Why Do We Sometimes Act Opposite to How We Feel?

Have you ever noticed that people sometimes act overly friendly or complimentary toward coworkers they actually don’t like, or toward whom they feel resentment or jealousy? Or sometimes with children, older siblings may show their hate or frustration with their younger sibling by being excessively loving toward them, by squeezing them too much or being aggressive when hugging them almost to the point of hurting them? Or when people act aggressively toward, or are overly disapproving of, the people they actually have a crush on or are attracted to? In this sketch, we will learn the psychological process behind such behaviors, or more particularly, the “reaction formation” defense mechanism.

What is reaction formation?

Behind the examples we gave in the introduction, where people can act too friendly or complimentary to coworkers whom they actually don’t like, or where people act aggressively toward or act too disapprovingly of the people whom they actually have a crush on or are attracted to, often lies a psychological process or defense mechanism called “reaction formation.”

Reaction formation is a psychological process in which we (often unknowingly) turn an experience, feeling, or thought into its opposite. Reaction formation is considered a “defense mechanism,” a protective strategy our mind uses to cope with otherwise unbearable or threatening aspects of our inner or external life. Like many other defense mechanisms, reaction formation generally operates unconsciously and automatically, so we may not even be aware of doing it, why we do it, or when we started. Although reaction formation and many other defense mechanisms are not problematic in and of themselves, and we all have the capacity to engage with them, they can still become rigid and overused. When this happens, it can lead to other psychological or relational issues. That is why understanding these patterns can help us make more empowered and flexible choices in the long run.

Why do we engage in patterns such as “Reaction Formation”?

Like other defense mechanisms, reaction formation is initially a protective strategy our mind uses to cope with otherwise unbearable or threatening aspects of our inner or external life. Often, we tend to cope with such painful aspects of life or live emotions that we otherwise perceive as unacceptable, not by accepting and confronting them, but often by either avoiding or denying situations which could otherwise very easily shake our beliefs about ourselves and the world, or by distorting or modifying them into more acceptable forms in our minds.

For example, reaction formation works by allowing us to deal with feelings of shame or guilt that might come up from having jealous feelings toward another person if we had actually expressed them, or it can help us manage fear and anxiety that might come up from feeling disagreement or competition toward a colleague, where actually acting on those feelings might be consequential for us, or it can help us create a distance with a crush whom we feel like we can’t express our feelings because they are in a relationship.

Often, emotions of shame, guilt, anxiety, and other conflicting feelings that arise from complicated situations in our lives are not so easy to confront or accept. However, as much as we want to not take them seriously, our minds often can’t act like our feelings don’t exist or aren’t important, and we seek relief or control over them in one way or another to maintain inner balance. Especially when negative feelings peak at certain moments or when it becomes too difficult to hold things in because we experience unusual levels of stress, we can feel this need more pronounced. When such relief and inner balance cannot be brought about with honest acceptance and acting on the original emotion, one may unknowingly resort to strategies like reaction formation to maintain an inner equilibrium or sense of control. Specifically, reaction formation provides comfort or control not by avoiding or eliminating the original feeling but by allowing some affection or internal tension to still be expressed externally, though in a form we understand as more “acceptable” in that situation.

How can therapy help?

Although reaction formation is not problematic in and of itself, and we all can engage in it, it can still become rigid and overused. Similarly, reaction formation may not always work properly, and the original feeling or thought about the event or person can still leak through this defense mechanism, so the behavior toward the other or event can look excessive or unnatural, which may deepen relationship issues or make us feel even more confused about ourselves and others. When these happen, a defense mechanism such as reaction formation can lead to other psychological or relational issues. Besides, acknowledging all aspects of our emotions and thoughts can feel more liberating and empowering in the body than allowing ourselves to feel only certain emotions, which may encourage us to reflect on these patterns in our lives.

Therapy can help us recognize these patterns or protective strategies and identify the underlying emotions. It can help us understand why certain feelings might feel unacceptable or threatening to feel and protect ourselves against, or why we choose a specific way of defending against them, such as reaction formation, instead of other ways. Therapy can also help us develop and cultivate alternative ways of expressing or integrating difficult emotions, not because there are “ideal” ways to live one’s emotions that we all should choose, but so we can feel more flexible and empowered and choose in the way that aligns with our goals and values.

Takeaways:

• Reaction formation is a psychological process where we often unknowingly turn an experience, feeling, or thought into its opposite.
• Reaction formation is initially a protective strategy that helps us cope with otherwise unbearable or threatening emotions, modifying them into more acceptable forms.
• It can help us manage shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, and other conflicting emotions, especially when we experience an ambivalent mix of feelings that feels confusing or overwhelming.
• Although reaction formation is not problematic in and of itself, it can become rigid and overused, leading to psychological or relational issues.
• Therapy can help us recognize these protective strategies, identify the underlying emotions, understand why certain feelings feel unacceptable or threatening, and cultivate more flexible and empowered ways of expressing them.

References & further reading:

• Lingiardi, V., & McWilliams, N. (Eds.). (2025). Psychodynamic diagnostic manual: PDM-3 (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
• Lingiardi, V., & Madeddu, F. (2025). Revisiting defense mechanisms in contemporary clinical practice: evidence and perspectives. Research in psychotherapy (Milano), 28(3), 877. https://doi.org/10.4081/ripppo.2025.877
• McWilliams, N. (2011). Psychoanalytic diagnosis: Understanding personality structure in the clinical process (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
• Minges, M.V., Starrs, C.J., Perry, J.C. (2017). Reaction Formation (Defense Mechanism). In: Zeigler-Hill, V., Shackelford, T. (eds.) Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_1420-1

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At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy. 

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