Dissolution of Romantic Relationships: Breakup and Divorce

Life’s challenges can be overwhelming; everyone deserves a space to feel heard and supported. At Roamers Therapy, we provide trauma-informed, culturally sensitive, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and evidence-based environments to help you heal, grow, and navigate your mental well-being journey. As your psychotherapist, we are here to guide you every step of the way.

Find a Specialist!

Ending romantic relationships is just as natural as keeping them going. When breakups or divorces are encountered, it’s common to experience a range of psychological and physical impacts. These impacts might manifest themselves as emotional distress, such as sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, or loneliness. Additionally, individuals may experience physical symptoms like changes in sleep patterns, appetite, energy levels, or even a weakened immune system. The loss of a partner can lead to feelings of grief, which are similar to those experienced after the death of a loved one. Because one way or another, every partner significantly impacts our lives, affecting our social environment and daily routine. From this perspective, breaking up and divorcing is somewhat similar to rebuilding one’s life without a significant other. Adapting to a new routine can be a long and challenging journey. All these may sound familiar to you; you might experience them firsthand or support a friend going through a tough breakup. If you are wondering why breakups or divorces are so challenging for our minds and bodies, we will explain the dissolution of romantic relationships in this therapy sketch.

Losing Someone You Loved: Grieving Process During the Breakup and Divorce

Breakups and divorces often feel much like grief in our minds. So, let’s investigate this with Mary O’Connor’s book, The Grieving Brain, and explore the ideas that help us understand why we experience grief during a breakup or divorce.

Loss of Closeness: When we think of the common point of break, divorce, and loss of a loved one, the first thing that comes to mind is the loss of communication and closeness. Every committed relationship includes some level of attachment to a significant other. This relationship provides some estimates about how we nurture our closeness. Our brain perceives closeness like other components, including here (space), now (time), and where. For example, in long-distance relationships, you might feel less connected due to distance, but talking every day might lessen the distance. But what happens when you stop communicating with this person entirely? The brain had difficulty comprehending where this person is in space and time. The sudden disappearance of these dimensions causes considerable confusion and, consequently, emotional disturbances. When we think about the experience of a breakup or divorce, it’s easy to picture people feeling angry and upset. O’Connor explains that sadness is one of the most understandable emotions we might experience when we lose someone. On the flip side, anger is a more complex emotion. Many factors can contribute to it, like getting stuck in thoughts about what we might have done differently or losing closeness from someone we care about.

Continuing Bonds: The relationship might have ended, but feelings and memories can live on for a bit longer. This occurs because of the special attachment bonds we form, which encourage us to seek out our partners and feel a sense of comfort when we’re together. Plus, it’s a process of blending our identities. Separation leads to stress due to the absence of that significant person who met one’s attachment needs and was part of one’s identity. And the representation of the significant other continues in our neural pathways. This attachment and closeness are coded to our neurons, and representation continues. Since it takes time to rewire the neural pathways and learn new information, bonds linger for a while.

Memories: When encoding details about a significant other, we store their memories in separate compartments of our minds. For example, the wedding day or day of break up or divorce is stored in episodic memory; while we store our beliefs, they will always be around us stored in semantic memory. These different compartments are located in various circuits of the brain, which means that we receive different information from distinct parts of our brain. This also applies to the grieving process, and O’Connor refers to this as the “gone-but-also-everlasting theory,” suggesting that the conflict between episodic and semantic memory prolongs the grieving process.

Understanding the Body’s Resistance: Physical Symptoms of Breakup and Divorce

As mentioned above, breakups and divorces have similar characteristics to the grieving process. We experience many moments when we feel very sad, withdrawn, or brooding. But what happens in our body during this process? O’Connor (2022) emphasizes that grief impacts not only the psychological but also the physical dimensions. The grief process leads to various changes in the brain and nervous system, immune system, cardiovascular system, and digestive system.

