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 It’s What You Say AND How You Say it: Effective Communication in Conflict

Conflict is a part of every relationship, whether professional, familial, social, or romantic. How we navigate these relationships during conflict moments determines whether they create damage or strengthen them. Often, people tend to focus on the words exchanged during a conflict, rather than on how these words are delivered. The way these words are delivered changes depending on the tone used, the speaker’s body language, and the emotional undertones to shape the outcomes of these words. Becoming aware of your communication style during a conflict is the first step in improving it. In this therapy sketch, we will dive into effective communication during conflict, enhanced by insights from the Gottman Method.

Defensiveness in Conflict

One of the most common rebuttals to start, end, or explain a conflict is “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”. In reality, when it comes to the sometimes complex and nuanced endeavor of resolving conflict, both what you say and how you say it matter. How we communicate during conflict determines the likelihood of a favorable or unfavorable outcome to the disagreement.

How we communicate in the heat of conflict is often dictated by the emotional response we feel to what is happening in the conflict. Defensiveness, a response that results from feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, and anxiety, to name a few, is often an obstacle to healthfully resolving conflict. According to John Gottman, defensiveness is one of the “Four Horsemen” that predict romantic relationship breakdowns. It often arises from underlying emotions such as anger, hurt, frustration, or anxiety, becoming a barrier to resolving issues constructively. Defensiveness can manifest in our word choice, body language, and tone, and it happens in all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones.. A helpful way to identify whether defensiveness is present is to examine common forms of communication and consider how we engage with them during conflict. Passive, Passive-Aggressive, Assertive, and Aggressive are the most common forms of communication that can be identified in conflict.

 Common forms of communication

A passive communication style is when a person avoids expressing their thoughts and opinions in order to avoid conflict with others. This might look like repeated apologies and making statements like “here we go again…”. Frequent indecision and giving in to others’ opinions are other signs of this communication style. As a result, passive communicators may suffer from others making decisions for them, as they cannot be clear about their wants and needs. 

When silent treatment is used instead of addressing the problems directly, or sarcasm is a way to deliver remarks, passive-aggressive communication is typically involved. Sarcasm can mask true feelings in a humorous or mocking tone, whereas backhanded compliments conceal criticism behind seemingly polite words. Instead of confronting the issue directly, giving the cold shoulder to avoid another person is a way to escape the explanation of feelings, which is a passive-aggressive form of communication. The feeling of anger towards someone who does not follow the orders comes out in behaviors that suggest they are unhappy, instead of communicating the feelings verbally. Since the passive-aggressive communicator does not reflect how they feel verbally, in the long term, their underlying anger might cause unresolved issues that are never resolved. 

Aggressive communication involves yelling, blaming, and shaming, which can be considered a disrespectful way of interaction. Making personal attacks, cursing, and name-calling are the behaviors that aggressive communicators often use to dominate others rather than trying to engage in a balanced conversation. Those who communicate aggressively often tend to talk over others by frequently interrupting them, as they do not have consideration for the point of view of others’ questions or reactions. Expressing themselves in such a degrading way of speaking towards others can damage trust between parties or jeopardize relationships, as it creates an environment of fear or resentment rather than understanding through healthy and open communication.

Assertive communication involves expressing feelings, thoughts, and needs clearly, at the same time respecting others. In order to reduce stress and avoid the complexity of communication, being an assertive communicator is the key. Communicating assertively includes maintaining eye contact and using a confident posture while speaking. These people tend to be honest and open without blame or shame, but always use a neutral level tone to share their thoughts or feelings, choosing respectful words. By doing so, they make an effort to acknowledge the feelings of others, which creates an environment where both parties can express themselves openly for healthy communication and to feel understood. According to Gottman, assertiveness aligns closely with using “soft starts,” which involve expressing complaints or concerns gently and respectfully. This method fosters open dialogue and mutual understanding, significantly enhancing romantic relationship satisfaction.

 
The most ineffective forms of communication in conflict are passive, passive-aggressive and aggressive because they often lead to each person in the conflict feeling defensive and acting on it, which can lead to escalation of conflict; each person leaving the situation feeling unheard and unseen; continued feelings of anger and frustration which will eventually lead to resentment; as a result, the conflict lingers and often creates permanent and/or irreparable damage to the relationship. So, if your communication style in conflict falls under one of the aforementioned, you most likely find that you struggle to resolve conflict in your intimate relationships, friendships, familial, and professional relationships. In order to repair and preserve these relationships and/or be able to form healthy relationships in the future, it is important that you learn to communicate more assertively in conflict.

How can therapy help me?

While the chart in the previous section offers some insight on how to communicate assertively. A therapist can aid by

  • Helping you develop more insight about why you communicate the way you do in conflict, in order to identify any obstacles that might prevent you from learning how to communicate assertively.
  • Providing you with tools related to emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness that will help you communicate assertively.
  • Providing space for roleplay so that you can practice communicating assertively during conflict and receiving feedback
  • For couples: Helping them to create a framework for healthy communication and provide opportunities for them to role-play conflict resolution with feedback on how to strengthen/build skills in this area.

Conflict is inevitable in a relationship, and communicating during conflict can be very challenging for many people due to the variety of emotional responses that it can elicit, such as defensiveness. However, effective communication in every aspect of a relationship is often the key to preserving and nurturing a healthy attachment between individuals that they love, respect, and or need to work with, in spite of conflict. Being aware of how you communicate in conflict and taking steps to change that if necessary can make your relationships much more fulfilling and long-lasting.

Take aways

  • In conflicts, both content and delivery matter – what you say and how you say it are equally important to determine the outcome of a conversation
  • Defensiveness is a common emotional reaction during conflict, and it creates harmful communication styles like passive, passive-aggressive, and aggressive style communications. 
  • Passive communication can lead to unmet needs and being unseen and unheard 
  • Passive-aggressive communication can create resentment as it involves sarcasm or avoidance to conceal real emotions
  • Aggressive communication can damage relationships, as trying to impose personal truths in an angry way is not inviting others to mutual understanding 
  • Assertive communication is the healthiest style among others as it balances honesty, empathy, and respect for others, aiming to create an open and constructive dialogue. 
  • Conflict that is handled through ineffective communication styles generally leads to unresolved problems and emotional burden. 
  • In this sense, therapy can be a powerful tool to develop self-awareness about how to practice an  assertive communication style to maintain a better relationship and create a supportive environment through dialogues. 

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