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Are We Falling Out of Love or Just Bored?

Can we feel bored of a relationship even though we love our partner and we don’t have any issues with them? Relational boredom happens when we feel “tired of” or bored in our relationship. It can show up as a mix of emotions, including moments of low energy, like feeling unexcited or emotionally flat, but also as frustration or restlessness. Together, they can quietly erode how satisfying the relationship feels for us and can even make us question whether our relationship is over and whether we should break up. However, not all relational boredom is equal, and it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over. Research suggests boredom in relationships is a common and expected experience, especially in long-term relationships, and there are ways we can work with it.

What is relational boredom?

Relational boredom happens when we feel understimulated or unsettled about our relationships, as if something is missing but hard to name. You may feel emotionally “tired” or disengaged while also feeling an underlying sense of irritation, anxiety, or wanting something to change.

Signs of relational boredom

Emotional signs can include feeling unexcited, tired, sometimes frustrated, or anxious. For example:

  • Feeling disappointed or let down in the relationship
  • Feeling emotionally numb or “flat” around your partner
  • Becoming more easily irritated over small things
  • Feeling a sense of dread, heaviness, lack of joy, and excitement

Cognitive signs can include thoughts, beliefs, and judgments about stagnation and comparison. For example:

  • Thinking your partner or relationship is “not enough”
  • Imagining a different version of the relationship more than usual
  • Imagining being with another person more than usual
  • Comparing the present to earlier, “better,” or more exciting phases

Behavioral signs can include lowered energy, reduced engagement, and avoidance. For example:

  • Less energy and motivation in the body around the partner
  • Less communication and emotional engagement with your partner
  • A subtle urge to check your phone, get up, or create physical distance around your partner
  • Fewer hugs or less affection
  • More unintentional complaints because we might be feeling resentful about being bored inside
  • Choosing friends or solo time over partner time more than usual, or feeling more excited when alone

Why does relational boredom occur?

Relational boredom is a common and expected part of relationships. Some factors that might be contributing to or strengthening the sense of boredom can be:

  • Having excessive routine and predictability in our relationships
  • Lack of novelty and shared activities
  • Individual stress and mental health challenges
  • Life demands and  time management issues (e.g., due to school, work, or parenting)
  • Loss of individual identity and disconnection from personal goals
  • Decline in intentional quality time
  • Our natural tendency to become adapted to new things and not feel as excited
  • Unresolved resentment from issues we have within our relationships
  • Lack of shared goals or a future vision
  • Lack of compatibility and more

Planning shared activities and routines can be a great starting point

Maintaining a satisfying relationship goes beyond managing conflict or avoiding negativity. Relationships also need to be nurtured through shared meaning, joy, and connection. In fact, it can feel confusing to experience boredom in a relationship that is otherwise safe and “fine.” 

As humans, we seek to expand our sense of self and identity through new opportunities. New relationships naturally provide this at the beginning. Getting to know a new person feels rewarding to our brains, stimulating a range of neurochemicals associated with novelty and motivation. But over time, as our partner becomes more familiar, there are fewer opportunities to gain new perspectives and have novel experiences together, which can naturally show as boredom at times. We can deliberately engage in novel and shared experiences with our partner, serving as an antidote to feelings of dread and boredom. What type of activities we can do depends on our unique needs and dynamics. In general, we can consider activities and rituals that make us feel the following when we do them:

  • Novelty
  • Arousal
  • Challenge
  • Interest
  • Spontaneity
  • Playfulness
  • Adventure
  • Learning something new
  • Honoring one another’s hopes, ambitions, and goals

Reasons why planning new things may not be able to solve relational boredom alone

Novelty without meaning won’t always cut it

Not all activities are created equal, and simply adding another activity to an already busy schedule may not produce the desired effects. For example, we can try ten new restaurants and still learn nothing new about our partner or experience a meaningful exchange. Activities are more likely to feel meaningful when they:

  • Create challenge
  • Promote learning
  • Reveal new aspects of each partner
  • Expand one’s sense of self

Skipping the need for repair and safety

Built-up disconnection and resentment also matter. We connect with out partner emotionally through everyday interactions and intimacy, and not planned activities. In fact, if we are feeling resentment, disappointment, or not addressing recurring conflicts, novelty often becomes a temporary distraction. That is why, a weekend getaway may not compensate for months of feeling unheard. When this happens,  we may first need to establish or re-establish safety and trust in the relationship and repair ruptures.

Are we bored with our relationship or with ourselves?

Sometimes what feels like boredom in our relationship, or the sense that it is not what we hoped it would be, can actually be a disguised form of individual stagnation. A relationship can be a source of excitement, but we also need to meet our own independent needs for purpose and meaning to feel fulfillment. Many things can block this. We may be stuck professionally, disconnected from personal goals, or lack the resources to pursue them. We may feel socially isolated, or we may have achieved much but now feel unchallenged. It can also happen that we have become too intertwined with our partner and struggle to maintain independence within the relationship. Understanding our individual needs for fulfillment and reconnecting with our personal goals can be a meaningful starting point. It can help us better discern whether we are experiencing relational boredom, personal stagnation, or something else entirely.

How can therapy help?

Predictability is not our enemy, nor is it the only cause of relational boredom. In fact, predictability and routine are two factors that help us feel safe in relationships. Similarly, the way to overcome relational boredom is not to force meaningless novelty into already busy schedules, but to start with curiosity and reflection, while also preserving our stability, and to ask: What are we bored with? Why? How can we expand and grow both individually and as a couple?

Therapy can help us understand why we feel bored in our relationship. It can help us understand if it is due to disconnection, unmet needs, unresolved conflict, or a lack of personal growth. Individual therapy can support us by exploring our personal values and goals, identifying unhelpful patterns, and reconnecting with activities and relationships that help us feel alive and excited. In couples therapy, approaches such as the Gottman Method can also help us strengthen our friendship, respond more intentionally to each other’s attempts to connect, navigate conflict more effectively, and build a shared sense of purpose and growth within the relationship.

Takeaways:

  • Relational boredom is a common experience in relationships and happens when we feel bored, tired, understimulated, or unsettled in our relationships.
  • Its signs can include feeling unexcited, tired, and sometimes frustrated about the relationship; thoughts, beliefs, and judgments about stagnation and comparison; and lowered energy, reduced engagement, and avoidance.
  • Planning shared activities and introducing new routines can be a great starting point, but this may not ease relational boredom on its own if we are doing new things that are not meaningful, as it may skip the re-establishment of trust, safety, and repair. 
  • Sometimes what we feel as relational boredom can be personal unmet needs and goals in disguise, which may require more personal goal-setting and meaning-seeking.
  • Therapy can help us understand the roots of relational boredom and strengthen connection, growth, and communication both individually and as a couple.

References & further reading

  • Dobson, K., Stanton, S. C. E., Balzarini, R. N., & Campbell, L. (2023). Are you tired of “us?” Accuracy and bias in couples’ perceptions of relational boredom. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(10), 3091–3120. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075231168141
  • Harasymchuk, C., & Fehr, B. (2010). A script analysis of relational boredom: causes, feelings, and coping strategies. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 29(9), 988–1019. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2010.29.9.988
  • Mattingly, B.A. and Lewandowski, G.W., Jr. (2014), Broadening Horizons: Self-Expansion in Relational and Non-Relational Contexts. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 8: 30-40. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12080
  • Van Tilburg, W. a. P., & Igou, E. R. (2016). Can boredom help? Increased prosocial intentions in response to boredom. Self and Identity, 16(1), 82–96. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2016.1218925
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