According to O’Connor (2022), since our brain perceives relationships as physical entities, they have a location in our minds even when our loved ones are not with us. The process of breakup and divorce is based on understanding and accepting the fact that the person we love will no longer be there. During this complex and challenging process, oxytocin levels can drop, and dopamine levels can decrease, leading to a loss of motivation or social isolation. The prefrontal cortex, the brain area responsible for our cognitive functions, memory, and planning, also changes this process, and its functionality decreases. Focusing problems, mental fuzziness, distraction, and forgetfulness may occur as the brain tries to make sense of its new reality. Additionally, the amygdala can become overactive, leading to stress, anxiety, and sudden emotional reactions. On the other hand, as a result of his study on the reaction to loss, Panksepp (2003) stated that he observed an increase in heart and respiratory rate and a significant increase in cortisol levels, the stress hormone, during the separation phase. Another important physical change that can occur during this period is insomnia. O’Connor (2022) said, ‘’The period following the death of a loved one is a perfect storm that dysregulates all the systems that control our sleep.’’ Similarly, in the breakup and divorce process, the body system pumps a combination of adrenaline and cortisol intensely due to the stress of grief, which leads to all-day wakefulness and prevents sleep. Here, O’Connor (2022) referred to Zeitgebers, or what insomnia researchers refer to as ‘’time givers.’’ Zeitgebers are all environmental cues that synchronize an individual’s biological rhythms to the earth’s cycle. Examples of zeitgebers related to falling asleep might include eating dinner, reading a book, or feeling the warmth of your partner. Unfortunately, all of these zeitgebers’ cues that enable the individual to transition to sleep are disrupted by the absence of a loved one. Each cue for grief becomes a reminder that they are not here, leading to the disruption of one’s sleep cycle. Now, instead of facilitating the transition to sleep, these cues deepen thoughts about grief. However, some people seem to overcome the stress of grief in a shorter time or with fewer physical impacts, while others take longer and react more significantly. To understand this concept, let’s take a look at a term called ‘window of tolerance.’

Window of Tolerance

The concept of window of tolerance was introduced to the literature by Dan Siegel (1999). The tolerance window was developed to define the most appropriate ‘’arousal’’ zone for the individual to function in daily life. Individuals working within the tolerance zone or window can manage their emotions effectively and gain coping skills. We can say that the window of tolerance can vary greatly from one person to another. Some individuals have a broader zone, allowing them to handle higher emotional intensity or arousal levels, while others might find it a bit more challenging (Buczynski, 2022).

Following the loss of a loved one, the arousal zone in which individuals with difficulties in emotion regulation can function effectively becomes quite narrow, and this affects their ability to cope with grief. The stress of the trauma of separation or loss can push individuals out of their window of tolerance. Many stressors can cause individuals to dissociate and become angry or anxious, leading to hyperarousal or hyperarousal states (Buczynski, 2022).

Hyperarousal: Hyperarousal, also known as the ‘’fight, flight, or freeze response’’, is used to describe an individual’s state of high activation. In this state, an individual’s nervous system is suddenly activated, even when there is no danger. A perceived threat, traumatic memories, or emotions often trigger it. When a person is in a state of hyperarousal, they may not feel in control of their actions. It can also lead to sleep disturbances and difficulties with emotion management and concentration (Buczynski, 2022).

Hyperarousal Symptoms:

Angry outbursts
Fear
Anxiety
Panic
Hypervigilance

Hypoarousal: Hypoarousal, also called the ‘’shutdown’’ or ‘’collapse’’ response, is often characterized by feeling threatened and recounting traumatic memories. Even the slightest perceived threat can lead to shutdown or dissociation. The individual has hypoarousal due to an overloaded parasympathetic nervous system. This can affect sleep patterns and eating habits and can also lead to difficult self-expression and social withdrawal (Buczynski, 2022)

Hypoarousal Symptoms:

Depression
Numbness
Emptiness
Dissociation
Flaccid body

Since breakup and divorce are significant life events, managing them properly is essential for an individual’s well-being and outlook. During separation and divorce, the individual must recognize the situation, make sense of it, and expand their coping mechanisms for physical and mental health.

What Happens After a Breakup: Why Experience Withdrawal After a Breakup or Divorce?

O’Connor shares some biological perspectives that can help us understand the differences in the grieving process, especially when it comes to experiences like divorce and breakups. When we mention attachment, we are not referring to an invisible bond that affects us abstractly. Hormones called oxytocin and vasopressin play a crucial role in shaping neural networks in several brain regions (Amygdala, Hippocampus, and Nucleus Accumbens) to support attachment to one another.

Oxytocin in the Amygdala: Oxytocin in the amygdala helps us recognize others more effectively and gives us better control over our negative emotions, such as fear and anxiety. However, when oxytocin decreases after a breakup, the amygdala begins to perceive this as a threat. This can make the person feel more vulnerable, which may lead the person to miss their ex-partner or experience increased anxiety levels.

Oxytocin in Hippocampus: The release of oxytocin in the hippocampus stores sensory information, such as the moments we spend with our partner, their smell, sound, and touch, long-term in the hippocampus. After a breakup and divorce, the face, voice, or memories of the former partner are remembered through the hippocampus. Connectedly, the amygdala processes this information as an important social stimulus.

Oxytocin in Nucleus Accumbens: A brain region, the nucleus accumbens, gets activated by experiences such as emotional closeness or physical intimacy with a partner. These experiences increase receptors for oxytocin and vasopressin and create a long-term bond. This epigenetic change causes the partner to be coded in a certain way, which is why we perceive them as “one and only” repeatedly. After a breakup, because this bond and receptor still remain, the feelings of emptiness, longing, and the desire to return are biologically supported. This is because the brain wants to maintain this familiar bond, and rewarding chemicals are released.

