Understanding Grief Through Neuroscience: A Review of The Grieving Brain
Grief, an inevitable life process for all people, is a highly complex neurocognitive process. Although grief is a universal experience, the process has many differences for each individual. Mary-Frances O’Connor, in her book ‘’The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss’’ strengthened the perspective on grief. In this invaluable contribution to the field, O’Connor emphasizes that grief is not only a psychological but also a neurocognitive process. In the present therapy sketch, the scientific findings and theoretical framework that O’Connor discusses in her book will be evaluated, and a review of the book will be presented.
The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss
Dr. O’Connor explains that grief is the natural emotional response to a loss and that grieving is the adaptation to this new reality. Grieving is framed as an adaptation process because our brain must remap this new reality of life without our loved one. To better understand this emotionally challenging adaptation process, the author looks towards neuroscience.
The brain helps us understand the world by drawing on past experiences and memories. In her book, O’Connor argues that as humans, we live in two different worlds at the same time: our real physical world and our virtual world in our minds. When we are attached to a loved one, our brain processes that they will always be with us, and the memories of our loved ones create an inner desire to know where they are and when they will return. This element of attachment is centered around a bond of closeness, where we can predict where and when we can reach our loved one. Even if we are not physically present with all our loved ones at the moment, they all have a place in our minds, and the brain feels comfortable knowing that it can reach them at any time. This is part of our attachment process, but when faced with loss, it takes a heavy blow, and our body faces a great deal of stress. This triggers our brain to send signals to find them, but in reality, we may know that we cannot reach them. These two conflicting streams of information are complex for our brain to process immediately. In this context, O’Connor writes in her book, ‘’A key problem in grief is that there is a mismatch between the virtual map we always use to find our loved ones, and the reality, after they die, that they can no longer be found in the dimensions of space and time. The unlikely situation that they are not on the map at all, the alarm and confusion that this causes, is one reason grief overwhelms us.’’ (O’Connor, 2022).
One of the most challenging aspects of the grieving process for the individual is the sentences that begin with ‘’if only’’. ‘’If only I had paid more attention to them’’, ‘’If only I had been with them at that moment’’, ‘’If only I had taken them to the doctor earlier’’… These sentences continue. But the critical thing to remember is that these thoughts in the back of our minds have nothing to do with the current reality, cannot give us any results, and will only deepen our pain. What needs to be done, however difficult, is to face the present reality and the loss, and try to realize what that loss means in your life. O’Connor (2022) refers to this dimension of grief when she says, ‘’To live life is to move with all its joys and sorrows.’’
On the other hand, in navigating this new reality, grief sparks strong emotions like panic, depression, and yearning for their return. Yearning can be defined as an unsatisfied, intense, and future-oriented appetitive desire toward a lost person. Yearning can arise from intrusive thoughts or voluntary memories as our brain attempts to understand where our loved one went. These thoughts can occur in “what-if” scenarios, which can be a mental block from accepting the reality of the loss, as we cannot relive what happened in the past. Our brain goes through these scenarios in an attempt to remap what occurred. This can make it challenging to feel like we can be “present” as we may find comfort in daydreaming of memories of our deceased loved one. Although it may feel uncomfortable, being aware of where our mind is (even in deep, sad thoughts) is more helpful in our healing process than attempting to avoid these painful emotions.
To restore a meaningful life, we have to be able to imagine that, which comes with patience, time, and self-compassion. The standard narrative of “it gets better with time” holds some truth, but it is more about learning to work through the emotions of grief to discover a new purpose. The vital question to be asking ourselves when drowning in grief is “How to restore a meaningful life?” versus “How can I get over this loss?”. We may never “get over” the loss, but we can find a way to navigate the emotions that come with it. Our brain must remap this new living reality by forming new memories and social bonds to help us not be consumed by the loss. With intention, grace, and a strong support network, we slowly start to heal and learn to live with this loss. This helps restore some hope in the journey of feeling lost.
