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Home is not a place; it is a feeling

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When someone says, “Home is not a place; it is a feeling,” what they are referring to is emotional security most of the time, actually. Most of us think of home as somewhere we feel comfortable and safe. And yes, that includes the physical side of things like having a roof over your head, a place to rest, a space that protects you. But home is more than that. It is also the emotional experience of being able to relax, to let your guard down, and to trust that you are okay there. It is the place where you don’t have to stay alert, manage other people’s emotions, or worry about what might go wrong next. And this feeling is built in childhood. It develops through everyday experiences between you and your caregiver, like how your stress is handled, how your emotions are responded to, and whether you feel protected when things are hard (Cummings & Davies, 2010; Davies & Cummings, 1994). When children grow up in environments where they feel emotionally safe, that sense of “home” becomes something they carry inside them. When that safety is inconsistent or threatened, the feeling of home can become fragile, tied to vigilance rather than comfort. Over time, these early experiences shape not just how children relate to their family, but how they experience emotional safety throughout their lives (Cummings & Davies, 2010; Davies & Cummings, 1994).  In this therapy, we will explain the concept of emotional security in the family context.

What is Emotional Security?

Emotional security is the experience of feeling safe, protected, and stable in your relationships (Davies & Cummings, 1998; Cummings & Davies, 2010). Think about your comfort person and why you name them as your “comfort person”. It is not because you know that they won’t hurt you physically. You also know that you are not in an emotional threat in the relationship; you are not worried about whether your relationship will last, and they will support you in a difficult situation. If you are feeling emotionally secure within a relationship, that means the relationship is regulatory for you; you are not perceiving the environment or relationship as risky or dangerous (physically or emotionally).

And this sense of security is shaped in early interactions (generally dates back to relationships with your family). Because the family is the primary context for a child, emotional security is largely built on how parents manage their emotions, how they handle conflicts, and how predictable the system you grow up in is (Davies & Martin, 2013). Children are not bystanders, and therefore, they interpret these experiences in terms of their own security. When family relationships are inconsistent, threatening, or unsolvable, it can be perceived as a threat.

Today, this concept evolved beyond a feeling and become a very detailed theory called Emotional Security Theory. This theory proposes that one of children’s fundamental goals within the family system is to maintain emotional security. According to the theory, conflicts between caregivers, in particular, directly affect how securely children perceive the family as a structure(Davies & Cummings, 1994; Davies, Martin, & Cicchetti, 2012). Emotional security is addressed through three components: 

  • the child’s response to conflict, 
  • the child’s perception of the family as a secure structure, 
  •  the child’s ability to form secure attachments.

Each of them affects this feeling of “home.” Lets tahe a closer look at how these components affect the perception of emotional security:

  • Emotional responses to conflict: Conflicts (especially if they are between caregivers) create intense emotions such as fear, distress, or anxiety. You might simply think that everyone experiences these kinds of emotions when they are witnessing a conflict; however, these can be harder to tolerate for children, as their emotion regulation system is not fully developed.  The conflict can be perceived as something serious to challenge their sense of safety. Repeated exposure to intense or unresolved conflict leads to chronic dysregulation. Over time, this chronic emotional dysregulation shifts the meaning of “home” from a place of calm to a context that requires constant alertness (Cummings & Davies, 2010).
  • Regulation of exposure to conflict: Children actively manage how close they are to perceived threats. Some withdraw or avoid conflict to protect themselves, while others become overly involved and try to intervene or even soothe caregivers. Although these strategies may reduce their stress in the short term, they might also think that safety is unstable and must be actively managed. As a result, the home becomes a place where children feel responsible for maintaining emotional balance rather than one that provides it (Cummings & Davies, 2010).
  • Internal representations of the family: Through repeated experiences, children develop internal representations about whether their family is dependable, whether caregivers can handle stress, and whether relationships will endure during difficult moments. When emotional security is supported in a constant way, children view the family as a stable structure that can tolerate conflict without falling apart. On the other hand, when security feels threatened, our feelings can center around uncertainty, fear, or worry that things are falling apart. These feelings go beyond childhood and can shape how we later experience closeness, trust, and emotional safety in our relationships (Cummings & Davies, 2010).

Whether through immediate emotional reactions, managing conflict exposure, or the internal representations about family, the main point is regulation. 

Regulation

Regulation refers to a person’s capacity to manage their emotional, physiological, and behavioral responses. In other words, regulation concerns how much the body and emotions escalate when faced with a stressful or challenging situation, how long it takes for them to manage, and whether the person can return to a balanced state (Blaustein & Kinniburgh, 2010). 

