Relax, Take It Easy… But Is It Really That Easy?

When we think about rest and relaxation, we often imagine the absence of activities or low-energy activities that allow us to slow down. For some of us, that might mean lying down, taking a nap, or watching a familiar show. But rest can take many forms. It can also involve more energy-intensive activities, like walking, cooking, drawing, stretching, or spending time with someone you enjoy. Even though these activities require energy, they can still give us a chance to mentally step away from the stress and pressures of everyday life.

This type of rest or relaxation, in which we engage in activities that require some level of energy or stimulation yet still experience the benefits of restoration and recovery, is often called active rest. For example, some of us may feel just as restored and relaxed while gardening, playing an instrument, exercising, hiking, or spending time with people we love as we do when we’re napping or watching reruns on TV.

But one can also say that they do all of these things, active and passive rest alike, and yet still don’t feel relaxed or restored, either mentally or physically. So what makes something genuinely restful and unwinding? What differentiates these activities from all the other chores and tasks we do?

What makes something restorative and relaxing?

When we are stressed for too long, we often begin to feel tension in our muscles. Our body may ache or feel stiff and closed off, with tension showing up in places like our jaw or raised shoulders. We may experience a sense of rushing or heightened alertness, a sense of overthinking or conversely feeling mentally numb, along with an increased heart rate or faster breathing. We may also feel a sense of heaviness and notice that it is harder to focus or enjoy the tasks at hand. When we are unable to truly rest and relax, even inactivity or low-energy activities, such as lying down, can still feel stressful rather than restorative.

When we rest, on the other hand, we often feel a decrease in muscle tension and alertness. We may notice our body, breathing, and heart rate slowing down. It may become easier to focus, and we may feel more equipped to take on new tasks. When we are able to genuinely experience rest and relaxation, we often also experience a sense of temporary detachment from the demands and challenges of everyday life. Our irritability and sense of overwhelm may begin to ease, making room for a greater sense of comfort and safety. Just as importantly, after proper rest and relaxation, we may feel that our capacity to engage with existing or new tasks has been restored, along with renewed motivation and a greater tolerance for challenges.

According to research (Newman et al., 2014; Sonnentag & Fritz, 2007), the kinds of rest that help us unwind and restore often do so because they meet certain psychological and physical needs that help us recover from stress. Most commonly, these include psychological detachment from our tasks and demands, relaxation (especially a sense of bodily easing and regulation, as described above), as well as a sense of mastery and control. While physical aspects of a task can bring a sense of physical calm, the other senses often come from engaging in activities that give us a sense of competence, accomplishment, choice, or agency over how we spend our time.

Interestingly, these needs are not always met through the absence of activities and chores. Sometimes, they can also be met by engaging in tasks that are quite energy-demanding, especially when they provide us with a sense of mastery, balanced control, and meaning. This is why, for some of us, spending hours hiking and climbing in the mountains or playing a really complex video game can feel more psychologically restorative than prolonged physical rest, particularly when these activities give us a greater sense of mastery and personal meaning.

When we can’t rest because of guilt

For some of us, having free time does not automatically feel relaxing. A quiet afternoon may quickly bring thoughts such as, “I should probably be doing something,” “I could use this time more productively,” or “I have too much to do to just sit here.” This experience is sometimes described as leisure guilt or relaxation guilt. Instead of fully enjoying our free time, we may feel the need to justify it, as though rest has to be earned or made productive in some way. 

These beliefs can develop for many reasons. We may become used to measuring our days through completed tasks, deadlines, grades, work, chores, or other visible accomplishments. Over time, doing something that does not produce a clear result can start to feel unfamiliar or even wrong. 

When this happens, engaging in “active rest” can become a bit tricky. We might turn to demanding and purposeful activities to manage the discomfort we feel about not being productive, rather than because we genuinely enjoy them or find them relaxing. Over time, this can end up being more emotionally and physically taxing than restorative, leaving us feeling even more depleted rather than rested.

Active rest as overproductivity and anxiety in disguise

Active rest can be greatly restorative and enjoyable, but it can also become another way of avoiding rest. The difference can be subtle. Someone might go for a walk because being outside feels calming. But that same walk can begin to feel very different when the focus shifts to reaching a certain number of steps, walking faster, burning more calories, or making sure the time is being used “well.”

