Relationships as a Foundation of Development

When we try to understand a child, we often focus on behavior. Why do they get angry, why do they withdraw, why do they push boundaries? To understand that, we need to look at their relationships. From the very beginning, children come to understand who they are and the world around them through the way others show up for them. How they are held, noticed, and responded to shapes their world. Feelings grow in the space between a child and the people around them. What feels safe, what feels overwhelming, and what feels within reach are all learned through connection. Seen this way, behavior is a window into how a child is experiencing their relationships. And when we talk about relationships, we don’t just mean caregivers. We mean the whole family system. This system includes the emotional climate of the home, how adults relate to one another, how stress is handled, and how safety and support are shared. As a result,  relationships around the child become the context in which a child’s inner world takes shape. In this therapy sketch, we will explore how relationships impact children’s inner worlds. 

Human Brain and Relationships

To understand the importance of relationships, we need to closely lookat our biology. A human infant does not come into the world with a complete nervous system. Parts of the brain, especially those related to emotion regulation, coping with stress, social meaning-making, and self-perception, mature after birth through experience. The vast majority of these experiences are relational. In other words, for the child, a relationship is not only an emotional need; it is a biological necessity.

At this point, treating development as an individual process would narrow our perspective. Child development takes place between two (or even more) nervous systems. Many physiological processes in infancy, from heart rhythm to cortisol levels, are regulated by the presence of a caring adult. The child first learns to calm down with someone else, and only later can internalize it. Therefore, the skill we call “self-calming” is actually the result of a long history of co-regulation.

Why are “relationships” important, especially?

Because relationships not only soothe emotions, they also give them meaning. It is through relationships that children learn not what they feel, but how that feeling is received in the world. The same cry, the same anger, the same withdrawal can turn into a completely different internal narrative with a different adult reaction. For a child whose emotions are recognized and made sense of, the world becomes a more predictable place. For a child whose emotions are minimized or punished, the inner world can be perceived as a dangerous space that needs to be controlled.

Therefore, treating children’s behavior solely as a “problem” often reflects only the surface. Behavior is the child’s response to the relational context in which they live. So if a child is yelling, hitting, or withdrawing, it is often not something they have “learned wrong” but the most functional way of coping in the current relational environment. From a developmental perspective, the child uses various tools to survive and maintain the bond.

Major ruptures in relationships vs everyday relationships 

There is another important point here is often not the big, traumatic events that are decisive in a child’s development, but the small, recurring moments. Daily interactions, tone of voice, looks, waits, routines… These help the child answer the question “what is the world like?” into their nervous system every day. We know that children who grow up in a relationally consistent, warm, and predictable environment are more resilient both emotionally and behaviorally.

This is why children thrive in relationships. Because the brain is organized in relationships. Emotions are organized in relationships. Meaning is constructed in a relationship. Behavior is a natural output of this relational context. Understanding the child, therefore, requires not only looking at the child but also looking at the relational world in which the child lives.

Are children influenced by caregivers only?

It is important to acknowledge that children are influenced not only by individual relationships but also by the relationships between relationships. In other words, as important as the caregiver-child bond is, the way caregivers relate to each other and how the whole family functions together are just as important. Because the child is exposed not only to individual relationships but also to the overall emotional climate of the family.

At this point, the Family Systems perspective explains the importance of the whole family environment. The family system consists of mini-subsystems. This can include caregiver-caregiver, caregiver-child, caregiver-sibling (if there is any), and sibling-child relationships. And these mini subsystems interact with one another. For example, tension in the caregiver-caregiver relationship can impact the caregiver-child relationship over time. So any kind of conflict or event that creates insecurity (within or between subsystems) directly affects the way the child regulates their emotions. So, the child does not just observe the relationship between family members, but experiences it with their body and nervous system.

Systems can change, so  the child’s behavior patterns

What is critical here family systems theory views families as living, changing, and reorganizing systems. Transitions such as childbirth, starting school, loss, or crisis force the family system to reorganize. Some families become more flexible in this process, while others develop more fragile patterns. These new patterns may not always be healthier or adaptive, but the child has to continue their development within this new balance. Therefore, the family systems perspective views behavior as an expression of the system’s existing balance rather than an individual trait. For example, in this system, the child can be in a role that carries emotions that cannot be carried in the family, or they can be conflict resolvers, or their role can be stay silent. These roles are not consciously chosen; they develop naturally within the system.

Take aways

• Children develop within relationships and family systems because it is in this context that the brain is organized, emotions are regulated and behaviour makes sense. 
• Every day, the family system re-teaches the child how safe, predictable and portable the world is. 
• This is why children’s difficulties are often not the result of isolated events or individual characteristics, but a reflection of relational patterns and the overall functioning of the system

References

• Paley, B., & Hajal, N. J. (2022). Conceptualizing emotion regulation and coregulation as family-level phenomena. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 25, 19–43. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-022-00378-4
• Cox, M. J., & Paley, B. (2003). Understanding families as systems. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 12(5), 193–196. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.01259

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