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Exploring Infidelity as a Trauma: Understanding Its Psychological Impact

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Infidelity is a multidimensional and complex phenomenon that is evaluated in the context of different cultural norms and moral frameworks. Infidelity can be defined simply as the emotional, sexual, or romantic involvement of one partner in a romantic relationship with a third person (Rokach and Chan, 2023). Similarly, Drigotas defined infidelity as a violation of one’s partner’s relationship norm by interacting with someone who is not part of the relationship (Drigotas et. al., 1999). Infidelity is one of the common problems encountered in relationships, and contrary to popular belief, it does not only occur in unhappy relationships. Individuals with high levels of sexual drive, individuals with high levels of insecurity, and individuals with addictions to sex or romance may be prone to infidelity even when they are in happy relationships (Glass, 1998). It is clear that there is a need to talk more about infidelity, as it is a highly profound issue that has affected the lives of many individuals in society, and there is a need to know more about it.  Infidelity can lead to traumatizing processes for individuals and have negative emotional consequences. Defining, understanding, and exploring coping mechanisms for infidelity is necessary to establish healthy and sustainable relationships. Given the importance of the topic, this therapy sketch will address the effects of infidelity on individuals and relationships, and consider various coping mechanisms.

Main Types of Infidelity

Infidelity can manifest itself in different dimensions and sometimes in intertwined forms. A study examined reactions to different forms of infidelity; it was found that emotional infidelity was more distressing than sexual infidelity for all participants regardless of their gender and sexual orientation (Leeker and Carlozzi, 2014). In addition, it was found that sexual infidelity evoked significantly more anger in individuals than other emotions, while emotional infidelity evoked more anxiety and jealousy than anger and humiliation. Let’s take a closer look at the different types of infidelity.

  • Emotional Infidelity: Emotional infidelity is defined as an emotional relationship with a third party that violates the basic relationship rules set by the couple. Behavioral patterns that can be defined as emotional infidelity include sharing one’s deepest thoughts with a third party, feeling love and intense feelings for another person, and showing close attachment to a third party (Leeker and Carlozzi, 2014).
  • Sexual Infidelity: Sexual infidelity is defined as the occurrence of a sexual relationship with a third party that violates the basic relationship rules set by the couple. Sexual infidelity may or may not have an emotional component. Behaviors that can be called sexual infidelity include kissing, fondling, and sexual intercourse (Leeker and Carlozzi, 2014).
  • Cyber Infidelity: This type of infidelity, called online or cyber infidelity, illustrates how the digital world is changing relational boundaries. Cyber infidelity, which is defined as emotional or sexual intimacy with someone over the internet in a way that contradicts one’s current relationship, includes participating in online chat rooms, using messaging applications with text or visual tools, and engaging in sexual or emotional relationships online through the exchange of sexual fantasies (Wisner, 2023). A study on cyber infidelity revealed that this type of infidelity, which is less discussed than other types of infidelity, actually causes serious damage to relationships and is called a real betrayal experience (Whitty, 2005). This is because, as in other dimensions of infidelity, in cyber infidelity, the person has not been honest with their partner, has transferred emotional or sexual energy to another person, or has violated the emotional dimension of loyalty. In short, it is clear that the absence of physical contact does not make infidelity less destructive for relationships.

It may be possible to recognize emotional, sexual, or cyber infidelity by some signs, although not always. In some processes involving infidelity, you may have difficulty connecting with your partner, you may feel that your partner is intensely stressed and overwhelmed, you may notice that they are less interested in you, or you may experience significant negative changes (Wisner, 2023). However, while it is important to be sensitive to these situations in relationships, it is also important to remember that such situations may not always indicate infidelity to avoid excessive distrust of the partner.

The Impact of Infidelity on Individuals

Infidelity is a profound crisis that deeply shakes an individual’s emotional, psychological, and relational sense of security. A person confronted with a partner’s infidelity may experience significant psychological distress and go through a process of grief. Often described as a form of relational trauma, infidelity can lead to intense feelings of anger and mistrust toward the partner, the relationship, and even oneself.

