Children’s Behavior as Communication

Children begin to express themselves long before they learn to speak. Sounds, gaze, gestures, body movements, and reciprocity are the basic channels of early communication. These forms of communication shape not only bonding but also how a child expresses distress and stress. When a child cannot express their emotional burden in words, they show it through the rhythm of their body, their behavior, the tone and intensity of their voice, or changes in daily routines.

Early communication is mostly reciprocal and based on turn-taking. These interactions, initiated by the child or caregiver, determine which signals are recognized and how they are responded to. Over time, as the child develops language, social skills, and emotional expression, stress may emerge through different channels: more visible behaviors in some children, more silent withdrawals in others. The sensitivity and responsiveness of the caregiver during this process directly affect the regulation or escalation of stress. In this therapy sketch, we will explain how children’s early communication patterns shape how stress is expressed; what changes in behavior, body language, facial expressions, and routines tell us; and how caregivers can read and respond to these signals.

The language of children

When we think about how children communicate with their caregivers, we often think of words. The first words, the first sentences, the “why?” questions that come out of the blue one day. But children don’t start talking with words. They start with a relationship. More precisely, with the need to connect, like with a look, a voice, or a body movement. Communication is not primarily a system of words, but a living, reciprocal process. The main ways children communicate in the early years are as follows:

Vocalizations: Agulations, murmurs, babbling, and proto-words that emerge over time. These are not just “sound trials” but attempts to attract attention, initiate a relationship, and establish emotional intimacy.
Gestures: Pointing, reaching out, showing, or holding out an object. With these gestures, children often say “let’s look at this together” or “I want this”. Pointing in particular is a cornerstone of joint attention and vocabulary learning.
Body movements: Moving towards the adult, stepping back, and directing the body. Sometimes the child does not use words, but only their body to signal “I’m ready” or “it’s too much”.
Facial expressions: Smiling, frowning, surprise, discomfort. The face is one of the most powerful tools of early emotional communication and often precedes words.
Eye contact and gaze: Looking at something and then turning to the adult, giving direction with the gaze. This is the child’s way of saying “I want to share this with you”.
Early words and short phrases: Single words or short phrases are often added on top of this already established multi-channel communication. As the words come, turn-taking and conversation become more prominent.

None of these channels works in isolation. When pointing, a child may vocalize, direct their gaze to the adult, and bring their body closer. The caregiver can respond with words, gestures, touch, or all at once. This is where the power of communication comes from: not from a single signal, but from a web of interweaving.

The way children express their needs

And because their way of communicating is different from the adult world, stress and unmet needs show up differently too. Stress in children does not often manifest itself as a loud “I am having difficulty”. Rather, it manifests itself in small shifts, disruptions in rhythm, and changes in familiar behaviors. This is why stress is usually recognized in children not in the form of major crises, but through changes in everyday life.

In infancy and early childhood, the most common manifestations of stress are crying, restlessness and inability to settle down easily. Especially prolonged crying that is not easily alleviated by comforting or general irritability are early signal that the child’s nervous system is under strain. Similarly, difficulty falling asleep, frequent awakenings, nighttime restlessness, or marked changes in feeding such as loss of appetite or pickiness, are often associated with stress. Rather than “problem behaviors”, these are body messages about difficulties in regulation.

The language of stress changes as the child grows. Toddlers and preschoolers often express internal tension through behavior. More frequent outbursts of anger, sudden crying spells, defiance, hitting, or throwing toys are more often the outward expression of a burden that the child cannot cope with. In this age group, stress tends to be loudly visible rather than quietly withdrawn.

Some children, on the contrary, become withdrawn when they experience stress. They talk less, make less eye contact and withdraw from things they enjoy. These children do not cry or shout, but rather seem to “shut down” a little. Silence, dullness, or general malaise are signs of stress that are particularly prone to being overlooked. This is because these children do not disturb the environment, but they may be carrying a serious burden inside.

Stress manifests itself not only in behavior, but also in the face, voice, and body. There may be facial tension, pallor, a dull gaze, or tic-like movements around the eyes. The tone of voice may change, with high-pitched and intense crying in young children and repetitive, anxious, or monotonous speech in older children. Bodily restlessness, restlessness, convulsions, excessive mobility, or, conversely, clinging and difficulty in detaching are common reactions. All this is often accompanied by bodily stress responses like increased heart rate, sweating, and nervousness. So the child is not “just cranky”; their body is really on alert.

With age, stress can become more covert. Older children learn to regulate their emotions to some extent, which does not mean that stress is less visible. Children who have experienced intense stress, especially in early life, may show more pronounced anxiety in social situations or in situations where they feel evaluated. Due to neurodevelopmental differences, some children may not show stress with the usual facial, vocal, or body cues.

What all this tells us is this: Stress in children cannot be recognized by a single sign. What is important are the changes that occur together and show continuity. If sleep is disturbed, if behavior changes, if the face and body are more tense each of these can be explained in isolation. But when they occur together and are persistent, they indicate that the child needs to be seen and supported more closely. When children cannot express stress with words, they do so through their bodies and behavior. Understanding them starts with taking this language seriously.

What to do about it?

If you feel like you are observing these kinds of behaviors and if your child’s crying, anger, withdrawal, or disruption of routines gives you the feeling that “there is a challenge here then the point is not to silence these signals, but to try to understand them. Because a child who is trying to cope with stress is often looking for support, they just can’t express it in words.

