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Guiding Criticism and Defensiveness

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Criticism and defensiveness are two of the Four Horsemen of communication, as identified by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. When these patterns are present in relationships, couples often experience more resentment and unhappiness, which can lead to breakups or even divorce. Criticism involves attacking a partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviors, while defensiveness is a reaction to feeling unjustly accused. Both can escalate conflicts, but the antidotes are key. Using “I” statements can help avoid criticism, and taking accountability can reduce defensiveness, fostering healthier communication and stronger relationships.

Navigating Criticism and Defensiveness 

Criticism and defensiveness a known as one of the Four Horsemen of communication. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, when any of the Four Horsemen are present in communication, couples tend to feel less happier and more resentment in their relationships. The presence of the Four Horsemen has also been associated with more breakups and divorces. 

Criticism & Defensiveness 

Criticism is the first of the Four Horsemen. Criticism occurs when we attempt to voice a complaint with our partner(s) but comes off as an attack on someone ’ s character. 

Criticism often includes the use of universal or exaggerated generalizations, value judgments, or labels: 

  • Always and never 
  • Bad, awful, terrible, etc. 
  • Selfish, liar, stupid, etc. 

Example: You are such a selfish person, and you are never considerate of me! 

Criticism vs Feedback

The feedback we give our partners when they do something that upsets us is both healthy and important to share with our partners. 

When we don’t share feedback, resentment begins to grow. However, when we share feedback as criticism, fights occur. 

The antidote to criticism is the use of “I” statements. These statements center the behaviors of one person and the feelings of another. 

Example: I felt betrayed when you made a large purchase without considering my feelings. 

Defensiveness 

Defensiveness is the third of the Four Horsemen. Defensiveness typically occurs in response to criticism when one person feels unjustly accused of something. 

When one person communicates through criticism, the other person perceives this as an attack and attempts to protect their character. 

  • Making excuses 
  • Deflecting 
  • Denying responsibility 

Example: How am I selfish? You don’t consider me either!

Criticism Vs. Defensiveness

One main reason why defensiveness is a response to criticism is because when we make generalizations, we make statements that are not completely accurate. So, the other person feels unjustly accused of something and leans into the inaccuracies of the criticism and defends themselves. 

However, in the same way that criticism isn ’t completely accurate, defensiveness isn ’t always accurate either. It’ s important to note that two truths can coexist. Someone can be guilty of one behavior without always being guilty of the behavior. 

 Defensiveness Vs. Accountability

The antidote to defensiveness is accountability. When our partner(s) provide us with feedback that may be difficult to take in, it’s important to take a moment to digest the feedback, then follow these steps to avoid defensiveness: 

  • 1. Thank the other person 
  • 2. Validate their feelings 
  • 3. Apologize 
  • 4. Share your point of view 

Example: Thanks for telling me how you are feeling. I can see why you might feel hurt by these actions. I am sorry my behavior hurt you. It was not my intention to not consider your feelings, I just acted out of excitement. 

Putting It Together 

In this situation, Partner A is upset that Partner B made an expensive purchase without discussing it with Partner A. 

  • Scenario 1: 
    • Partner A: You are such a selfish person, and you are never considerate of me! 
    • Partner B: How am I selfish? You don’t consider me either! 
  • Scenario 2: 
    • Partner A: I felt betrayed when you made a large purchase without considering my feelings.
    •  Partner B: Thanks for telling me how you are feeling. I can see why you might feel hurt by these actions. I am sorry my behavior hurt you. It was not my intention to not consider your feelings, I just acted out of excitement. 

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Does avoiding criticism mean I cannot tell my partner they hurt me? 
    • No. It’ s healthy and neccesary to let our partner(s) when they hurt us. However, it’ s important we focus on specific behaviors rather than someone ’ s character. 
  • What if my partner’s behavior is a pattern? 
    • When providing feedback, it’s important to stay on one specific issue. When we bring up too many incidents, we tread into criticism. If the behavior persists, it’s important to problem-solve the behavior rather than “fix” a person. 

Frequently Asked Questions 

  • Does validating my partner mean I have to agree? 
    • No. Validating does not equate to agreeing. Feelings are always valid, so it’s important to acknowledge the feelings our partner(s) share with us. 
  • Does avoiding defensiveness mean I should accept blame if I feel misunderstood? 
    • No. We are able to disagree our partner(s) without becoming defensive. It jsut depnds on how we go about it. 
    • For example: Thanks for telling me how you are feeling. I can see why you might feel hurt by these actions. I didn ’t think I had to run this purchase by you because I saved up money for this purchase specifically. It wasn ’t my intention to hurt you, but I am sorry were still hurt.