  • Infidelity Negatively Affects Individuals on Multiple Psychological Levels:

Infidelity can have serious effects on relationships and the people involved, including the cheated on and the cheaters. When infidelity affects a relationship, it can leave people in the relationship feeling extremely distressed, depressed, and down. It can cause increased anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Glass, 1998). Emotional manifestations of infidelity-based trauma include extreme anger, shame, guilt, jealousy, and sadness (Gossner et. al., 2024; Kaplánová & Gregor, 2019; Moller & Vossler, 2015).

  • Infidelity Deeply Undermines Individuals’ Sense of Trust:

The betrayed partner may feel a profound sense of violation and develop heightened suspicion about their partner’s future behavior. They may experience nightmares, intrusive flashbacks, obsessive rumination over details, and mental ‘’replays’’ of the relationship, as if watching scenes unfold like a movie. Trust may be severely damaged and difficult to rebuild. While mourning the loss of their hopes for the relationship, the betrayed individual may also fear being forever punished by the betrayal (Glass, 1998).

  • Infidelity is Frequently a Precursor to Relationship Dissolution:

Infidelity can strain or break up relationships or marriages. Infidelity is one of the most important reasons why couples seek relationship counseling and is among the most common causes of divorce (Knopp et. al., 2017). A study of 160 different cultures found that spousal infidelity is one of the most common reasons for separation (Grøntvedt et. al., 2020).

  • Infidelity Significantly Reduces Emotional Well-being:

Infidelity not only has a devastating impact on the relationship that can lead to separation, but it can also negatively affect the overall emotional well-being of the partners, leading to increased depressive symptoms and decreased self-esteem (Bozoyan & Schmiedeberg, 2022).

  • Infidelity Can Also Lead to the Emergence of Somatic Symptoms in Individuals:

In addition to its psychological effects, infidelity is also known to cause physical changes in individuals. In a study by Lonergan et al. (2021) on the physical effects of infidelity, it was found that victims of infidelity showed somatic symptoms such as insomnia, weight loss, difficulty concentrating, and lack of appetite.

  • Infidelity Is Associated with an Increased Risk of Maladaptive Coping Behaviors Among Individuals:

Since infidelity is a challenging experience in individuals’ lives, individuals may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as excessive alcohol consumption, drug use, unprotected sexual intercourse, and suicidal behavior (Amato and Previti, 2003; Martin et. al., 2013; Klaar, 2012).

As we explained, Infidelity can harm an individual’s psychological and physical well-being, sense of trust, and the relationship itself, and as a result, lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Because of these severe impacts on the individual, it can be considered more than a relationship issue but also a traumatic event. Let’s take a closer look at how infidelity can lead to trauma-like symptoms.

Infidelity Trauma

Infidelity leads to a violation of several assumptions that provide a sense of safety to us and increase our self-esteem. One of these basic assumptions is that the world is a safe place and, therefore, our relationships. In fact, we all believe that the environment in which we live is secure to some degree, even if we are not aware of it. This is why infidelity leads to a loss of trust, one of the most basic needs of human beings. Damage to the sense of trust can be categorized as one of the significant traumatic life events and can lead to symptoms like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  Traumatic life events occur unexpectedly, leaving the person helpless and causing intense fear and terror. People exposed to traumatic life events develop emotional, cognitive, physical, and behavioral reactions. For example, they might feel anxious, have trouble sleeping, avoid certain places or people, or think about the event repeatedly. Here are the symptoms of PTSD in more detail:

