What changes when you look at rejection through a different lens?

Rejection is not only a “no.” It is the moment when someone turns away, and you are left with silence. The pain can feel heavy because rejection is not only about what happens at that time; it provides insight into aspects of who we are and how we perceive our sense of belonging.

Research helps us understand why it hurts so intensely. Eisenberger and colleagues (2013) found that rejection activates the same brain areas as physical pain. In other words, the ache in your chest is not a metaphor; it is a literal hurt that your body experiences. From an evolutionary perspective, this also makes sense because social bonds are considered critical to our survival; therefore, we are programmed to seek a sense of belonging (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Thus, rejection is not just an emotional experience, but also a profound human experience that closely affects both psychological and physical well-being.

On the other hand, rejection does not occur in isolation; it is connected to how you perceive yourself, how you relate to others, and how you interpret events. Understanding the different types and effects of rejection enables you and your therapists to approach healing with greater clarity. In this mini sketch, we will explore these dimensions of rejection and therapeutic ways of coping with them.

Domains of Rejection Across Life Settings

Rejection can occur in various circumstances. Rejection typically describes a situation in which you push something or someone away. For example, you may reject or refuse to accept a gift. In the therapeutic setting, however, rejection often refers to the feelings of shame, sadness, and grief you feel when others do not accept you. However, rejection can also result from other life events, such as being denied a promotion at work or receiving a rejection letter from college. While any rejection can be painful, some situations can be more impactful than others. Some common types of rejection include:

Familial Rejection: Rejection from your family of origin can consist of abuse, abandonment, neglect, or withholding love or affection. This type of rejection is likely to impact you over the course of your life and may have serious consequences.
Social Rejection: This type of rejection can occur at any age, but typically begins during childhood. Social rejection includes bullying and alienation in different settings, such as school or work. You may be more susceptible to social rejection if you challenge the status quo.
Rejection within Relationships: You may also experience rejection if you are in a relationship. For example, withholding intimacy or affection may leave your partner feeling rejected. Additionally, you may experience rejection if your feelings towards another person are not reciprocated.

How Rejection Affects Your Mental Health?

As stated before, rejection can be very painful because it can leave you feeling as if you are not wanted, valued, or accepted. You will experience rejection at some point in your life, and while the majority of rejection may resolve quickly, other forms may leave behind long-lasting effects. Ongoing or long-term rejection may have profound and lasting psychological effects, such as:

Trauma: Long-term rejection may contribute to trauma and can have severe psychological consequences. You may develop a chronic fear of rejection, often as a result of several traumatic experiences with rejection early in life.
Depression: Rejection can be linked to the development of depression in many groups of people, especially young females. Additionally, bullying, which is closely related to rejection, can have numerous negative effects, including depression, stress, eating disorders, and self-harming behaviors.
Anxiety and stress: Rejection may impact pre-existing issues, such as stress or anxiety. Furthermore, these and other mental health conditions can increase feelings of rejection.

All forms of rejection hurt, and they can deeply impact your self-worth and self-confidence. Therapy can not only help you overcome the wounds that are left behind after you experience rejection, but it can also help you reframe your negative and irrational thoughts into realistic statements. Let us take a closer look at how you can deal with rejection through therapeutic methods!

How Therapy Helps You Reframe Rejection?

One of the most powerful things therapy can give you is a way to catch the story you’re telling yourself about rejection and then rewrite it. Therapy modalities like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy) are especially good at this.

Think about what happens when you’re rejected. The first wave is usually emotional. You can experience a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, embarrassment, and shame, maybe all at once. And you can find a thought if you look underneath that emotion. Thoughts such as “I’m not good enough.” “I’ll never be chosen.” “I must be unlikable,” don’t just appear out of nowhere. What therapy helps you do is pause, notice the thought, and question the reality of the thought. That’s where the work begins. If the thought is irrational or harsh, you can begin to challenge it and create something more balanced and compassionate.

For example, suppose you are experiencing a sense of despair because you did not get a job you applied for and are having thoughts that you are incompetent or unlikable. In that case, there are several replacement thoughts that can be formulated with the help of a therapist. Statements such as “You are not incompetent. You have performed very well at previous jobs” and “You often receive positive feedback on how you present yourself in interviews” can help you challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs by recalling positive past experiences. Work through rejection with CBT or REBT is like changing the lens on a camera. The scene is the same, but what you focus on shifts. This new perspective helps keep negative thoughts from deciding your future and stopping you from moving forward.

Finding Growth Beyond Rejection

In conclusion, rejection is one of the most difficult yet universal human experiences. However, it does not define your worth. Through therapy, you can learn to challenge negative thoughts and reframe them, build resilience, and strengthen your self-esteem. Furthermore, with supportive relationships and compassionate self-understanding, you can overcome the wounds of rejection and move toward a more fulfilling life (Smithyman, 2023).

Equally important is recognizing that while rejection is painful, it often opens doors to growth. When you reflect on experiences of rejection, you can gain new perspectives on your needs, values, and relationships. In this process, you can transform rejection from a source of pain into an opportunity for healing and self-discovery.

Takeaways

Rejection activates areas in our brain similar to those associated with physical pain, making this experience feel extremely intense and exhausting.
Therapeutic approaches such as CBT and REBT help replace negative thoughts arising from the experience of rejection with more rational and compassionate perspectives.
Although rejection is painful, with the proper support, this experience can become an opportunity for personal growth, resilience building, and self-discovery.

References

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497
Eisenberger NI, Lieberman MD, Williams KD. Does rejection hurt? An FMRI study of social exclusion. Science. 2003 Oct 10;302(5643):290-2. doi: 10.1126/science 1089134. PMID: 14551436. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/14551436/
Smithyman, T. (2023, May 31). How to handle rejection. Psyche. https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-handle-rejection-so-that-you-can-heal-and-move-on

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At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.

Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.

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This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

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