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Learning the Skills Behind Better Relationships

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There is probably no single perfect recipe for being in a relationship with others. Still, many of us can likely name at least a few things we wish we could change in our relationships, things that might make them feel a little easier. Maybe we wish it felt easier to ask for what we need and stand up for ourselves. Maybe we wish we could stop doing things solely out of kindness when they come at the expense of our own needs. Perhaps we wish we could listen without immediately becoming defensive, allow ourselves to be more vulnerable, and let others truly know us. But simply recognizing these wishes does not necessarily mean we know how to act differently when those moments arise. Understanding ourselves and our patterns is an important first step, but insight alone is rarely enough to create lasting change. To respond differently, we also need practical skills we can apply in the moment. This is where Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) comes in. Rather than stopping at helping us understand why we react the way we do, DBT provides concrete interpersonal effectiveness skills that teach us how to communicate our needs, set boundaries, navigate conflict, and build healthier relationships. 

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based psychotherapy that was developed to help individuals manage intense emotions and cope with distress. To achieve this, DBT teaches practical skills across four core areas : 

  • Mindfulness
  • Distress Tolerance
  • Emotion Regulation
  • Interpersonal Effectiveness

Particularly, the fourth component, interpersonal effectiveness skills, can provide us with practical skills that we often need when building and maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships.  Interpersonal effectiveness consistently means more than just talking clearly. It includes choosing responses that fit the situation, understanding others’ emotions and reactions, and managing one’s own emotions during interaction. 

At the same time, interpersonal effectiveness is not the same as competence. Competence is having specific skills, while interpersonal effectiveness is using those skills flexibly in real situations, including difficult or emotionally charged ones. Because of that, interpersonal effectiveness depends on more than a single skill; it is built upon several core components that work together to respond to interpersonal situations effectively.

  • Communication skills that include effective listening, openness, giving feedback, clearly explaining the situation, and avoiding misunderstandings
  • Relationship skills include trust, support, cooperation, and commitment
  • Emotional skills used in interpersonal communication like empathy and awareness of others’ reactions. 
  • Self-related skills like self-awareness, self-respect, and self-efficacy. 

For example, when a friend cancels your plans at the last minute, communicating effectively isn’t just about knowing what to say. First, you need to be aware of how you feel (self-awareness), manage your emotions (emotional skills), express your disappointment clearly and concisely (communication skills), and do so while respecting both the relationship and your own boundaries (relationship skills and self-respect). Interpersonal effectiveness refers to the ability to use all of these skills together in a way that is appropriate to the situation.

Even when we know what we want to say, why is it often so difficult to communicate effectively in the moment? 

Even when we want to connect with others and communicate effectively, certain factors can make it more difficult for us to use these skills in the moments we need them most. According to Linehan (2015), some of these factors are listed below:

  • Lack of needed skills: A significant portion of our social behavior develops through learning, such as observing and modeling adults and peers while growing up. If we did not have enough opportunities to observe and practice certain social behaviors, they can still feel difficult to manage even as adults. This may show up in moments when we don’t know exactly what to say or how to act to achieve the goals we have in mind. These moments do not mean that we don’t want things enough or that we are not capable of doing them. Sometimes, they simply mean that we have not had enough opportunities to learn and practice those skills.
  • Indecision: Even if we have had enough practice with certain behaviors, not knowing what we truly want or not being able to decide how to balance our needs with others’ can sometimes prevent us from responding effectively in a relationship. This uncertainty can come from many different places, as relationships often involve a great deal of ambivalence and complexity.
  • Inhibition from emotions: It can feel like two completely different things to say no to someone when you are calm and grounded versus when you are overwhelmed with anger, frustration, and emotions that leave you feeling tearful and shaky. Sometimes our feelings can get in the way of what we actually want to say and do. 
  • Short-term vs. Long-term goals: It can be really difficult not to jump into making decisions or trying to fix things in the moment when we are experiencing relationship conflict. This can cause us to behave in ways that are not aligned with how we want to show up in our relationships or with our long-term goals.
  • Effect of environment and others: Even if we feel effective in achieving our interpersonal goals in our close relationships, other relationships can still feel difficult to navigate, especially when there may be negative consequences involved. For example, it may not feel equally difficult to ask for what you want from someone you trust and feel safe with versus someone with whom you experience a greater power imbalance, such as a supervisor at work.
  • Interpersonal myths: Sometimes we may hold beliefs and assumptions that can get in the way of our relationships and make it harder to advocate for ourselves or show up for others in the ways we would like. While these may have helped us make sense of past situations, over time, some of them may become less helpful or more rigid than we need them to be in our current relationships.

Core Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills 

Although these factors make interpersonal effectiveness challenging, DBT maintains that these difficulties can be overcome through three goals:

  • Achieve your goals with others (Objective Effectiveness): Learning skills that help you communicate your needs clearly and make effective requests, say no when needed, and advocate for yourself while respecting others.
  • Build and maintain healthy relationships (Relationship Effectiveness): Developing skills to form meaningful connections and strengthen existing ones, address problems and repair conflicts when needed, and, just as importantly, recognize when it may be necessary to end harmful relationships.
  • Find balance in relationships: Learning skills to find a “middle path”, where you balance your own self-respect with others’ perspectives more flexibly, and allow both acceptance and change in your life.

However, these three goals do not carry the same weight in every interpersonal interaction. In some situations, your priority might be to get what you want, while in others, maintaining the relationship or preserving your self-respect and values might be more important. Therefore, the first step in interpersonal effectiveness in DBT is to determine which goal is your top priority in that particular interaction.