Research shows that there are two main levers for reducing stress in children.

The first is to support the child’s ability to regulate their own emotions and body.
The second is to reduce the caregiver’s stress and to soften the cycles of relationships that have hardened or broken while accompanying the child.

The two are not mutually exclusive; often, as one is strengthened, the other is relaxed. Here are some things that might be helpfulfor supporting your child’s abilityto regulate their own emotions:

Supporting regulation with therapy: Supporting a child’s regulation is much more than “learning to be calm”. It means being able to recognize their emotions, recognize the signals in their bodies, and know what to do when they are challenged. Structured programs that target cognitive-behavioral approaches, acceptance- and stability-based work, dialectical skills, or caregiver-led regulation-focused interventions can lead to significant improvements in both emotional resilience and mental symptoms in children. Somatic approaches such as breathing exercises, body-awareness work also offer powerful support, especially for children who already have regulation difficulties. These practices help children recognize when their bodies are on “alert” and gradually calm down.

Supporting regulation with play: For some children, learning is easier through play. Digital games that teach emotion regulation skills can be effective in dealing with anxiety, impulsivity, and stress. For school-age children, social-emotional learning programs have a long-term protective effect by strengthening not only emotion recognition but also problem-solving, empathy, and social skills. What these programs have in common is that instead of telling the child “you are doing it wrong”, they give the message that “there are tools you can use when you are challenged”.

But there is a critical point here. The regulation of the child is not independent of the regulation of the caregiver. Research shows that the more stress caregivers experience, the more likely they are to unintentionally react harsher, more punitive or more detached. This can exacerbate the child’s behavioral problems. So the cycle deepens with the adult’s burnout.

Therefore, supporting a child experiencing stress also means supporting the caregiver. Interventions that strengthen caregivers’ ability to cope with stress – cognitive behavioral approaches, psychosocial supports, caregiver training – positively affect not only the well-being of the adult but also the behavior of the child. Especially for caregivers of children with chronic difficulties or special needs, social support and sharing spaces are a powerful protective factor.

How we cope is also important here. Problem-focused coping-planning, seeking support, and finding solutions empower caregivers, while avoidance or simply trying to suppress the emotion often exacerbates the stress. It is comforting for both the adult and the child to say “I can share the burden” rather than “I have to handle everything”.

After all, addressing children’s stress is not a one-sided task. While gradually strengthening the child’s ability to regulate their emotions, it is also necessary to take the adult’s own limits, resources, and need for support seriously. Structured programs provide a strong foundation, but small changes in daily life – softening the tone, pausing and breathing together, being curious about the need behind the behavior – can make a big difference over time.

Takeaways:

Your child’s behavior is often more of a message than a “problem”; changes in sleep, eating, and emotions in particular can be the first language of distress.
Reducing stress is not just about calming the child, but helping them to recognize their emotions and body signals.
The child’s regulation is inseparable from the caregiver’s regulation; as your stress decreases, your child’s nervous system calms down more easily.
Small but consistent supports, breathing, stopping, naming, and looking for solutions together create large protective effects over time.
Asking, “What is this behavior telling me?” before trying to correct it strengthens the bond and the healing you have with your child.

References:

Van Der Klis, A., Adriaans, F., & Kager, R. (2023). Infants’ behaviours elicit different verbal, nonverbal, and multimodal responses from caregivers during early play.. Infant behavior & development, 71, 101828. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2023.101828.
Delehanty, A., Lorio, C., Romano, M., Brown, J., Woods, J., & Wetherby, A. (2024). Social Communication and Parent Verbal Responsiveness Across Interaction Contexts in Toddlers on the Autism Spectrum. American Journal of Speech-Language Pathology, 33, 1266 – 1282. https://doi.org/10.1044/2024_ajslp-23-00319.
Masek, L., Weiss, S., McMillan, B., Paterson, S., Golinkoff, R., & Hirsh-Pasek, K. (2022). Contingent conversations build more than language: How communicative interactions in toddlerhood relate to preschool executive function skills.. Developmental science, e13338 . https://doi.org/10.1111/desc.13338.
Burkholder, A., Koss, K., Hostinar, C., Johnson, A., & Gunnar, M. (2016). Early Life Stress: Effects on the Regulation of Anxiety Expression in Children and Adolescents.. Social development, 25 4, 777-793 . https://doi.org/10.1111/sode.12170.
Burkholder, A., Koss, K., Hostinar, C., Johnson, A., & Gunnar, M. (2016). Early Life Stress: Effects on the Regulation of Anxiety Expression in Children and Adolescents. Social development, 25 4, 777-793 . https://doi.org/10.1111/sode.12170.

Book Now

Find a Specialist

At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.

Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.

Contact us today to learn more about our services and schedule a session with our mental health professionals to begin your healing journey. To get started with therapy, visit our booking page.

First, decide if you’ll be paying out-of-pocket or using insurance. If you’re a self-pay client, you can book directly through the “Book Now” page or fill out the “Self-Pay/Out-of-network Inquiry Form.” If you’re using insurance, fill out the “Insurance Verification Form” to receive details about your costs and availability. Please let us know your preferred therapist. If your preferred therapist isn’t available, you can join the waitlist by emailing us. Once your appointment is confirmed, you’ll receive intake documents to complete before your first session.

This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago and Lakeview on Chicago’s North Side, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.