In childhood, regulation does not begin as an individual skill. Early regulation develops largely through coregulation, that is, through the caregiver regulating the child’s emotional system from the outside (Blaustein & Kinniburgh, 2010). The caregiver’s calming, naming of emotions, setting boundaries, and providing a predictable structure help the child transition from a state of overstimulation to a balanced state. However, when the family environment is emotionally unsafe for example, when conflicts are intense, unsolvable, or unpredictable, this regulatory process is disrupted. The child cannot find a reliable external source to turn to for calming, and as the state of stress persists, chronic dysregulation may develop. From an ARC perspective, this situation may manifest itself in patterns such as a narrowed tolerance window, hypervigilance, or emotional withdrawal (Blaustein & Kinniburgh, 2010; Hodgdon et al., 2016). At this point, the problem is not that the child “cannot control their emotions,” but that the relational ground on which regulation develops is not sufficiently supportive.

Therefore, regulation is a central concept in both Emotional Security Theory and the ARC model. Emotional security is only possible when the child experiences that stress can be regulated when they experience stress. The ARC model comes into play precisely at this point, addressing regulation not as an individual skill but as a developmental capacity learned and strengthened within relationships(Cummings & Davies, 2010; Blaustein & Kinniburgh, 2010).

What to do to support emotional safety and regulation?

The information above might provide insight about emotional security and why the concept of regulation is important during childhood. But you might wonder what to do if you are not feeling safe emotionally, or maybe you are looking for ways to provide emotional safety for your child. At this point, what we can highlight is that emotional security is not something a person or children builds alone. For children, this means changes within the family system. For adults, rebuilding emotional security also happens through relational experiences. Both Emotional Security Theory and regulation-focused frameworks emphasize that safety is restored when stress can be noticed, contained, and resolved within relationships. Emotional safety grows when difficult moments lead not to emotional abandonment or chaos, but to connection and repair. Below are some of the most important ways emotional security can be supported:

  • Providing Predictability and Consistency: Predictability means that emotional responses, routines, and boundaries are reliable rather than random. For example, when a child knows what happens after school, how bedtime usually goes, or how a caregiver typically responds to distress, their nervous system can relax. For adults, predictability shows up in relational patterns like knowing how a partner responds during conflict, what to expect from close relationships, or having routines that create stability. In both cases, predictability reduces uncertainty and helps the environment feel safer rather than chaotic.
  • Emotional Availability: Being emotionally present and responsive.  For example, when a child is upset, and a caregiver pauses, listens, and names the child’s feelings instead of dismissing or fixing them, the child experiences being emotionally held. For adults, emotional availability involves being in relationships where emotions are acknowledged and met with understanding rather than avoidance or criticism.
  • Repair After Difficult Moments: Emotional safety isn’t about avoiding conflict altogether; it’s about how we respond after stress or disagreements. Repairing relationships means recognizing when someone is upset, accepting responsibility when necessary, and finding ways to reconnect after tough moments. For children, this process shows that relationships can face challenges without falling apart. For adults, engaging in repair helps to counter the idea that conflict always leads to abandonment or losing connection (Cummings & Davies, 2010; Blaustein & Kinniburgh, 2010).

Takeaways:

  • Emotional security is not about the absence of stress or conflict, but about feeling safe when stress is present.
  • Children do not develop emotional security on their own; it is built through consistent, responsive, and regulated relationships.
  • When emotional safety is threatened, children’s behaviors often reflect attempts to restore regulation
  • Across the lifespan, emotional security can be strengthened through predictability, emotional availability, and repair within relationships.

References:

  • Cummings, E. M., & Davies, P. T. (2010). Marital conflict and children: An emotional security perspective. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
  • Davies, P. T., & Cummings, E. M. (1994). Marital conflict and child adjustment: An emotional security hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin, 116(3), 387–411. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.116.3.387
  • Davies, P. T., & Cummings, E. M. (1998). Exploring children’s emotional security as a mediator of the link between marital relations and child adjustment. Child Development, 69(1), 124–139. https://doi.org/10.2307/1132078
  • Davies, P. T., & Martin, M. J. (2013). The reformulation of emotional security theory: The role of children’s social defense in developmental psychopathology. Development and Psychopathology, 25(4), 1435–1454. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579413000709
  • Davies, P. T., Martin, M. J., & Cicchetti, D. (2012). Delineating the sequelae of destructive and constructive interparental conflict for children within an evolutionary framework.Developmental Psychology, 48(4), 939–955. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0025899
  • Hodgdon, H. B., Blaustein, M. E., Kinniburgh, K. M., Peterson, M. L., & Spinazzola, J. (2016). Application of the ARC model with adopted children: Supporting resiliency and family well-being. Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma, 9(1), 43–53. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40653-015-0062-2