  • Recalling memories of the traumatic event: The person remembers the experience involuntarily or when faced with stimuli that remind them of the traumatic event, and the event comes to mind like a photo frame. Some people may feel as if they are reliving the moment of trauma and may be detached from the present moment and reality. Especially in the acute phase, the person may have nightmares related to the traumatic event. When the person remembers the traumatic memory, they may feel fear, anger, and guilt, and experience some physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat and sweating.
  • Avoidance of stimuli: The person avoids internal and external stimuli that remind them of the traumatic experience. The person may try to block out thoughts about the trauma and try not to feel the emotions and physical symptoms. 
  • Negative change in feelings and thoughts: The person who has experienced a traumatic experience often and intensely feels distressing negative emotions. They may blame themselves or others for the event in an excessive, repetitive, and unrealistic way. In rare cases, the person may not remember some critical points about the traumatic memory. There may be a loss of interest in activities that the person previously enjoyed, withdrawal from people, and alienation. After the trauma, there may be an adverse change in the person’s perspective towards themselves, others, and the world.
  • Increased arousal and reactivity: The person experiences intense anxiety about the possibility of experiencing the traumatic event again. The increased perception of threat causes the person to be anxious and constantly on guard. This makes the person more aroused and may cause them to be overly startled by sudden sounds and movements. Sleep problems may occur due to the impact of the trauma, and the person may have trouble focusing ( APA, DSM-5).

People who experience infidelity might have similar symptoms seen in PTSD, even if the person does not meet all the criteria for this diagnosis. Recently, a term called post-infidelity stress disorder was introduced to explain the symptoms that arise after infidelity in 2005. Post-infidelity stress disorder (PISD) is described as the extreme stress experienced by individuals after learning of infidelity. The symptoms of PISD involve fixation on the horror of infidelity, becoming preoccupied with their partner’s affairs, avoidance of the reminders of the infidelity event, emotional numbing, irritability, and even heightened anxiety (Ortman, 2005).

Coping with Infidelity

Coping with infidelity can be a complex process that is hard to manage sometimes. The process might differ from person to person and can include ups and downs on the road. However, essential steps such as managing negative emotions, seeking support, and deciding whether to stay or leave are fundamental actions to take. 

  • Dealing with negative emotions: As mentioned above, infidelity might lead to intense negative emotions like anger or sadness. Coping with these emotions can feel overwhelming, but understanding them is a regular part of the healing process (Spring & Spring, 1997). Expecting the anxiety, fear, pain, and depressive symptoms that are a regular part of the process to go away simply will only complicate the situation. It is natural to feel the shock of facing the fact that everything you and your partner have built up over months, perhaps years, has changed, and to mourn what you can no longer share (Stritof, 2024).
  • Seeking support: It is important to keep in mind that getting help from friends, family, or a therapist makes a big difference. Support from loved ones helps people feel less alone and better understand what they want after infidelity. Additionally, professional support can make it easier to manage negative emotions and PTSD like symptoms (Spring & Spring, 1997).
  • Choosing whether to stay or leave: The decision to stay or leave depends on many things, like trust and forgiveness. As discussed in our “Recovering from an Affair: Rebuilding Trust” article, Gottman says couples should examine how they talk and treat each other. According to the Gottman Method, leaving may be better if couples cannot fix these problems or feel no respect or friendship. However, staying and healing are also possible if both partners want to change and improve their connection.
  • Taking care of yourself: Following infidelity, which is considered a traumatic experience, it is an important step to monitor, make sense of, and try to overcome the physical symptoms as well as the psychological symptoms. In this process, it is usual to experience stress-related problems such as nausea, loss of appetite, sleep problems, and difficulty in focusing. However, eating nutrient-dense foods, getting some exercise, and trying to stick to your routines will make it easier to regain your strength and maintain your health.

Takeaways

  • Infidelity can be defined simply as the emotional, sexual, or romantic involvement of one partner in a romantic relationship with a third person.
  • Infidelity can manifest itself in different dimensions and sometimes in intertwined forms such as emotional, sexual, and cyber infidelity.
  • Infidelity is a profound crisis that deeply shakes an individual’s emotional, psychological, and relational sense of security.
  • Damage to the sense of trust can be categorized as one of the significant traumatic life events and can lead to symptoms like post-traumatic stress disorder.
  • Even though the process might be different for every person, processing negative emotions, seeking support, and choosing whether to stay or leave are essential steps to be taken while coping with infidelity. 