Once the goal has been identified, the interpersonal effectiveness skill best suited to that goal is selected. To this end, DBT offers three core skills: DEAR MAN, designed to help you get what you want; GIVE, designed to preserve the relationship; and FAST, designed to protect your self-respect. The goal is to enable you to communicate more effectively by selecting the skill best suited to your current priority, rather than using the same communication style in every situation.

  • DEAR MAN: DEAR MAN is a skill among interpersonal effectiveness skills that supports objective effectiveness. It is used when you need to make a request, set boundaries, say “no,” or negotiate an issue. The purpose of this skill is not to win over the other person or prove yourself right, but to ensure that you can express your needs clearly, concisely, and effectively. DEAR MAN consists of seven steps:
    • Describe: Explain the situation without adding your own interpretation, using only observable facts.
    • Express: Share the feelings and thoughts the situation evokes in you.
    • Assert: Clearly state what you want or don’t want.
    • Reinforce: Explain how meeting your request will benefit both parties.
    • Mindful: Don’t let your attention wander from your goal during the conversation.
    • Appear Confident: Convey confidence through your tone of voice, body language, and posture.
    • Negotiate: Be flexible when necessary and come up with alternative solutions.
  • GIVE: The purpose of every conversation is not necessarily to get what we want. Sometimes our priority is to preserve the relationship with the other person, maintain trust, or manage conflict constructively. GIVE is a skill that supports relationship effectiveness and focuses on maintaining warmth, respect, and cooperation during communication. The goal of GIVE is not always to reach agreement; even if a disagreement arises, it is to minimize the damage to the relationship.
  • GIVE consists of four key components:
    • Gentle: Avoid threatening, accusing, or using an aggressive tone.
    • Interested: Listen genuinely to the other person and show interest in what they say.
    • Validate: Show that you understand the other person’s feelings and experiences (this does not necessarily mean you agree with them).
    • Easy manner: Smiling, using appropriate humor, and adopting a gentle communication style can make the interaction easier.
  • FAST: In some situations, what’s more important than getting what you want or maintaining the relationship is being able to preserve your self-respect at the end of the conversation. FAST is a skill that supports self-respect, effectiveness, and helps a person act in accordance with their own values. The primary goal of FAST is to be able to walk away from a conversation without thinking, “I wish I hadn’t compromised myself.” FAST consists of four components:
    • Fair: Be fair to both yourself and the other person.
    • Apologies: Apologize only when it’s truly necessary; don’t apologize for your needs or boundaries.
    • Stick to values: Do not compromise your own values, even when under pressure.
    • Truthful: Avoid exaggerating, making excuses, or distorting the truth

Takeaways:

  • While insight is an important first step, creating change in relationships can also require learning and practicing new skills. 
  • DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness skills help us communicate our needs effectively, build and maintain meaningful relationships, navigate conflicts, find balance between honoring ourselves and respecting others, and recognize when stepping away from a relationship may be necessary.
  • Many factors, such as lack of practice, uncertainty, emotions, environment, short-term focus, or unhelpful beliefs, can make interpersonal effectiveness more difficult. Recognizing these factors can help us approach ourselves with understanding while building new skills.
  • In DBT, interpersonal effectiveness involves identifying the primary goal of an interaction and selecting the skill best suited to that goal. 
  • DBT provides three core interpersonal skills named DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST to correspond to three core interpersonal goals.

References and further reading

  • Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
  • Emotion Regulation and Beyond: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy by Roamers Therapy: https://roamerstherapy.com/dialectical-behavioral-therapy-emotion-dbt/
  • Wu, S.-I., Liu, S.-I., Wu, Y.-J., Huang, L., Liu, T.-J., Kao, K.-L., & Lee, Y.-H. (2023). The efficacy of applying the Interpersonal Effectiveness skills of dialectical behavior therapy into communication skills workshop for clinical nurses. Heliyon, 9. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.heliyon.2023.e14066
  • Said, N. Y., Saleh, S., & I. (2025). Effectiveness of Interpersonal Communication of Employees in the Department of Communication, Informatics, Statistics and Coding of Gowa District. Jurnal Ad’ministrare. https://doi.org/10.71309/administrare.v12i2.9610
  • Yulikhah, S., Bukhori, B., & Murtadho, A. (2019). Self concept, self efficacy, and interpersonal communication effectiveness of student. Psikohumaniora: Jurnal Penelitian Psikologi. https://doi.org/10.21580/pjpp.v4i1.3196
  • Williams, W. C., Morelli, S. A., Ong, D. C., & Zaki, J. (2018). Interpersonal Emotion Regulation: Implications for Affiliation, Perceived Support, Relationships, and Well-Being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115, 224–254. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000132
  • Atta, M. H., Abdelaliem, S. M. F., Alabdullah, A., & Ghazi, G. (2024). Effect of Interpersonal Effectiveness Skill Training Intervention on Social Functioning and Communication Competence Among Clients With Depressive Disorder. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care. https://doi.org/10.1155/2024/6564098
  • Bumann, M., & Younkin, S. (2022). Applying Self Efficacy Theory to Increase Interpersonal Effectiveness in Teamwork. Journal of Invitational Theory and Practice. https://doi.org/10.26522/jitp.v18i.3772
  • DBT Tools. Interpersonal effectiveness skills. Retrieved July 24, 2026, from https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/index.php 
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At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy. 

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