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John and Judy Gottman are researchers who studied many couples and their communication styles and identified four common and problematic communication errors known as the Four Horsemen. The Four Horsemen are problematic communication errors that might come up in fights or arguments with your partner. The first is criticism. This when we attack our partner\u2019s character by way of statements such as, \u201cYou\u2019re always so selfish!\u201d The second is contempt. This is known as possibly the worst communication error. This is when you mock your partner with insults, eye rolls, or sarcasm. The third horseman is defensiveness. This happens when we observe our partner\u2019s statement as an attack (typically in response to a criticism), so the goal is to defend ourselves. This might look like blaming your partner or playing the victim. Finally, the fourth horsemen is stonewalling. Stonewalling is typically in response to contempt, and is when one partner shuts down and stops talking. The biggest problem with Four Horsemen is that most of the time couples don\u2019t even realize they are committing them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do the Four Horsemen affect my relationship?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The Four Horsemen can have detrimental effects on each partner\u2019s mental health and the relationship as a whole. Things like criticism or contempt can impact the receiving person\u2019s self esteem, stress level, anxiety, and depression. The Gottmans have found that relationships which endorse these communication errors have a 90% chance of breaking up if they do not correct them ahead of time. Further, research has found that viral infections (such as colds and flus) are more prevalent in couples which both partners endorse contempt. This is because of the weakened immune systems that are caused by heightened stress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What are the antidotes for the Four Horsemen?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The first step to take in correcting the Four Horsemen is to become aware that they are being committed. The antidote to criticism is to be specific and use \u201cI\u201d statements to convey your feelings to your partner.  For example, \u201cI feel frustrated when I come home and the house is messy.\u201d The antidote for contempt is to treat one another with respect and create a relationship of fondness and admiration. The antidote for defensiveness is taking responsibility for actions. You can try to say something like, \u201cYou\u2019re right. I didn\u2019t have enough time to clean. I\u2019m sorry, and I\u2019ll do it now.\u201d The antidote for stonewalling is to take a break when you\u2019re feeling like you might shut down. This might look like telling your partner, \u201cI am feeling a bit emotionally flooded right now. Can we talk about this in an hour?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can read more about the Four Horsemen at Gottmans’ website: https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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This page is also part of the\u00a0Roamers Therapy Glossary<\/strong><\/a>; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page<\/a> to access detailed information on our office location.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What are the Four Horsemen? John and Judy Gottman are researchers who studied many couples and their communication styles and identified four common and problematic communication errors known as the Four Horsemen. The Four Horsemen are problematic communication errors that might come up in fights or arguments with your partner. The first is criticism. This […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[30],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2952"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2952"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2952\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4212,"href":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2952\/revisions\/4212"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2952"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2952"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/roamerstherapy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2952"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}