References

  1. Rokach, A., & Chan, S. H. (2023). Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. International journal of environmental research and public health, 20(5), 3904. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20053904
  2. Grøntvedt, T. V., Kennair, L. E. O., & Bendixen, M. (2020). Breakup likelihood following hypothetical sexual or emotional infidelity: Perceived threat, blame, and forgiveness. Journal of Relationships Research, 11, e7. https://doi.org/10.1017/jrr.2020.5 
  3. Bozoyan, C., & Schmiedeberg, C. (2023). What is infidelity? A vignette study on norms and attitudes toward infidelity. The Journal of Sex Research, 60(8), 1090-1099. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2022.2104194 
  4. Drigotas, S. M., Safstrom, C. A., & Gentilia, T. (1999). An investment model prediction of dating infidelity. Journal of personality and social psychology, 77(3), 509. 
  5. Leeker, O., & Carlozzi, A. (2014). Effects of sex, sexual orientation, infidelity expectations, and love on distress related to emotional and sexual infidelity. Journal of marital and family therapy, 40(1), 68-91. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00331.x 
  6. Whitty, M. T., & Quigley, L. L. (2008). Emotional and sexual infidelity offline and in cyberspace. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 34(4), 461-468. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2008.00088.x 
  7. Lonergan, M., Brunet, A., Rivest‐Beauregard, M., & Groleau, D. (2021). Is romantic partner betrayal a form of traumatic experience? A qualitative study. Stress and Health, 37(1), 19-31. https://doi.org/10.1002/smi.2968 
  8. Kaplánová, A., & Gregor, A. (2019). Guilt-and shame-proneness and their relation to perceptions of dating infidelity. Studia psychologica, 61(3), 145-158. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Adriana-Kaplanova/publication/335697729_Guilt-_and_Shame-Proneness_and_Their_Relation_to_Perceptions_of_Dating_Infidelity/links/5d77a2b3a6fdcc9961bcded1/Guilt-and-Shame-Proneness-and-Their-Relation-to-Perceptions-of-Dating-Infidelity.pdf 
  9. Wisner, W. (2023, May 8). Infidelity: Signs, types, and how to cope. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-infidelity-5409257 
  10. Knopp, K., Scott, S., Ritchie, L., Rhoades, G. K., Markman, H. J., & Stanley, S. M. (2017). Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships. Archives of sexual behavior, 46(8), 2301–2311. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1 
  11. Glass, S. (1998, August). Shattered vows. Psychology Today, pp. 34ff. https://aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Infidelity.aspx?WebsiteKey=8e8c9bd6-0b71-4cd1-a5ab-013b5f855b01 
  12. Moller, N. P., & Vossler, A. (2015). Defining infidelity in research and couple counseling: A qualitative study. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 41(5), 487-497. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2014.931314 
  13. Gossner, J. D., Fife, S. T., & Butler, M. H. (2024). Couple healing from infidelity: A deductive qualitative analysis study. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 39(3), 843-864. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2022.2086231
  14. Klaar, C. M. (2012). Straight wives of HIV-positive husbands who contracted the virus through male-to-male sexual contact. Journal of GLBT Family Studies, 8(1), 99-120. ttps://doi.org/10.1080/1550428X.2012.641374 
  15. Martin, J. S., Ghahramanlou-Holloway, M., Englert, D. R., Bakalar, J. L., Olsen, C., Nademin, E. M., … & Branlund, S. (2013). Marital status, life stressor precipitants, and communications of distress and suicide intent in a sample of United States Air Force suicide decedents. Archives of suicide research, 17(2), 148-160. https://doi.org/10.1080/13811118.2013.776456 
  16. Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People’s reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602-626. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X03254507 
  17. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
  18. Ortman, P. (2005). Transcending post-infidelity stress disorder: The six stages of healing. Wellness Institute.
  19. Spring, J. A., & Spring, M. (1997). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. HarperCollins.
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