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Have You Noticed How Some People Liked You Better When You Weren’t Okay?

We all like to think that healing will be a relaxing, peaceful process. However, it encompasses confronting your own reality, such as emotions that you suppress for a long time, needs that you overlooked, choices you made, decisions you postponed, and relationships you preserved even though they do not serve you anymore. These are the challenges we take into consideration when we take a step towards healing. However, one thing we missed out is that healing not just happens inside of us, it reflects all around us, including relationships with loved ones. The familiar balance with the ones around us starts to change because we start reclaiming our boundaries as we heal. But what if your struggles, the very parts of you that were not okay, offered a familiar comfort to others? One of the unspoken, uncomfortable truths about healing is that sometimes, people don’t only connect with the best of us. They also get used to relating to the parts of us that are in pain. Meaning is your not-okayness may have preserved a dynamic that made them feel needed, secure, even powerful. This situation can create a paradox, and your healing can be perceived as a threat to others. Of course, this is not because they do not care about you, just because they know and in relation to the version of you who does not prioritize their own well-being for a long time. Taking a step toward healing can lead to significant changes within you, and that means that your relationships need to change as well. In this mini sketch, we dive into the relationship aspect of healing and reshape your relationship balance as you change. 

How Being Not Okay Once Kept Some Relationships Together?

Sometimes the struggles you have may create an excellent foundation for keeping relationships together. For example, your silence might provide peace to others, or when you put others first, it makes them feel safe, or they might feel valuable when they help you deal with a problem. When you look back, you may notice the subtle ways your not-okayness kept certain relationships. Let’s take a closer look at other examples: 

  • You kept saying “yes” because you didn’t feel like you could say “no.”
  • You avoided your needs to prioritize someone else’s. 
  • A parent, who relied on your emotional caretaking, panicked (or got angry) when you set boundaries.
  • You put up with abuse and mistreatment because you were afraid of being alone. 

These types of patterns became convenient at that time. Because people who have been with you for a long time, benefiting from these balances, find stability when you weren’t healing because they know the old version of you so long that your not okayness becomes predictability.

Of course, we can not say that every relationship works the same way. They all have different patterns, different rhythms inside and outside. That’s what makes every relationship unique. Still, specific dynamics tend to repeat themselves regardless of how unique a relationship is. Here is how this situation can look like different relationship dynamics:

  • The “Fixer” Friend: This type of friend likes to “save” or help people, but becomes resentful when they succeed on their own. 
  • The Emotionally Immature Caregiver: These types of caregivers like to feel needed so that they can control their child. 
  • The Co-dependent Partner: This type of partner relies on your insecurities and low self-esteem to maintain control.
  • The Boss: The person who has power over your finances benefits from your inability to say no.

How to Outgrow These Dynamics?

When we begin healing and start to recognize that these dynamics are not serving us, it can be very confusing. Because this means that you begin to pull away from these familiar roles, and something else emerges in the place where you pull away: the grief of leaving behind the very unhealthy dynamics that once formed the foundation of your relationship. This grief is due to the loss of a relationship or the ways we once viewed the other person. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, the feelings we had were still real. Moreover, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship needs to be over or that someone intended harm. Sometimes these patterns were born out of love, habit, or simply not knowing another way. Grief, in this sense, is less about leaving someone behind and more about acknowledging the transformation of the relationship. The relationship may end or continue, but either way, it will not be the same, and that change, even when healthy, can feel like a loss.

The term “Ambiguous Loss”

This grief we experience during the healing process in close relationships is often felt as a kind of “ambiguous loss”. It is defined as a person’s deep sense of loss and sadness that can arise from feeling disconnected from one another emotionally, even when the person is still physically there, or from losing physical closeness while emotional bonds remain (Mayo Clinic, 2023; Mooney, 2023). In this sense, when you take a step towards healing, that means you are reorganized around new boundaries and identities. This reorganization can be disorienting because it changes the equilibrium for both parties. Even positive transformation carries the grief of what was once familiar. 

Signs You’re Moving On

Grief has no single timeline. For some, it passes quietly, almost unnoticed; for others, it lingers. Each process is as unique as the relationship itself, because what we grieve is not only the person, but the meaning we gave to the relationship. And yet, every grieving process has a turning point, and this leads us to move forward. Here are the signs that you are moving on and shedding the role you played in previous dynamics:

  • You start saying “no” without an apology.
  • You no longer overexplain.
  • You start disappointing people whom you once appeased. 
  • You feel relief when you stop saying “yes.”

These signs are more than minor changes; these are evidence of something bigger, reclaiming your right to be well. When you begin healing, your social dynamics will shift. This can feel strange, but it is not betrayal, nor is it disrespect. It is part of growth. You are allowed to take up space, set boundaries, and prioritize your needs. You need to acknowledge that some people may not like this, particularly if they were used to the old version of you. But it is important to remember that healing is about finding what served best for you. 

Takeaways

  • Healing changes not only you but also the balance of your relationships.
  • Sometimes your “not-okayness” created comfort and predictability for others.
  • Healing can create grief because it means leaving behind familiar but unhealthy relationship patterns.
  • Reclaiming your boundaries may upset others, but it is an essential step toward well-being.

References:

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At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy. 

Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.

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This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

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