To summarize all that information, break-ups are not just emotionally but also biologically challenging processes.

Coping Strategies with Breakup and Divorce

Coping strategies start with allowing yourself to go through the grieving process after a separation. To start taking action for grieving and healing, it is essential to understand the stressors you might overcome in the first place. Stroebe & Schut (1999) theorized the dual process model to explain the process of loss and also restoration. This model evaluates the grief process under two headings: loss-oriented and restoration-oriented. Both dimensions represent the stressors that a person faces after the loss of a loved one. In loss-oriented stressors, the person is intertwined with intense feelings of sadness, anger, and guilt and is frequently faced with thinking about the lost person, recalling memories of them, and longing for them. In restoration-oriented stressors, the person tries to return to daily life after the separation, rearranges responsibilities such as calculating taxes or shopping for groceries, and tries to establish a new life balance. Restoration is the person’s reorientation to the changes taking place in their world. New choices must be made, and new goals must be developed in the face of the new reality on the way to rebuilding a meaningful life (O’Connor, 2022).

However, the main feature of the Dual Process Model is that it does not define the grief process linearly and emphasizes that individuals oscillate between these two processes after a loss. The oscillations between the loss-oriented and restoration-oriented processes allow for healthier processing of grief and help the individual cope with the loss. While the individual is taking action to move to a new house in the morning, they can take refuge in their wedding album with their spouse in the evening of the same day. The process of coping with separation or loss does not consist of rigid stages based on strict rules but rather a dynamic adaptation process specific to the individual. Here are some actions you can take to navigate through the process of separation and find your way forward coping.

Strengthen Your Social Connections: Having a strong social support network, such as family or friends, can help you navigate the challenges of breakup or divorce more smoothly. After losing a loved one, spending time with and staying connected to other cherished individuals can provide a sense of belonging, offer emotional relief through shared thoughts and feelings, and play a crucial role in emotional regulation.

Seek Professional Support: Seeking professional support can be a crucial step in the journey of healing and self-discovery, helping individuals navigate the separation process more effectively. Additionally, professional support can expand an individual’s “window of tolerance,” enhancing emotional regulation and fostering healthy coping skills. A clinician will also equip individuals with strategies they can apply independently, enabling them to take responsibility for their emotions and thoughts and manage them constructively.

Create New Routines: One of the brain’s most remarkable abilities, neuroplasticity, plays a crucial role in helping individuals cope with separation or loss. Through neuroplasticity, the brain has the capacity to form new connections, allowing individuals to reshape their mental pathways by integrating new routines in place of old habits. Over time, as the brain adapts to these new routines, it facilitates the process of coping with loss and adjusting to a new way of life. Additionally, incorporating journaling into one’s new routines can be a highly effective strategy for coping with separation, as it provides an opportunity to express thoughts and emotions (Pennebaker, 1997).

Write About the Positive Aspects of Breakup: Although a breakup is considered a stressful life event, it also has the potential to produce positive outcomes (Tashiro & Frazier, 2003; Tashiro, Frazier, & Berman, 2006). If the relationship does not provide sufficient opportunities for self-improvement, viewing a breakup as a chance for personal growth can be beneficial (Lewandowski & Bizzoco, 2007). Research suggests that writing with a realistic perspective about the breakup, acknowledging that the relationship no longer serves the individual, and focusing on its positive aspects is a powerful coping strategy (Lewandowski, 2009). Expressing positive reflections on a breakup has been observed to provide benefits across various dimensions, including comfort, confidence, happiness, thankfulness, and wisdom (Lewandowski, 2009). In essence, focusing on the positive aspects and growth opportunities of a past relationship through writing is an effective coping mechanism.

How Do Couples Therapy or Discernment Counseling Work?

Discernment counseling, a specialized form of couples therapy, offers guidance for couples on the brink of divorce on whether or not to end the marriage. It especially covers situations where one of the spouses wants to divorce and the other does not favor divorce (Doherty & Haris, 2017). In this therapy approach, which involves deep discussions about why divorce is currently being considered, the counselor acts as a neutral mediator for couples with different perspectives on the relationship (Blain, 2024). Through discernment counseling, couples can decide whether divorce is the best option for their relationship from a healthy perspective. Discernment counseling provides guidance for couples not only in divorce but also in areas such as communication, acceptance, stress, anger, trust, compassion, and self-esteem in their relationship (Blain, 2024).

