Staying on Your Own Side When Things Go Wrong

When something goes wrong in our lives, we tend to think about what went wrong. Maybe we can become defensive and blame others, or we can start to criticize ourselves. We can think about what we can do differently, say differently, or think about a hundred different ways to act to change the outcome. Every possibility we consider can stress us out and remind us of how erratically we behave. And at the end of this thinking process, we might find ourselves drained. Somewhere along the way, you might tell a friend what happened. And instead of a detailed strategy, they say something simple, “This sounds really hard. Of course, you’re upset. Anyone would feel this way.” There’s something regaining about that response because it doesn’t deny responsibility and dramatize the situation. It simply recognizes your emotion as it is. The concept of self-compassion lies in this point of view. It is learning to become that friend (internally). In other words, self-compassion is directing understanding, acceptance, and love toward ourselves. In this mini sketch, we will explore ways we can treat ourselves as we would treat someone we truly care about.

Self-Compassion

The concept of self compassion is coined by Kristin Neff in the early 2000s. During her doctoral studies, she came into contact with Buddhist philosophy. She was particularly interested in the Buddhist tradition’s practice of “compassion.” However, at that time, in the psychology literature, compassion was mostly considered as a trait directed towards others, while compassion for oneself was either confused with narcissism or considered within the concept of “self-esteem”. Neff’s basic question was: “How do people treat themselves when they are challenged, and how does this behavior affect psychological well-being?” (Neff, 2003).

Based on this question, she developed the Self-Compassion Scale as a measurable construct (Neff, 2003). Her research shows that self-compassionate individuals experience less anxiety and depression, are more resilient in the face of failure, and are not demotivated (Neff, 2003;2011). In other words, unlike self-esteem, self-compassion is not performance-dependent; it works like an unconditional internal support system.

While building this concept, Neff described three crucial components of self-compassion. Let’s take a closer look at them:

1. Self-Kindness 

Self-compassion begins with how we respond to moments of difficulty. That can include the moments we fail, feel inadequate, or feel upset. When we experience these kinds of experiences, we might find ourselves criticizing ourselves. Self-kindness offers an alternative response, which is simply being kind to ourselves. 

We know this is not as simple as it sounds because self-criticism can feel automatic and even necessary to avoid future mistakes. However, being kind to ourselves does not mean avoiding responsibility. Rather, it means acknowledging that imperfection, failure, and struggle are unavoidable aspects of the human condition. People who practice self-kindness understand that setbacks are part of life. Instead of reacting with anger or self-punishment when things go wrong (or the way we planned), they respond with patience, understanding, and a balanced perspective  (Neff, 2003)

2. Common Humanity

When things do not go as we hoped, frustration is often accompanied by an irrational but common feeling of isolation. It can feel as if we are the ones with that problem, as if we alone are struggling while everyone else is coping just fine.

Kristin Neff conceptualizes this as the difference between isolation and common humanity. While self-criticism narrows our perspective and convinces us that our suffering is personal and separate, common humanity broadens it  (Neff, 2003).

3. Mindful Awareness

Self-compassion also requires a balanced approach to our negative emotions. But it is not in a way that pushes feelings away. At the same time, it does not mean getting lost in them. Kristin Neff describes this balance through mindfulness. Mindfulness means noticing what we feel, as it is, without judging it. Mindfulness helps us stay present with our experience, without suppressing or exaggerating the emotion  (Neff, 2003).

Self-compassion can change our lives in simple but powerful ways

When we lack self-compassion, we tend to respond to painful experiences with shame and self-judgment. After a difficult event, such as a divorce or a loss, we may think like we failed or “This is my fault.” These thoughts can increase anxiety, insecurity, and depressive symptoms.

Research shows that higher self-compassion is linked to lower levels of stress, depression, and post-traumatic symptoms (Han & Kim, 2023; Winders et al.,2020). Painful memories may still exist, but they feel less overwhelming when a person responds with understanding instead of attacking themselves.

Self-compassion also helps people recover and try again. When individuals feel safe within themselves, they are more willing to accept mistakes and move forward. In this way, self-compassion supports resilience.

4 Tips for Developing Self-Compassion

Take just a few minutes and think about how you treat yourself when you make a mistake or fail. If you tend to be hard on yourself when things go wrong (unfortunately, most of us do), here are some tips to develop self-compassion.

1. Notice Self-Critical Language
You can begin by noticing your inner critic. This may not be easy at first, especially if you have been living with that voice for many years. However, when you notice yourself feeling low, tense, or overly self-critical, pause and give that voice some attention to notice what it tries to protect you from. 

2. Compassionate Body Scan
Self-compassion can also be physical. When you feel stressed or overwhelmed, gently bring your attention to your body. Notice where you feel tension in your chest, shoulders, jaw, or stomach. You can place your hand on your heart, your arms, or any area that feels tight. Allow your breath to slow down. Instead of trying to eliminate the discomfort, soften around it. Physical warmth and gentle attention can activate the body’s caregiving system and create a sense of safety. To do that, you can gently place your hand on your heart, your face, or your arms. 

3. Self-Compassion Break
When you are going through a difficult moment, you can pause and acknowledge what is happening. First, recognize the pain by telling yourself this is a moment of suffering. This helps you stay mindful instead of avoiding or exaggerating the experience. Then remind yourself that suffering is part of being human, and that you are not alone. Finally, intentionally offer yourself kindness, respond to yourself with care rather than criticism. To do that, you can think about a loved one and respond to yourself as they would respond to you.

4. Write a Compassionate Letter to Yourself
Sometimes writing something can help you think more about what you think. So if self-compassion breaks down, you can try writing about this painful situation from the perspective of an understanding friend. When we mention a letter, we are not mentioning the traditional ones. You can simply open the notes app on your phone or email yourself. 

Takeaways

• Self-compassion is the practice of extending support, care, and kindness to ourselves during stressful and difficult times.
• Self-compassion is considered to have three major components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindful awareness.
• Self-kindness means choosing to be kind rather than criticize ourselves during challenges. Common humanity is realizing we are not alone in our imperfections. Mindful awareness is gently observing our thoughts and actions without judgment or the need to fix them.
• Noticing self-critical language, practicing a compassionate body scan, taking deliberate self-compassion breaks, and writing yourself a compassionate letter are great ways to start practicing self-compassion. 
• Self-compassion doesn’t eliminate our painful experiences or mean to invalidate our negative feelings, but it provides us with inner resources to better cope with them.

References:

• Neff, Kristin. “Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself.” Self and identity 2.2 (2003): 85-101.
• Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x
• Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and identity, 2(3), 223-250.
• Han, A., & Kim, T. (2023). Effects of Self-Compassion Interventions on Reducing Depressive Symptoms, Anxiety, and Stress: A Meta-Analysis. Mindfulness, 1 – 29. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-023-02148-x.
• Winders, S., Murphy, O., Looney, K., & O’Reilly, G. (2020). Self-Compassion, Trauma and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder: A Systematic Review. Clinical psychology & psychotherapy. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2429.

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