How Do Gender Roles Affect Our Relationships?

Expectations around gender affect every aspect of our lives. They affect how we are expected to behave and express emotions, which careers and we should pursue, how our families should look, how we should date and communicate, who should be in authority, and how responsibilities should be assigned. However, these roles are socially constructed expectations that can limit the expression of our unique strengths, needs, wishes, and desires, contribute to inequality and discrimination, and affect our relationships and mental health in ways we may not immediately recognize.

What are gender roles?

Simply put, gender roles are the characteristics and behaviors society expects from an individual based on their perceived gender. Traditionally, our societies have been committed to rather limited and binary ways of understanding gender (e.g., man vs. woman), and thus have developed expectations around how individuals perceived as belonging to one of these genders should behave, even though one’s gender identity can be expressed beyond these binary categories. Similarly, these expectations shape how society responds to or imposes consequences on individuals who do not conform to or perform these gender roles.

As we grow up, we internalize these gender roles so deeply that they begin to guide our behaviors, relationships, and decisions without our awareness. We start learning them by observing others, by being rewarded for our gender-conforming behaviors and punished for gender-nonconforming behaviors in our families, schools, and communities while growing up. Eventually, these become shortcuts for how we understand and see the world, as our brains often can’t help but organize what they observe into schemas and templates that can later be used to make sense of things.

Freeing ourselves and our relationships from the constraints of these internalized expectations requires honest, curious reflection and an exploration of more authentic, less restrictive ways of understanding ourselves and others.

Gender roles in romantic relationships

When we talk about gender roles, stereotypes such as individuals perceived as men being expected to be strong, hide their emotions, and pursue leadership roles, while individuals perceived as women being expected to be gentle, caring, and nurturing, often come to mind.

While these stereotypes still exist and are things we need to overcome as a society, gender roles go far beyond the simple breadwinner–caregiver stereotype in romantic relationships. In fact, learned expectations around gender create a “gendered script” for our relationships, through which we may come to live our relationships as if we are playing parts in a written play, instead of living out our true wishes and desires for connection and intimacy. Specifically, gender roles can affect our relationships in the following ways:

Gender roles shape who we see as an ideal partner and who we choose to date.

Example: seeking qualities of “strength/safety” in individuals perceived as men or “nurturing or emotional depth” in individuals perceived as women, even though others are not responsible for embodying a single role for us, and these qualities can be strengths in anyone, regardless of gender.

Gender roles affect bonding behaviors, such as who initiates dates, who leads s-xually, or who manages activities or finances.

Example: individuals perceived as men are often expected to initiate, pay, or lead, whereas individuals perceived as women are expected to be receptive or accommodating, even though these roles are not inherently tied to gender and can be shared or fluid in healthy relationships.

Gender roles influence emotional labor, such as who manages the relationship or handles conflict.

Example: individuals perceived as women are often expected to smooth over conflict and maintain harmony in romantic relationships, whereas individuals perceived as men are more readily accepted when they withdraw or are less emotionally expressive, even though emotional regulation and open communication are relational responsibilities in this instance, and not gendered ones.

Gender roles shape intimacy and s-xuality, including who initiates or whose desires are prioritized.

Example: individuals perceived as men are often expected to initiate s-x, while individuals perceived as women are expected to perform or participate in ways that regulate or moderate the other’s desire, even though desire and preferences can vary across individuals regardless of gender.

Gender roles can also distort what we feel, which can even make basic care or support seem like exceptional “acts of love.”

Example: caring and supporting one’s partner or doing chores in shared spaces are often expected from individuals who are perceived as women by society, whereas when the same level of care and support is provided by individuals perceived as men, it is seen as exceptional, even though mutual care should be the baseline in relationships. If we internalize such expectations, we may feel pressure to overly thank an individual perceived as a man for doing chores or supporting us, for example.

Gender roles do not only affect heteros-xual relationships

Gender roles can affect our relationships even beyond heteronormative contexts (for example, heteros-xual partnerships between cisgender men and women). Similarly, we might have unconsciously internalized gender roles, and even if we are explicitly rejecting traditional gender norms, they may still show up in our relationships.