On the other hand, discernment counseling also provides couples with various benefits for the post-divorce process. Individuals who divorced after receiving discernment counseling services stated that discernment counseling enabled cooperation, trust, and sincerity both during and after divorce. Having a good relationship after divorce is valuable both in terms of co-parenting and entering into a new relationship by gaining self-awareness (Emerson et al., 2021). In short, discernment counseling helps couples healthily manage this process by enabling them to develop clarity and perspective on divorce before they actually start divorcing.

What is the difference between couples therapy and discernment counseling? Discernment counseling is quite different from traditional couples therapy. In couples therapy, both parties meet with the therapist to address issues collaboratively, whereas in discernment counseling, individuals also have separate individual sessions with the therapist. Discernment counseling also creates an appropriate time for individuals to share the thoughts they have discussed in individual sessions. In couple therapy, goals are set to address the couples’ current problems, work to resolve them, and take steps to implement appropriate changes. However, discernment counseling aims not to initiate immediate changes but to guide couples to decide about divorce (Levine, 2024).

In conclusion, you do not have to go through a breakup or divorce on your own, as they are stressful and challenging processes that obviously affect both psychological and physical health in many ways. If you are going through similar processes, seeking professional support can be beneficial for both you and your relationship and can ease the transition process. Remember that life will be challenging at times; it is the way we deal with those challenges that matter.

Takeaways:

Ending romantic relationships is just as natural as keeping them going. The loss of a partner can lead to feelings of grief, which are similar to those experienced after the death of a loved one.
We experience grief after this incident because we lose connection with someone we love, even though bonds continue and memories remain.
Break-ups are not just emotionally but also biologically challenging processes because attachment between partners brings along significant neural and hormonal changes that can really make a difference.
Coping strategies for breakup and divorce stem from loss-oriented and restoration-oriented approaches. Strengthening your social connections, seeking professional support, and creating new routines can really help you cope with the challenges of a breakup or divorce.

References

O’Connor, M. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss.
Siegel, D. J. (1999). The developing mind: Toward a neurobiology of interpersonal experience. Guilford Press. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-02501-000
Panksepp J. Neuroscience. Feeling the pain of social loss. Science. 2003 Oct 10;302(5643):237-9. doi: 10.1126/science.1091062. PMID: 14551424.
Buczynski, R., PhD. (2022, November 21). How to help your clients understand their window of tolerance. NICABM. https://www.nicabm.com/trauma-how-to-help-your-clients-understand-their-window-of-tolerance/
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046
Pennebaker, J.W. (1997). Opening up: The healing power of expressing emotion. New York: Guilford Press.
Tashiro, T., Frazier, P., & Berman, M. (2006). Stress-related growth following divorce and relationship dissolution. In M. A. Fine, & J. H. Harvey (Eds.), Handbook of Divorce and Relationship Dissolution (pp. 361-384). Mahwah, NJ, US: Lawrence Erlbaum and Associates.
Tashiro, T., & Frazier, P. (2003). ‘I’ll never be in a relationship like that again: Personal growth following romantic relationship breakups. Personal Relationships, 10(1), 113-128.
Lewandowski, G., & Bizzoco, N.* (2007). Addition through subtraction: Growth following the dissolution of a low-quality relationship. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 2(1), 40-54.
Lewandowski, G. (2009). Promoting positive emotions following relationship dissolution through writing. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(1), 21-31. https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships/relationship-breakups
Doherty, W. J., & Harris, S. M. (2017). Helping couples on the brink of divorce: Discernment counseling for troubled relationships. American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000029-000
Blain, T. (2024, December 18). Discernment Counseling: definition, techniques, efficacy. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/discernment-counseling-definition-techniques-and-efficacy-5219802#citation-4
Levine, K. (2024, October 6). Discernment Counseling v. Couples Therapy. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/discernment-counseling-v-couples-therapy/
Emerson AJ, Harris SM, Ahmed FA. The impact of discernment counseling on individuals who decide to divorce: experiences of post-divorce communication and co-parenting. J Marital Fam Ther. 2021 Jan;47(1):36-51. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7894569/

While our physical offices are located in South Loop and Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago, Illinois for in-person sessions, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more.

Book Now!

At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.

Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.

Contact us today to learn more about our services and schedule a session with our mental health professionals to begin your healing journey. To get started with therapy, visit our booking page.

First, decide if you’ll be paying out-of-pocket or using insurance. If you’re a self-pay client, you can book directly through the “Book Now” page or fill out the “Self-Pay/Out-of-network Inquiry Form.” If you’re using insurance, fill out the “Insurance Verification Form” to receive details about your costs and availability. Please let us know your preferred therapist. If your preferred therapist isn’t available, you can join the waitlist by emailing us. Once your appointment is confirmed, you’ll receive intake documents to complete before your first session.

This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.