Balancing the Stress Level: Window of Tolerance
Roamers Therapy I July 2024
Life’s challenges can be overwhelming; everyone deserves a space to feel heard and supported. At Roamers Therapy, we provide trauma-informed, culturally sensitive, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and evidence-based environments to help you heal, grow, and navigate your mental well-being journey. As your psychotherapist, we are here to guide you every step of the way.
Each of us operates within a unique optimal stress level, a threshold that can be triggered by various situations. Understanding this optimal stress level is key to managing our stress effectively. Dan Siegel’s concept of the “Window of Tolerance” provides an outline for understanding stress management and emotional regulation. The window of tolerance points out how our brain and body handle different arousal levels. Everyone has different optimal zones for arousal. This zone describes how individuals can manage stress and emotional arousal efficiently. Stress management and emotional regulation also play a vital role in romantic relationships. Managing stress and emotional regulation during conflicts between you and your partner leads to healthy communication by enabling the ability to think and feel simultaneously. Knowing your and your partner’s “Window of Tolerance” might help you to handle conflicts better and support through challenges you come across together. In this therapy sketch, we will discuss the Window of Tolerance and how to detect and utilize it within romantic relationships.
Window of Tolerance
The window of tolerance outlines how our brain and body handle different arousal levels in terms of stress or emotions. When we are within our “optimal arousal zone,” our parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems work together to produce tolerable responses to stress and navigate challenges. In this zone, we can logically make decisions, work through conflict, and control anxious thoughts. When triggered beyond what our body can tolerate, we enter a “hyperarousal” or “hypoarousal” state.
Hyperarousal is often called the “fight or flight response,” which means when you are above the window of tolerance. It occurs when your nervous system is suddenly triggered into a heightened activation state—hyperarousal characterized by an increase in anxiety, panic, and hypervigilance. During this state, you tend to experience anger and feel emotionally overloaded. Excessive arousal caused by the intensity of emotions can cause the body to panic and make it seem like you can not calm down. Being in a hyperarousal state is similar to the experience of “flooding,” when our heart rises above 100 bpm during interpersonal conflict. Imagine you and your partner are planning a vacation and arguing about how to split the responsibility. If you are above your window of tolerance and switch to the hyperarousal state, you might start feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work needed. You might feel irritated, your thoughts might race to one another, your breathing might be accelerated, and you might give intense reactions. Over-activation of your sympathetic system can cause your agitation to turn into anger and your anger to turn into rage. Your intensity of emotions can lead you to criticize your partner for putting things on your shoulders. This might lead both of you to an emotional outburst, making it challenging to find the middle ground. This looks like one of the unhealthy communication styles Gottman presented in their work called Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism and defensiveness.
Hypoarousal indicates that you are below your tolerance window, and it is difficult to make rational decisions or keep your thoughts under control. In instances when your body dips below the window of tolerance, emotions, memories, or situations become too intense to cope with, and your body can start to shut down. This is characterized by a feeling of “numbness” and an inability to think. In this state, the body defensively freezes or dissociates to alleviate the emotional distress. You might experience brain fog and be emotionally checked out. Based on the above example, when you are in a hypoaroused state, you might feel like you are having difficulty concentrating, feeling emotionally withdrawing, and becoming unresponsive to your partner’s reactions. Over-activation of your parasympathetic nervous system can cause difficulty in concentrating into shutting down, and shutting down into complete dissociation. This looks like one of the unhealthy communication styles that Gottman presented in their work called Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: stonewalling.
However, in your optimal arousal zone, you tend to feel grounded. Your sympathetic and parasympathetic systems work in harmony, making this an excellent state for managing a conflict efficiently. When you are in your window of tolerance, you experience self-awareness, feeling safe and in control. You have the ability to regulate your stress and emotions effectively. Self-regulation leads to sound problem-solving strategies and helps you and your partner find a middle ground and overcome the challenge.
How to Detect Your and Your Partner’s Window of Tolerance?
Acknowledging your window of tolerance requires self-awareness and observation of your own reactions to stress. To do that, you can think of a recent argument and what stage you were in below the list:
| Inability to say no Doing whatever someone else wants Feeling hopeless or apathy Anger or rage Impulsivity Intense reactions Numbness Inability to make decisions Emotionless Yelling Desire to flee Feeling hopelessness Blank Mind Shutting down and getting quiet Swearing Feeling empty | Feeling emotionally overwhelmed Making threats to end the relationship Panic attacks Disassociation Crying a lot Defensiveness Intrusive imagery Tension in your body Obsessive behaviors or thoughts Frozen in place Sweaty hands Intrusive Imagery Stiffening in your shoulder Puffed up chest Feel like you are about to enter a war Upset stomach or nausea Blurred vision |
After you are able to identify what you are experiencing during the conflict, you can write down your signs, such as:
- Signs that I am in Hyperarousal:
- Signs that I am in Hypoarousal:
- Signs that I am in Windows of Tolerance (optimal zone):
You and your partner can perform this exercise, which might help you both understand your reactions to stressful incidents.
What to do when you experiencing Hyperarousal and Hypoarausal?
Acknowledging the hyperarousal and hypoarousal signs is an excellent first step toward managing emotional intensity and stress and avoiding unhealthy communication styles during the conflict between you and your partner. In our previous therapy sketch named “Communication Breakdown: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” we described four unhealthy communication patterns that might be related to hyperarousal or hypoarousal and its antidotes. If you are able to identify what you are experiencing during an argument between you and your partner by following the exercise above, you can read the mentioned therapy sketch to identify which unhealthy communication style you or your partner utilize to understand better.
But for this therapy sketch, let’s assume that you identify as feeling like you are giving intense reactions when you are in hyperarousal. Or, let’s say the situation is quite the opposite. You are in a hypoarousal state and experiencing a sign of feeling empty during the conflict with your partner. Here are some suggestions you can utilize based on Gottman’s theory when you are under or above the window of tolerance:
- Taking a break: If you experience hyperarousal signs or floating, you might consider taking a break to regulate your emotions. Taking time out when emotions run high is essential to avoid regrettable events. These breaks can range from 20 minutes to a day, depending on the intensity of the conflict. You and your partner need to decide mutually when to re-engage the argument.
- Practicing self-soothing techniques and meditation: During the break, you might utilize some strategies to soothe yourself. You can practice deep breaths to go back to your window of tolerance or light exercise such as a walk or yoga.
- Check-In Yourself: Before re-engaging the argument and making sure that the first two steps are not repeated in vain, it can be a crucial detail to make sure that both you and your partner are calm and more centered.
- Gentle Start-Ups: When you and your partner decide to re-engage the argument, it is essential to use gentle start-ups such as: “Let’s start over again. I want to resolve this together.” Using “I” statements and expressing your feelings and needs might change the course of the argument.
- Using Active Listening: Since both sides have their own reality and perspective, reflecting with your partner might help communication be healthier.
- Repair Attempts: If you think that there might be some regrettable incidents while you are in a hyperarousal state or if you believe that your responselessness hurt your partner, using repair strategies such as affectionate gestures, apologies, or humor might help bring both of you back into the Window of Tolerance stage.
By gaining knowledge about your and your partner’s Window of Tolerance, you can learn to recognize potential triggers and warning signs of stress and methods to manage it efficiently. Understanding where you are within your window of tolerance empowers you to take control of your emotional well-being during the conflicts between you and your partner. When you and your partner recognize that you are outside your window of tolerance, you can take the appropriate steps to restore your nervous system to a balanced state to communicate healthily with your partner.
While our physical offices are located in South Loop and Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago, Illinois for in-person sessions, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more.
At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.
Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.
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This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.
While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.