The Grieving Brain incorporates research and neuroscience to support the idea that although losing our loved ones changes our lives, it does not mean that we cannot move on. As Dr. O’Connor outlines in the book, we will oscillate from being in a space of feeling consumed by the loss to finding more restoration. This process of envisioning, adapting, and living a new life takes patience to get to a place of acceptance. Through building support networks, navigating triggering memories, and discovering peace in carrying their memory, we start to reimagine our purpose to give us the strength to keep going forward.
3 Key Points from The Grieving Brain
- Grief is a state; grieving is the journey through it.
O’Connor points out that grief and grieving are not the same thing. Grief is the feeling experienced after a loss, possibly an emotional syndrome. Grief makes you think that the moment will never end and is extremely traumatizing. Grief is a natural reaction to the realization that the loved one is no longer in this physical reality and will remain with them even years after the loss. Grieving is a state of adaptation. It is grieving that reflects change over time in the context of grief. It is trying to understand and learn the difference between the familiar world with your loved one and the new world you experience without your loved one. In addition, grieving describes how the feeling of grief evolves over time, never going away. A unique process, grieving involves the struggle to try to reclaim life while continuing to carry the grief with us. Since grieving requires a long process, it can feel familiar after a while. Through grieving, the individual feels the pain of loss deeply, but has now learned what is good for them, discovered ways to comfort themselves, and developed coping styles.
- Even after loss, the brain continues to hold on to the loved one’s presence while acknowledging their absence.
O’Connor (2022) explains this by saying, ‘’If our loved one isn’t here, our brain believes that they are simply somewhere else, and motivates us to seek them out.’’ Bonds with loved ones lead to strong beliefs. So, even if the people with whom we have deep ties are not always with us, our brain believes that they are simply somewhere else, and motivates us to seek them out. However, the memories of the loss and the strong attachment to the loved one conflict with each other, and these two realities collide, complicating the grieving process. The phrases ‘’as if my phone is going to ring at any moment’’ or ‘’as if they are going to walk through the door right now’’ describe exactly this part of grief.
- Grieving requires a learning process.
O’Connor, who considers grieving a learning process, mentions cue learning and place learning in this context. Cue learning is the name given to learning a particular procedure by following specific steps. On the other hand, place learning is a method that enables learning by considering the situation as a whole, rather than proceeding step by step. So, which is more useful? In terms of cue learning, any change that may occur in any of the steps may complicate the process, while this is not the case in place learning. Because the situation is handled holistically, it is easier to adapt to some changes. Therefore, it is possible to state that place learning will be more beneficial.
As mentioned above, the conflicting information flowing in our brains suggests that it may take a long time to change the habits associated with the loved one. After the loss of a loved one, it is not enough to accept that the person has died; we also need to change the habitual patterns we have. Our brains need months or even years of experience to learn that we will never see the person we have lost, that we need to adjust to their absence, and that we need to form new habits to build a meaningful life.
On the other hand, considering that as humans we learn something new every day and every moment since the day we were born and that we are creatures with a strong learning capacity, defining the grieving process as a learning process can facilitate the process.
As a result, since we are conditioned in our age to achieve happiness, to avoid pain, to solve everything easily, and to overcome every problem immediately, it is natural that we do not know what to do during the grieving process, that we think it will never pass, or that we feel alone. This is because grief is a multifaceted and independent process that does not fit into any of these situations.
It is valuable to think, read, and learn about grief. As a common human experience, grief unites us all along this universal line. Therefore, Dr. O’Connor’s clarity and deep perspective on this highly complex subject are invaluable.
Takeaways:
- Grief is not just an emotional response, but a complex neurocognitive process that the brain learns over time to cope with loss.
- By experiencing both the absence and the mental presence of the loved one at the same time, the brain shapes the grieving process with an internal contradiction.
- Grieving is an active and learning-based adaptation process in which the individual recognizes their emotional reactions and develops strategies to create a new life order.
- The brain’s attachment system is based on predictability and proximity, and death disrupts this structure, causing confusion and psychological pain.
References
- O’Connor, M. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss. First edition. HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
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