Hearing Everything in the Relationship, Except the Bid?

Do you ever feel that your partner doesn’t truly understand you, even when you’re next to them? Think about your last 24 hours: Did you say something like “today is cold” and want a hug deep inside, or did your partner want to tell a story from work when you were busy? Or did you point out a cute dog across the street, wishing to look at it together? Perhaps you began telling a story about a stressful day, and your partner immediately started scrolling through social media. When you mentioned something from your day, did you ask a short question, like “Did you see this?”, hoping to share a tiny piece of your world? That small act of pointing or trying to say something was a bid, a quick request for a shared moment. Usually, these don’t cause big fights, but they are crucial, and they represent your attempt to connect. These moments include a secret language that can either strengthen or weaken your bond.

Romantic relationships are built on these kinds of tiny moments we share in everyday life. We can think of these moments as a secret language in relationships. Connection in relationships is often shaped by small, ordinary moments. It is rooted in brief interactions that might seem unimportant but quietly influence how we feel about each other. When these small attempts are met with a glance, a smile, or a short response like “tell me about this more,” it creates a sense of being noticed. These everyday experiences are what researchers describe as bids for connection.

A bid refers to the various ways we attempt to connect with someone, for example, the gestures and comments we make, or the questions we ask, in order to get something from our partners. These requests can be for gifts, quality time, reassurance, physical touch, a favor, or anything that makes us feel closer to our partner. But when they go unanswered, even unintentionally, something shifts. You might pause after saying “Look at this,” realizing the other person didn’t hear you. Or if you ask, “Can you help me for a second?” and the reply is a distracted “Later,” this can leave you feeling distant. In this mini sketch, we will explore what bids are, how micro-rejections show up in these small interactions, and why they matter more than they seem at first glance.

What is “bid”?

Bids are not significant or dramatic events, yet over time, the way partners respond to them shapes the emotional tone of the relationship, according to Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute (Gottman Institute, n.d.) Bids are the foundation of relationships, as they are small, everyday opportunities to grow your connections with your partners. And they discovered how profoundly this bidding process affects relationships (Gotmann & DeClaire, 2001).

Bids can be either indirect or direct. And they can also take various forms, including physical gestures, verbal communication, and non-verbal signals. Direct bids are explicit requests or comments we make. For example: “I had a really difficult day at work today. Can you hold me?” Indirect bids, on the other hand, are subtle gestures we make, such as a sigh, a gentle nudge, or an indirect comment. For example: “That new movie looks interesting.” Many times, bids are made indirectly. This is because making an explicit request feels too vulnerable. Many people also feel that when indirect bids are accepted, they are more meaningful since they did not have to explicitly ask for something.

When bids are accepted, the connection between two people grows stronger, which reinforces the relationship. However, there are endless bids that are made, so accepting every bid our partners make isn’t feasible. In fact, research shows that we will miss more bids than we make (Gottman & Levenson, 1992). Time to time, a missed moment here and there is normal; a pattern of missed moments becomes something we start to feel like micro-rejections.

Missed Bids and Micro-Rejections

Micro-rejections are often used synonymously with missed bids. The two, however, have nuanced differences. Missed bids are bids we may not pick up on, likely due to the subtlety of the bids. Micro-rejections, on the other hand, are small, subtle, and often unintentional ways we may dismiss bids.

Missed bids every now and then aren’t the end of the world, but a pattern of continuously missed bids can lead to ruptures in relationships. So, it is important to understand the difference between missed bids and micro-rejections. A missed bid is often unintentional, caused by business. A micro-rejection, however, might be more active and painful.

Examples of missed bids:

Offering for shared attention and experience when your partner turns away by prioritizing something else, such as chores.
Looking for collaboration or assistance, but ends up delaying and forgetting.

Examples of micro-rejections:

Looking at your phone while your partner is talking
Giving one-word or short responses to your partner, such as “Uh-huh,” or “Oh wow.”
Choosing personal hobbies or tasks over shared time
Pulling your hand away when your partner grabs it
Failing to lean in for a hug or a kiss
Prioritizing being “right” over letting them feel heard by interrupting to correct them.
Minimizing their feelings using sarcasm.

Micro-rejections (whether unintentional or not) communicate disinterest. Immediately after a micro-rejection has occurred, a partner may feel dismissed and hurt. A partnership can recover from these mini ruptures if addressed as quickly as possible. However, when left unaddressed, these isolated events can become patterns and can communicate intent. In other words, these rejections can show our partner that we don’t want to listen to them.

Why does this happen?

In healthy relationships, partners adopt a positive perspective, which means they give each other the benefit of the doubt. When one bid is rejected, the rejected partner may let it go because it was an isolated event. When these events become consistent, trust erodes, and partners begin to believe that these rejections are intentional. Over time, this can lead to resentment, decreased relationship satisfaction, and harmful conflict. Once resentment has settled and trust is eroded, we see an increase in harmful communication styles such as criticism and blaming “you” statements:

“You NEVER listen to me.”
“You DO NOT love me”
“You ALWAYS make me feel unimportant.”

Criticism is one of the four horsemen of communication and can lead to defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. All of which increases the chances of breaking up. However, it is possible to recover and communicate effectively.

How to Recover?

A pattern of rejected bids can be difficult to overcome, especially if resentment exists and trust has been eroded. However, it is possible to work through it if all partners are willing to prioritize the relationship. Using effective communication skills helps to share how you feel with your partner.

Bring it up how you feel by using “I” statements, such as “I felt unseen” or “I need us to talk.”
Be Specific about the situation when a bid is missed.
Focus on behaviors but not character.
Work on one issue at a time.
Listen actively by giving each other your full attention.
Avoid being defensive during conversations.
Take turns. When one person is speaking, make sure to listen actively, then swap roles.
Prioritize connection. Switch the individual mindset from “what’s good for me?” to a collective mindset, “what’s good for us?”
Identify cues. Learn to pick up on each other’s cues to avoid missed and rejected bids as much as possible.
Try therapy. If you keep running into a wall, you’re not alone. It’s okay to ask for help. A relationship therapist can help you identify strategies to work better together.

Take Aways

Romantic relationships aren’t just about sharing a life; they’re about sharing thousands of tiny moments.
Bids are various ways we attempt to gain a connection with our partner.
Bids are small opportunities we can grow our relationship every day.
Bids can be direct or indirect, with indirect bids seeming more valuable when met.
Bids can be accepted, missed, or rejected. Accepted bids lead to more bids being made and stronger connections.
Missed bids are unintentional oversights that can lead to fewer bids being made.
Rejected bids, or micro-rejections, are subtle ways we dismiss bids, which communicate disinterest.
If left unaddressed, rejected bids can lead to resentment and low relationship satisfaction over time.
When addressed, partners can learn to prioritize connection and repair any ruptures that have occurred.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes and outcome: Longitudinal studies of marriage. In J. M. Gottman & R. W. Levenson (Eds.), The Longitudinal Predictors of Marital Dissolution and Stability (pp. 41–65). Guilford Press.

Gottman J. M., DeClaire J. (2001). The Relationship Cure: A 5-step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. New York, NY: Random House.

Gottman Institute. (n.d.). Gottman Method. https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/

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