That is why LGBTQ+ identifying and gender non-conforming individuals can also be unintentionally influenced by learned gender schemas and cultural scripts about how people perceived as “men” or “women” are expected to behave.

If we are still operating on gender schemas and have not yet reflected on how they might be affecting us at a micro level, they can show up in our relationships. For example, we may project gender-role-based expectations onto our partner based on cues such as appearance, voice, or personality. When we perceive certain traits as more traditionally associated with men or women, we might unintentionally impose restrictive assumptions about who should initiate, protect, or make decisions, even though these roles are not inherently tied to gender and can be shared and shaped through open communication and individual preferences.

How can therapy help?

Both individual and couples therapy can help us move beyond these limited gender-based scripts of life, and help us connect with, express, and realize our true personal values, wishes, and desires. Therapy can help us:

Notice and identify how some parts of ourselves or our relationships might be based on hidden expectations around gender rather than our authentic choices
Gain clarity on our personal values and goals, and differentiate them from internalized and limiting gender roles
Redistribute emotional and practical labor in our relationships more fairly, not based on gender but on actual individual strengths and preferences.
Reduce internalized shame around identity and gender.
Understand sources of discrimination and oppression related to gender identities, and explore ways of addressing them personally, relationally or socially.
Build relationships based on personal values and compatibility rather than limited gendered expectations.

Takeaways

Gender roles are the characteristics and behaviors society expects from an individual based on their perceived gender.
Gender roles are socially constructed expectations that can limit the expression of our unique strengths, needs, wishes, and desires, contribute to inequality and discrimination, and affect our relationships and mental health in ways we may not immediately recognize.
In romantic relationships, gender roles can shape who we see as an ideal partner and who we choose to date, affect bonding behaviors (such as who initiates dates, who leads s-xually, or who manages finances), influence emotional labor (such as who manages the relationship or handles conflict), and shape intimacy and s-xuality, including whose desires are prioritized.
Expectations based on gender can distort what we feel, making basic care or support seem like exceptional “acts of love.” These roles are not limited to heteros-xual relationships and can persist even when we reject traditional norms, as they are often internalized early in life.
Therapy can help us notice hidden gendered expectations, clarify personal values versus internalized roles, and create more balanced emotional and practical responsibilities in relationships, while also reducing shame and exploring the impact of discrimination.

References

Gewirtz-Meydan, A., Sowan, W., Estlein, R., & Winstok, Z. (2024). Rights or obligations: The extent to which s-xual desire and gender roles determine s-xual intimacy in romantic relationships. Journal of s-x & Marital Therapy, 50(4), 482–497. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623x.2024.2310693
Knudson-Martin, C. (2015). When therapy Challenges Patriarchy: Undoing gendered power in Heteros-xual couple relationships. In SpringerBriefs in family therapy (pp. 15–26). https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-13398-0_2
Päivinen, H., & Holma, J. (2017). Towards gender awareness in couple therapy and in the treatment of intimate partner violence. Journal of Gender-Based Violence, 1(2), 221–234. https://doi.org/10.1332/239868017×15090095287019
Salvati, M., Pistella, J., & Baiocco, R. (2017). Gender roles and internalized s-xual stigma in gay and lesbian persons: a quadratic relation. International Journal of s-xual Health, 30(1), 42–48. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2017.1404542
Smoliak, O., Rice, C., LaMarre, A., Tseliou, E., LeCouteur, A., & Davies, A. (2022). Gendering of care and care inequalities in couple therapy. Family Process, 61(4), 1386–1402. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12804
Smoliak, O., Al‐Ali, K., LeCouteur, A., Tseliou, E., Rice, C., LaMarre, A., Davies, A., Uguccioni, B., Stirling, L., Dechamplain, B., & Henshaw, S. (2023). The third shift: Addressing emotion work in couples therapy. Family Process, 62(3), 1006–1023. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12906