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How Can Intimate Partner Violence Show Up in Relationships

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According to a striking statistic shared by Oprah Winfrey on June 23, 2026, one in two women in the United States experiences sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by a partner at some point in her life. This rate is significantly higher than the “one in four women” statistic reported years ago, highlighting just how widespread and serious a public health issue intimate partner violence is. So, what exactly is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is the pattern of abusive and controlling behaviors that one partner repeatedly uses against the other to establish or maintain power and control. The defining characteristic of domestic violence is a pattern of control that persists over time and restricts a person’s safety, freedom, and right to make decisions. This control can manifest as physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional and psychological abuse, economic control, threats, intimidation, isolation, stalking, coercion, and behaviors that restrict a person’s social life or resources. While physical violence is the most visible form, in many relationships, only psychological and controlling behaviors may be present for a long period. 

Let’s define Power and Control first to understand intimate partner violence. What Is Power and Control?

In a healthy relationship, the balance of power between partners is typically flexible. Both partners participate in decision-making processes, their boundaries are respected, and their individual autonomy is preserved. Although disagreements may arise from time to time, this does not mean that one partner is attempting to establish systematic dominance over the other.

Power and control, on the other hand, refer to a relationship dynamic in which one partner attempts to direct the other’s behavior, thoughts, decisions, or social life according to their own wishes. This control can be maintained without physical violence and often manifests as emotional, economic, or psychological abuse.

The Power and Control Wheel (Duluth Model), developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, emphasizes that in intimate partner violence, physical violence is often only the visible part of a broader system of control. While physical and sexual violence form the outer ring of the wheel, the core dynamic at its center is power and control. This power and control can be sustained through the following patterns of behavior:

  • Emotional abuse
  • Isolation
  • Coercion and threats
  • Intimidation
  • Denial of wrongdoing, belittling, and blaming the victim
  • Using children as a means of control
  • Economic abuse
  • Establishing dominance by exploiting gender roles

For more detailed information on power and control dynamics in relationships, the Power and Control Wheel (Duluth Model), and coercive control behaviors, you can check out our sketch titled “Manifestations of Power and Control in Intimate Relationships.”

Types of Intimate Partner Violence in the Gottman Studies

In their research on intimate partner violence, John Gottman and Neil Jacobson have shown that not all violent behaviors follow the same pattern. Their findings reveal that the underlying motivations, physiological responses, and relationship dynamics associated with intimate partner violence can vary. Therefore, during the assessment process, it is essential to consider not only the presence of violence but also its purpose, frequency, severity, the level of fear it instills, and the power-control dynamics.

Characterological Violence

Characterological violence is defined as a chronic pattern of abuse aimed at establishing power, control, and pressure over a partner. In this pattern, abuse is not so much the result of a specific conflict as it is an integral part of the relationship’s overall dynamics.

The abuser may attempt to control their partner’s behavior, social relationships, financial resources, or daily life. In addition to physical violence, psychological abuse, threats, isolation, financial control, and intimidating behavior are frequently observed. Responsibility for the abuse is often placed on the partner, and justifications may be offered to rationalize the behavior.

In characterological violence, there is a marked power imbalance, and the partner may live in a constant state of fear. This pattern is associated with a risk of serious injury and death. For this reason, standard couples therapy is not recommended in relationships where active characterological abuse is present. The priority is to assess the safety of the person experiencing the abuse and refer them to appropriate support services.

Situational Violence

Situational couple violence refers to physically aggressive behaviors that arise from the failure to manage conflicts appropriately, rather than from chronic power and control dynamics.

In this pattern, the disagreement between the parties may gradually intensify, and at a certain point in the argument, physical behaviors such as pushing, squeezing an arm, or throwing an object may occur. Eventhough though the underlying motivation is not to establish ongoing dominance over the partner, these behaviors are still considered violence. Situational violence typically does not involve systematic intimidation, isolation, constant control, or a chronic power imbalance. The behavior is more closely related to deficiencies in emotion regulation, communication, and conflict resolution skills.

In cases where the level of violence is low, neither partner fears the other, there is no dynamic of control, and there is no risk of serious injury, couples therapy may be considered following a comprehensive safety assessment. The goal of therapy is to prevent conflicts from escalating, develop emotion regulation skills, and strengthen healthy communication patterns.

Cobras vs Pitbulls

Jacobson and Gottman have identified two basic patterns among individuals who engage in characterological violence. In their research, these groups have been metaphorically referred to as the “Cobra” and the “Pit Bull.” These labels do not refer to clinical diagnostic categories but rather summarize observed behavioral and physiological patterns.

Cobras

In individuals exhibiting the “Cobra” pattern, a decrease in physiological arousal (particularly a drop in heart rate) may be observed prior to an aggressive attack. Although these individuals may appear calm before an attack, they can use violence in a planned and goal-oriented manner.

Research shows that people who tend to engage in this type of abusive behavior may also tend to have a history of antisocial behavior, a history of crime, substance use, and violence directed at people other than their partner. Still, these behaviors may be pursued by individuals with no apparent history of these instances. Often, people who engage in this type of abusive pattern are likely aware that they hold significant power over their partner and typically use violence to get what they want or to maintain control from slipping away from them. People who experience this type of abusive behavior from their partners often report experiencing intense fear, with a marked power imbalance observed in their relationship.

Pit Bull

In individuals exhibiting the “Pit Bull” pattern, physiological arousal increases as aggression increases. These individuals may display intense emotional dependence on their partners; fear of abandonment, jealousy, and possessive behaviors are prominent.

Violence is often used to keep the partner in the relationship, increase dependence, or prevent abandonment. Psychological abuse, isolating the partner, and constantly monitoring their behavior are common characteristics. Although the level of physical violence may differ from that of the Cobra group, the risk of stalking, threats, and serious violence may persist, particularly during the separation process. For this reason, risk assessments must always be conducted with great care.

Navigating abusive patterns in our lives

While understanding the roots or contributing factors behind harmful behavior can provide insight, it does not make abusive or unsafe actions acceptable or excusable. Regardless of its form, intimate partner violence causes significant emotional and physical harm, undermines trust, and compromises a sense of safety within a relationship. Learning about different forms of violence and recognizing how they may appear in relationships can support us in connecting with the resources we need.

As we reflect on our relationships and notice patterns of harm and violence, prioritizing physical and emotional safety remains essential. However, recognizing these experiences and deciding what support is needed can be difficult, especially when a relationship feels unsafe. It can help to remember that we do not have to navigate these situations alone. Reaching out to trusted professionals, friends, family, or communities can provide a gentle start toward greater stability and support.

Takeaways

  • Domestic violence is a repeated pattern of behaviors used to gain power and control over a partner, which can include physical, emotional, sexual, economic, and psychological abuse.
  • This type of abusive behavior is often maintained through tactics related to power and control such as intimidation, isolation, threats, blame, and restricting a partner’s independence.
  • Research distinguishes between characterological violence, driven by ongoing control and fear, and situational violence, which develops from conflict escalation without a broader control pattern.
  • Gottman and Jacobson’s research uses summary descriptions of “Cobras” and “Pit Bulls” to describe different patterns of  violence, with Cobras showing calculated control and Pit Bulls showing attachment-driven aggression and fear of abandonment.
  • Learning about different forms of violence and recognizing how they may appear in relationships can support us in connecting with the resources we need.
  • However, recognizing these experiences and deciding what support is needed can be difficult, especially when a relationship feels unsafe. It can help to remember that we do not have to navigate these situations alone. Reaching out trusted professionals, friends, families or communities can provide us with a gentle start toward greater stability and support.

References & Further Reading:

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This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

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