What Happens When Setting Boundaries Isn’t Enough?
Life’s challenges can be overwhelming; everyone deserves a space to feel heard and supported. At Roamers Therapy, we provide trauma-informed, culturally sensitive, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and evidence-based environments to help you heal, grow, and navigate your mental well-being journey. As your psychotherapist, we are here to guide you every step of the way.
Boundaries are personal limits that we establish to help us manage relationships more effectively. They protect various aspects of our lives, such as our time, emotional well-being, and physical space. Boundaries are essential not just in problematic relationships but in healthy ones too. Sometimes, however, simply setting boundaries isn’t enough. People may react negatively when a boundary removes a benefit they once had, which can lead to attempts at persuasion or manipulation. In these situations, it’s crucial to reinforce boundaries with confidence, clear communication, and appropriate consequences to ensure they are respected.
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are personal limits we set for ourselves to help us better navigate relationships. People set boundaries to protect their time, space, finances, belongings, physical well-being, emotional well-being, and intellect. Though we commonly consider boundaries only necessary for harmful or ruptured relationships, boundaries are necessary for all relationships. The healthiest relationships have boundaries.
Examples of Boundaries:
Some boundaries we may set in our relationships include:
- “I prefer not to share personal details of my life at work.”
- “I would feel more comfortable hanging out if we both wear our masks.”
- “I understand things come up. Moving forward, can you let me know ahead of time if you are running late?”
- “I get that you are understaffed, but I make it a point not to work more than my 40-hour week, so I have time to spend with my family.”
- “I know you are feeling overwhelmed, but I cannot continue this conversation if you keep shouting at me.”
Is Setting Boundaries Enough?
Unfortunately, setting boundaries is not always enough. It is only half the job. When people set boundaries with others, they lose a benefit they once had access to when there were no boundaries. This may frustrate people, but it does not imply that their boundaries are wrong or incorrect.
Is Setting Boundaries Enough?
When we deny someone a benefit due to a boundary we set, the person may try to convince us into doing what they want through persuasion, coercion, guilt tripping, or other forms of manipulation. This can look like:
- “Everyone works more than 40 hours when the team needs them to. Do you think your time is more valuable than theirs?”
- COVID is over! I’m not wearing a mask because you’re being paranoid. If you trust science so much, why don’t you believe the government guidelines?”
- “It’s $50 I am asking for; it’s not like you need it.”
- “Why can’t you just let me vent? If my feelings meant something to you, you would just let me be frustrated.”
- “Come on! We’re all friends at work. You can talk to us about your dating life.”
What Happens When Setting Boundaries Is Not Enough?
If we set a boundary that isn’t respected, it’s important to remember that boundaries are personal. This means we get to decide what boundaries are set, how rigid our boundaries are, and who our boundaries affect. Here are some tips to avoid when reinforcing boundaries.
Don’ts:
- Do not give in even if you feel pressured. Remember, once we give in, our boundaries become porous, and we reinforce the idea that the limits we set for ourselves are mere suggestions.
- Do not encourage or invite suggestions or feedback on boundaries. Boundaries are personal; they are not collaborative.
- Do not express apprehension or insecurity. If we lead with ambivalence, it can come off as uncertainty, which invites further persuasion or questioning.
What Happens When Setting Boundaries Is Not Enough?
If we set a boundary that isn’t respected, it’s important to remember that any boundary is only as good as how it is maintained or reinforced. Here are some things tips to practice.
Dos:
- Communicate your boundaries clearly and firmly.
- Speak with confidence
- Use “I” statements
- Stand your ground
- Create consequences
- For example, “I understand if you feel safe not wearing masks, and I respect your decision. I, however, do not feel safe around people who do not wear masks, and I will not be hanging out with people who do not.”
Takeaways
Here are some things to remember when setting and maintaining boundaries:
- Boundaries are personal limits we set for ourselves.
- Boundaries are healthy in all relationships.
- Boundaries are personal, so we do not need others’ opinions, feedback, or input when setting boundaries.
- Setting boundaries is not always enough. People who have benefitted from relationships that lacked boundaries may become upset when boundaries are set.
- A boundary is only as strong as its reinforcement. When we do not reinforce our boundaries, our boundaries become porous guidelines or suggestions rather than firm limits.
- When setting and reinforcing boundaries, communicate clearly and confidently, and set consequences for your boundaries.
While our physical offices are located in South Loop and Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago, Illinois for in-person sessions, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more.
At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.
Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.
Contact us today to learn more about our services and schedule a session with our mental health professionals to begin your healing journey. To get started with therapy, visit our booking page.
First, decide if you’ll be paying out-of-pocket or using insurance. If you’re a self-pay client, you can book directly through the “Book Now” page or fill out the “Self-Pay/Out-of-network Inquiry Form.” If you’re using insurance, fill out the “Insurance Verification Form” to receive details about your costs and availability. Please let us know your preferred therapist. If your preferred therapist isn’t available, you can join the waitlist by emailing us. Once your appointment is confirmed, you’ll receive intake documents to complete before your first session.
This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.
While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.