The Importance of Safety and Trust in Romantic Relationships

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importance of safety and trust in relationships

People tend to participate in social connections where they feel fundamentally safe, are not hurt or exploited, and are cared for and protected (Murray & Pascuzzi, 2024). Romantic relationships have long played an essential role in fulfilling this basic need. Several key ingredients make up a healthy romantic relationship, but safety and trust are two of the most important. A healthy relationship needs both elements. Without trust, people find it challenging to open up to each other fully; without safety, they cannot feel comfortable and at ease. While these terms may seem interchangeable, they are pretty different. So, what is the difference between safety and trust?

What is Safety in Romantic Relationships?

Safety in the context of romantic relationships is defined as trusting one’s partner in terms of emotional needs. In other words, it means that people unquestionably express their feelings and thoughts by trusting that their partners will not argue with them, humiliate them, or tell them they are wrong. In romantic relationships, emotional security provides individuals with positive opportunities to dream, develop bold ideas, be creative, cooperate, express themselves freely, and feel more compassion (Boeder, 2024). In fact, emotional safety is one of the most important aspects of a satisfying connection in a loving romantic relationship.

In couple’s therapy, safety refers to creating an emotional and physical space where both partners can feel safe and heard. Safety also includes being non-judgmental. For instance, when a partner says, “What happened to you?” instead of, “What’s wrong with you?” their partner feels more comfortable opening up to their partner and being vulnerable. Safety is also established through partners providing safety assurances to each other when they are heightened emotionally. Finally, unconditional positive regard is another element that can help promote safety. By accepting and valuing their partner without judgment, criticism, or evaluation, couples can better open up to one another and strengthen their relationship.

What is Trust in Romantic Relationships?

Trust is one of the most sought-after qualities in close relationships. It is often associated with love and commitment as the cornerstone of the ideal relationship. Trust is the belief that one’s partner will be faithful and honest, whether emotionally, physically, or mentally. Trust is also characterized by feelings of safety and security in the partner’s caring responses and the strength of the relationship.

Trust, the foundation of relationships, develops through mutually satisfying interactions, the intimacy of self-disclosure, commitment to the relationship, and increased affection. In fact, as trust grows, romantic love is thought to evolve into a more mature love. On the other hand, it is also clear that past experiences and previous partner interactions influence trust in romantic relationships. Several elements play a role in building trust between partners: predictability, dependability, and faith.

Predictability is associated with the consistency of the partner’s repetitive behavior. Through the consistency of the partner’s past reactions, one can make inferences about the predictability of future actions. The predictability of the partner’s behavior and reactions provides a sense of trust. Another element, dependability, offers a more diffuse understanding of trust. As relationships progress, trust is placed in a person rather than specific actions. While trust is known to interact with many elements, the most essential instrument of trust is thought to be faith. If people believe that their partner will behave lovingly and caring no matter what happens in the future, it is possible to speak of a strong sense of trust (Rempel, Holmes, and Zanna, 1985).

The Importance of Safety and Trust in Romantic Relationships

Trust and safety in romantic relationships are crucial for a healthy and sustainable bond. The need for safety that partners feel for each other exists on a physical, emotional, or psychological level. Relationships in which the safety needs of partners are met allow the relationship to continue in a healthy framework as they include unconditional acceptance, freedom, support, and respect.

A safe relationship enables both parties to grow and develop in love and commitment. Moreover, trust and safety are known to play decisive roles in romantic relationships in terms of emotional and psychological as well as physical health. Dr. John Gottman’s long-term study found that 58% of men in marriages with low levels of trust died within 20 years. This highlights just how vital trust is for overall well-being (Games, 2024).

However, trust is not built through grand surprises, celebrations, or flashy words. It is developed through the small actions and behaviors in daily life. Dr. Gottman refers to these moments as ‘’sliding door moments’’ (Games, 2024). For example, if one partner comes home upset and the other continues working on the phone, this is a sliding door moment. In this situation, the partner can prioritize the relationship or their task. One isolated instance of neglect may not harm the relationship, but if this attitude becomes a pattern, it can erode trust. Building trust requires partners to be aware of each other’s feelings and respond sincerely.

On the other hand, for trust to develop, partners need to face situations involving risk and uncertainty together. Avoiding conflict prevents partners from discovering important qualities in each other that foster trust. That’s why it’s essential to occasionally have open, constructive discussions in a relationship. These conversations help build both trust and a sense of safety.

Practice Recommendations for Trust in the Context of Romantic Relationships

The practices and suggestions for building trust, like any skill in therapy, are more effective when applied daily.

Dr. John Gottman and Julie S. Gottman have compiled some criteria for evaluating the trustworthiness of others:

Honesty: Honesty refers to your partner practicing no deceptions, not having a double life, or lying to you.
Transparency: Transparency means that your partner is an open book to you. You know your partner and the various dimensions of who they are, including their family and friends, life stressors, dreams, and ambitions.
Accountability: Accountability means that your partner does what they say, and there is proof of their actions. If your partner remains vague, they are probably not trustworthy.
Ethics: Ethics refers to your partner having good standards that you agree with, and you have witnessed your partner living in line with the standards they hold themselves to.
Alliance: Alliance means that your partner is on your side, even if it means going against others. This term also includes the idea that your partner does not act out of self-interest but acts with your best interests at heart.

