Working Through Guilt
Roamers Therapy | March 2024
The feeling that pops up when you put off doing something daily, when you are late for an event because you didn’t leave early, or when you want to change something in the past is usually referred to as guilt. The American Psychological Association (APA) describes guilt as a self-conscious emotion that stems from the negative appraisal of social situations by doing or thinking something wrong. Guilt is generally categorized as a secondary emotion, as its causes are more dependent on social influence. It also does not fall into the category of universal emotion since the facial expression of guilt is not common to every person, unlike sadness, anger, and fear. However, guilt can have a very powerful mechanism of influence on one’s relationship with oneself or others, as discussed in many therapeutic modalities, such as psychodynamic or existential. In this therapy sketch, we will discuss the emotion of guilt and how to work through it.
Guilt: What is its function?
The feeling of guilt could range from studying less for an exam or not honoring the boundaries agreed upon within the relationship. Whatever the situation, guilt is a feeling connected to having done something that we should not have done or something we should have done but did not do. The regret accompanying guilt can involve feeling sad, ashamed, and even angry at oneself for the inaction or actions.
Is guilt always a feeling that pulls us down, or does it not have a useful function? Although uncomfortable, leaning into the experience of guilt without thinking of it as good or bad can help identify what the emotion may be trying to communicate. Guilt is an emotion individual experience that relates to an individual’s moral code, determining what is “wrong” and “right.” Guilt highlights the importance of human connection and the empathy humans feel when they cause harm, intentionally or unintentionally. Guilt enables an individual to be cognizant of the impacts of their choices and, if needed, consider them in future decisions. Within relationships, guilt can signify the necessity of a repair. The guilt may not disappear immediately, but it can be coped with.
When does guilt become unhealthy?
As a biological warning mechanism, guilt can serve as a moral compass. However, it can be unhealthy when surrounded by “should” or actively exists for something that has not occurred. Instead of stemming from a mistake, where one can reflect on it and use it in the future, this form of guilt causes ongoing active distress.
For example, a caregiver may feel guilty for not cleaning the house after preparing a young child to pick up two children from school, having made dinner, and yelling at the younger child. In this case, guilt may occur because the caregiver does not feel they’re a “good” parent. Still, without modifying realistic behaviors/expectations of self or what makes a “good” caregiver, the individual will likely feel hopeless, worthless, and discouraged. At this point, guilt can quickly evolve to shame, where “I did something bad” becomes “I am bad.” This evolution can affect an individual’s professional and social realms.
Also, having unrealistic standards of social behavior can lead to unhealthy guilt. If your expectations of yourself are perfectionistic, for example, if you have unrealistic expectations of never feeling angry, always telling the truth, or never thinking badly about anyone, you are more prone to feel guilty.
How to deal with unhealthy guilt??
As with other emotions, it is not possible to eliminate guilt. Guilt is a beneficial social emotion for humans, even though it can sometimes be quite discomforting. However, when it does become unhealthy, remembering a few ways to deal with it will prevent the situation from becoming unmanageable.
- Acknowledging how guilt can have a purpose helps us identify how to continue growing or repairing relationships.
- Recognizing that if excessive negative self-talk arises when you feel guilty, acknowledge the thoughts and gently remind yourself that you have done your best and that you have learned from the experience, recognize the growth that may result from the situation.
- Motivating you to learn from the experience. Guilt doesn’t just make us feel bad; it can make us take action. It draws attention to your experience, even if it is negative. Because of what we learn, we are less likely to make the same mistake again in the future. Learning from what we have learned makes it less likely that we will make the same mistake again in the future.
- Apologizing promptly when a mistake has been made and accepting that healing from that mistake within a relationship may not automatically make things go “back to normal.” By apologizing and making amends for a behavior, we accept that there’s nothing we can do about the past and that we have done everything we can in the present. We are not perfect; everyone makes mistakes.
Consistently returning to the feeling of guilt prolongs it past the point where it may not be as purposeful or valuable. Guilt can be a good social guide if you work with it rather than against it. However, if this guidance leads you to pre-determine all your behavior and feel bad about yourself afterward, you can try some of the above strategies. Yet, if you feel that none of these are working and the guilt is detrimentally affecting your social relationships, this guidance may cause you to lose your way. In this case, seeking help from a therapist may be helpful to deal with the guilt you are experiencing.
While our physical offices are located in South Loop and Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago, Illinois for in-person sessions, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more.
This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.
While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.