Have You Ever Felt an Instant Bond with someone over Shared Trauma?

Have you ever met someone who instantly gets you, as both of you carry similar scars? You might feel like they understand you instantly, not because of shared hobbies or humor, but because they’ve felt pain in the same places you have. You have both been through something that changed you. You might notice that they understand why you are easily triggered or why you sometimes shut down. You don’t need to explain much; they already know.

That kind of connection can feel like finding home after wandering for a long time. You don’t have to explain the parts of you that others have misunderstood; they’ve been there too. It’s comforting, grounding, even healing at first. But sometimes what feels like understanding can also be confusing. You might start to wonder, are we connecting as who we are today, or because of the pain we both carry?

This is called a trauma connection, a powerful bond that forms through shared pain and mutual understanding. It is a complex bond that can be meaningful and yet become unhealthy. In this therapy sketch, we will explore the concept of trauma connection, what it is, and how to tell when it’s healthy or unhealthy.

What is a trauma connection?

The word trauma comes from the Greek for “wound” (Olff, 2012). But unlike physical injury, a psychological wound isn’t something a simple bandage can fix. It might shape how we trust, connect, and seek safety in others. A Trauma connection is a powerful emotional attachment that is often mistaken for something called trauma bonding. Although they can feel similar on the surface, they come from very different emotional roots.

Trauma bonding happens when we form an attachment to someone who has hurt us, often through cycles of harm, apology, and reconciliation. It can look like an abusive or toxic relationship that is difficult to leave, as one day they are kind and loving, and the next, they have crossed a painful line. This unpredictable mix of comfort and fear keeps the bond alive even when it is harmful (The MEND Project, 2025).

On the other hand, trauma connection is the bond that forms between people who have been through similar traumas as survivors. It is a connection rooted in recognition and understanding, “you have felt this too”. This relationship can form for many reasons. Sometimes it’s because a shared pain feels similar, other times it’s because it finally feels safe to be understood.

Examples of trauma connections include:

Siblings who bond over growing up in an abusive household together
People who bond over shared traumatic experience (e.g., a natural disaster)
Couples who bond over similar past traumatic experiences

These relationships often feel deep as you recognize each other’s wounds. Both people feel a sense of safety and security within each other, even though the past experiences are traumatic.

Why does it happen?

Trauma connections grow from the human desire to be understood, not being alone in what has hurt us. It happens because we are all wired for connection, seeking out people who understand us and make us feel seen. When you meet someone who has lived through something similar, it can feel like they speak the same language as you. These kinds of connections form for many reasons:

Shared pain creates strong or deep empathy. You recognize yourself in someone else’s story
Connection through shared experiences creates safety and trust. It feels safer when someone has been there too
Familiarity, even if painful, feels safe. Even when it’s rooted in paid, what’s familiar might feel safe
Attachment can forge feelings of safety and trust. Our nervous system often finds rest in connection, even when it is complicated (Olff, 2012).

Because these connections are built on empathy, trust, and mutual understanding, they often carry strong emotional intensity and make the bond feel especially powerful.

Why It Feels So Powerful?

Connections born from shared trauma can feel incredibly powerful. They create a sense of being seen that many survivors have longed for. It promotes feelings of mutual understanding, empathy, and support. These bonds often carry both comfort and intensity as they:

Make people feel seen and understood, something that people who experience trauma often long for. After trauma, being seen can feel life-changing.
Make people feel validated in their feelings regarding their trauma because someone else has felt the same things and survived it too.
Make people feel safe or trusting, something that is stripped from survivors of trauma. Trust is often the first thing that trauma takes away, but a shared understanding can momentarily bring it back.
Create a false sense of security. It is easy to believe “they would not hurt me, they lived through this.” But shared pain does not always mean shared healing.

Although these bonds can feel deeply powerful and meaningful, not all trauma connections are the same. Some can become a source of healing and growth, while others might keep us stuck in the past.

When does a connection become healthy?

As social beings, it is in our nature to reach for closeness, to be seen and understood. It’s a part of what makes us human. Relationships, even those born from shared pain, can become safe places that offer real healing.

When people who experienced trauma come together with awareness, the bond can become a space for growth and healing from trauma. To keep these connections healthy, a few things are essential

Boundaries and honesty that are formed by open and honest communication, and emotional safety, are mutually respected.
Growth and healing is mutually promoted; no one is “stuck in the past.”
Neither person allows the relationship to be defined by the trauma.

When handled with care, a trauma connection becomes a bridge towards healing. But that’s not always how it happens. Sometimes, what starts as comfort and understanding can slowly turn into something that reopens old wounds instead of helping them heal.

When does the connection become unhealthy?

Like any relationship, a trauma connection can shift from being comforting to complicated. What begins as mutual understanding can, over time, reopen old wounds rather than heal them.

A trauma connection becomes unhealthy when…

The relationship becomes co-dependent, or in other words, each person relies on the other in order to feel safe or secure.
The relationship becomes re-traumatizing because each person is constantly triggering the other.
The relationship causes growth to become stagnant because people sit in the pain rather than moving through it.
The relationship becomes a space for “trauma duping,” or in other words, a space to unload emotionally heavy baggage, without actually processing it.

What makes these relationships tricky is that they start from empathy and understanding. Still, without boundaries and self-awareness, they can easily turn into cycles that feel more familiar than freeing. Still, it’s possible to build a healthier kind of trauma connection.

How to develop a healthy connection?

When a connection rooted in shared pain becomes co-dependent, it can quietly hold both people back. But when it’s grounded in boundaries, honesty, and mutual respect, that same connection can become a source of strength and healing. Here are some ways to promote ensure your connection remains healthy

Talk openly about your triggers with each other. Naming what affects you helps prevent misunderstandings and builds emotional safety.
Set and maintain your boundaries. It is okay to step back when you need space to care for yourself.
Encourage growth and healing, both collectively and individually. Healing isn’t linear, and it’s important to celebrate each other’s progress individually.
Don’t stay anchored to the past. It’s healthy to remember, but not live back there.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Look for other avenues of support, such as therapy, friends, or loved ones.
Maintain a sense of self outside of the relationship. Engage in your own interests, hobbies, and identity outside of the connection.

In short, trauma connection is a deep emotional bond formed between people who have shared similar traumatic experiences. These connections feel powerful because they offer empathy, validation, and a sense of safety that people often long for after experiencing trauma. When these relationships are rooted in mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and a shared commitment to healing, the connections can be deeply supportive. However, if they become co-dependent or keep both people from moving forward, they risk becoming emotionally harmful.

Takeaways:

A trauma connection is a deep emotional bond formed between people who have lived through similar painful experiences
These bonds feel powerful as they offer empathy, validation, and a sense of safety that trauma often takes away
When grounded in boundaries, honesty, and mutual growth, they can become spaces for healing
When built on unprocessed pain, they can keep both people stuck in the past with open wounds.
Healthy trauma connections are not about reliving the pain; they are about helping each other move past it.

References:

The MEND Project. (2025). Understanding trauma bonding: What it is and how to break free. Retrieved from https://www.themendproject.com/trauma-bonding/
Olff M. Bonding after trauma: on the role of social support and the oxytocin system in traumatic stress. Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2012;3. doi: 10.3402/ejpt.v3i0.18597. Epub 2012 Apr 27. PMID: 22893838; PMCID: PMC3402118.

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