A creative hobby might begin as something enjoyable and slowly turn into another project that needs to be improved, shared, completed, or even monetized. Reading for pleasure may become reading only books that teach us something useful. Even a relaxing morning routine can turn into a long checklist that needs to be completed correctly. In these situations, something that looks like rest from the outside may still carry the same pressure as work, for example.

The key is that no activity is inherently restful or stressful on its own. What causes stress or avoidance is not always the activity itself, but often our relationship with it. That is why the exact same activity, such as walking, can either become a source of restoration and detachment or a way of managing the pressure we feel to stay productive and calming the anxiety that comes with it.

How to find what is relaxing for us?

There is no single correct way to rest that would lead to same calming and grounding effects in us all. Even for the same person, some days may call for sleep and very little activity. Other days, movement, creativity, nature, social connection, or a hobby may feel more restorative. It can be helpful to think about rest less as a specific behavior and more as an experience of having fewer demands. 

Instead of asking whether an activity technically “counts” as rest, it may be more useful to notice what happens while we’re doing it. Does our attention move away from responsibilities for a while? Can we detach from everyday responsibilities and get absorbed in the said relaxing activity? Is there room for enjoyment rather than performance? Does the activity feel chosen rather than required? Do we feel a sense of mastery and agency over how we spend our time? Even if we don’t have a name for what we like yet, answering these questions can be a gentle starting point to discover what can be relaxing for us.

How can therapy help?

Therapy can provide space to explore the barries to our rest and relaxation. It can help us understand why rest may feel uncomfortable or why productivity has become so closely connected to self-worth. Similarly, it can help us discover our own meaning and values that could lead us to new revenues for relaxation and rest. 

Rather than prescribing one “correct” way to relax, therapy can help us become more aware of the beliefs, expectations, and emotions that arise when we slow down. It can also help us discover what feels meaningful and empowering for us to pursue, rather than simply following the pressures and expectations we have internalized. Over time, this can make room for a more flexible understanding of rest, one that includes both quiet moments and activities that genuinely feel restorative.

Takeaways 

• Rest can take many forms. It can mean lying down, taking a nap, or watching a familiar show, but it can also involve movement, creativity, nature, social connection, or activities that require energy and still feel restorative.
• What makes something restful is the experience it creates and needs it meets. Psychological detachment, relaxation, a sense of mastery and control can help us unwind and restore.
• Rest can become difficult when it is connected to productivity and self-worth. Leisure guilt and the feeling that our time should be used “well” can make even free time feel stressful rather than restorative.
• Active rest can be restorative, but it can also become another way of avoiding rest. The same activity can either become a source of restoration and detachment or a way of managing the pressure we feel to stay productive.
• There is no single correct way to rest. It can be helpful to notice whether an activity allows us to detach from responsibilities, make room for enjoyment rather than performance, and feel a sense of mastery, agency, and personal meaning.
• Therapy can help us understand what gets in the way of rest and relaxation. It can help us explore why rest may feel uncomfortable, how productivity has become connected to self-worth, and what feels meaningful and empowering for us to pursue, making room for a more flexible understanding of rest.

References 

• Feuerhahn, N., Sonnentag, S., & Woll, A. (2014). Exercise after work, psychological  mediators, and affect: A day-level study. European Journal of Work and Organizational  Psychology, 23(1), 62–79. https://doi.org/10.1080/1359432X.2012.709965 
• Newman, D. B., Tay, L., & Diener, E. (2014). Leisure and subjective well-being: A model  of psychological mechanisms as mediating factors. Journal of Happiness Studies,  15(3), 555–578. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-013-9435-x 
• Pressman, S. D., Matthews, K. A., Cohen, S., Martire, L. M., Scheier, M., Baum, A., &  Schulz, R. (2009). Association of enjoyable leisure activities with psychological and  physical well-being. Psychosomatic Medicine, 71(7), 725–732.  
• https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0b013e3181ad7978
• Sonnentag, S., & Fritz, C. (2007). The Recovery Experience Questionnaire: Development  and validation of a measure for assessing recuperation and unwinding from work.  Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 12(3), 204–221.  
• https://doi.org/10.1037/1076-8998.12.3.204 
• Tonietto, G. N., Malkoc, S. A., Reczek, R. W., & Norton, M. I. (2021). Viewing leisure as  wasteful undermines enjoyment. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 97,  104198. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2021.104198

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