Here are some takeaways on how to apply five different trust criteria in a partner-oriented relationship:

Honesty: Direct communication is essential for maintaining honesty in your relationship. When you’re honest, you communicate your needs, desires, and issues clearly, without manipulation, which promotes a healthy and open dialogue. An example is saying something like, “I feel like we have been drifting a bit because we have been so busy. Can we talk about setting up some regular date nights?”
Transparency: To achieve transparency in a relationship, you must share information freely with your partner. One way to do this is to share who you spend time with and what you do in your free time.
Accountability: Accountability is claiming responsibility for your actions and how they affect your partner. When you are accountable, you understand how your behavior influences your partner and make behavioral corrections to maintain a healthy partnership. A way to practice this would be to identify problem behaviors, understand their effects on your partner, and then engage in corrective action to enhance your relationship.
Ethics: To practice ethics in your relationship, you can use your values as a moral guide when interacting with others and make your values clear to others, including your partner.
Alliance: Sometimes, you may be at odds with your partner’s family. This is a prime example of when a relationship benefits from an alliance. Taking your partner’s side in family disagreements is a good way to practice alliance because it fosters a sense of loyalty, which is a vital part of a healthy relationship.

Dr. Gottman & Nan Silver present a method for communicating between partners that promotes trust through rapport (Games, 2024):

Put your feelings into words: Expressing feelings can sometimes be challenging. In such moments, sharing the situation with your partner is a good idea. In addition, it is essential to consider the bodily sensations that occur in the body to make sense of and express feelings.
Ask open-ended questions: Instead of superficial questions that can be passed over with a one-word answer, it is better to ask open-ended questions that elicit curiosity.
Express compassion and empathy: Telling your partner how they should feel is inappropriate. Constructively, it is valuable to unconditionally make space for the partner’s feelings – no matter how uncomfortable they may be. This not only creates a deeper connection and a sense of emotional safety but also allows partners to talk freely with each other about complex topics.
Follow up with statements that deepen the connection: Rethinking the partner’s responses and rephrasing them in your own words will make the partner feel understood. In addition, it is essential not to take the focus away from the partner and make assumptions during the sharing.

Can Trust or Safety Always Remain Intact?

However, no matter how careful you are, there will occasionally be ruptures of trust and safety in the relationship. Ruptures can include:

Saying mean things to each other.
Engaging in yelling or screaming.
Getting critical and defensive.
Engage in stonewalling.

Fortunately, when a rupture takes place, it can be repaired through Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight technique. This intervention includes the following steps:

Express How You Felt During the Event: The goal of this step is only to list the feelings you felt during this event. Do not share why you felt this way or comment on your partner’s feelings.
Share Your Realities and Validate Each Other: The next step is to choose a speaker and a listener. As the speaker, you aim to share your reality of what occurred during the event. Focus on using “I” statements and what you noticed (“I heard…,” not “you told me”) and what you needed during the event. Avoid criticizing your partner.
- As the listener, focus on seeking to understand your partner’s unique experience. Then summarize what you heard them say, not what you believed they meant, and validate their experience by saying, “When I see things from your perspective, it makes sense why you were so upset.”
Disclose Your Triggers: During this step, take turns as a speaker and listener and disclose what triggered your big reaction. Add any previous experiences of when you felt similarly, including during your childhood, and share them with your partner so they can understand this sensitivity.
Take Ownership for Your Role: Acknowledge your contribution to the fight. Ask yourself, “What set me up for the miscommunication?” Share with your partner if you have been feeling stressed or irritable lately or if you have any other factors that may have contributed. Then, apologize for anything you may have said or done to harm your partner.
Preventative Planning: Have an open conversation with your partner and share one thing you could do to improve the discussion of this issue next time and one thing you think your partner can do to improve it. Remember to make this a positive and realistic request, such as “I need to know more about what has been stressing you out lately.”

In conclusion, trust and safety are integral to a healthy romantic relationship. These two elements feed each other to ensure the sustainability of relationships; trust builds safety, and safety allows trust to grow stronger. While it may take time to make safety and trust, continuing to work towards improving your relationship with your partner can help you mend damaged connections and build stronger ones.

Takeaways:

Trust and safety are among the most crucial elements of a healthy relationship.
In romantic relationships, trust and safety feed each other and affect relationships in many different physical, psychological, and emotional dimensions.
Every day, there are opportunities to build trust and meet safety needs!

References

Murray, S. L., & Pascuzzi, G. S. (2024). Pursuing safety in social connection: A flexibly fluid perspective on risk regulation in relationships. Annual Review of Psychology, 75, 379–404. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-011123-024815
Rempel, J. K., Holmes, J. G., & Zanna, M. P. (1985). Trust in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49(1), 95–112. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.49.1.95
Games, G. (2024, June 25). The Deeper Meaning of Trust. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-deeper-meaning-of-trust/
Boeder, E. (2024, June 24). Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-safety-is-necessary-for-emotional-connection/

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While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.