Holiday Harmony: Setting Healthy Emotional Boundaries During Holidays

Life’s challenges can be overwhelming; everyone deserves a space to feel heard and supported. At Roamers Therapy, we provide trauma-informed, culturally sensitive, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and evidence-based environments to help you heal, grow, and navigate your mental well-being journey. As your psychotherapist, we are here to guide you every step of the way.

Find a Specialist!

Holidays are unique times of the year for reflection, celebration, and relaxation. The holidays can be categorized as secular, religious, ethnic, or cultural. Regardless of the category, the meanings of holidays can actually differ from person to person. Many view holidays as joyful experiences that include connection and togetherness, filled with family gatherings, traditions, and shared experiences that create memories. The holidays are cherished because they provide solace and a sense of community. However, for others, holidays may evoke challenges, stress, or mixed emotions for others. They can remind you of loss, complex relationships, or unmet expectations. Holidays might also bring pressure to conform to traditions or ideals that no longer align with one’s values or current circumstances. To sum up, the meaning of holidays is profoundly personal and shaped by individual experiences, values, and emotions, making them unique for everyone. In this therapy sketch, we will explain challenges that may occur during holidays and how we can navigate them.

Why Can Holidays Evoke Stress?

Holidays are a time to reconnect with your family, create new traditions with loved ones, and be filled with moments of joy and love. Holidays can hold memorable places in our minds, filled with lots of positive experiences. Holidays can be filled with positive emotions such as happiness, surprise, gratitude, and hope. Eventhough holidays offer opportunities to connect, celebrate, and recharge, they can be sources of stress and exhaustion. Let’s begin with what stress means. Stress is a physiological and physical response change. These changes can happen externally or internally. Stress affects our autonomic nervous system and hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, causing us to release hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. Stress can occur in multiple areas, such as relationships, school, or jobs. Hans Sely describes stress as a nonspecific body response to any change (Selye, 1956). Since the holiday is different from our daily routine, it can cause stress for several reasons.

Hometown visits For example, with the holidays approaching, you might feel the stress of spending time with family (if you are not living with your family currently). Or you might visit home; whatever that means to you, it likely means interacting with people who have known you since childhood. If you feel like you have regressed to a childhood version of yourself when having these interactions, you are not alone!
Maintaining Traditions: People who have known us for a long time, including caregivers, extended family members, and even childhood friends, can have a hard time when we set boundaries or speak up for our feelings. These figures may expect you to behave in ways that no longer serve you. It can feel like aspects of these relationships are not fully consensual–for example, it may feel like you are obligated to hug a family member even if this interaction is uncomfortable for you. Sticking up for your needs can be scary, especially with people who knew you as a child.
Financial Problems: Holidays can come with some financial burdens. For example, you might need to buy some presents for loved ones, or you might need to travel to your hometown. If you are going to host a holiday at your home, you might need to run some errands to your house. These financial burdens can cause stress.
Social Fatigue: Holidays can include social interactions with many people and might include many social events. Too many social interactions and events can cause social fatigue, stress, irritability, or exhaustion because they leave little time for self-care.
Loneliness: Loneliness can be felt when we are reminded of togetherness. For example, if you are currently experiencing grief or if you are not talking with your family, loneliness can hit during holidays. Also, you can feel isolated even in crowds, which can be a source of significant stress.

Alongside positive emotions, these factors can cause stress, anxiety, worry, exhaustion, or irritability. Preparing for these interactions and setting boundaries can help maintain emotional safety and freedom while avoiding conflict escalation.

Mental Health Challenges During Holiday Season

While setting boundaries helps us protect self-care, it is also important to recognize other mental health challenges that might be amplified during holidays. As mentioned, emphasis on connection and togetherness can highlight isolation and past traumas. Also, the heightened expectations, heavy schedules, and intense focus on traditions and social gatherings can be overwhelming. This period often acts as a magnifier, intensifying both positive and negative emotions. Let’s explore some of the broader mental health challenges individuals may face:

Depression and Anxiety: Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and holiday-related stress can exacerbate symptoms of depression and anxiety, making it difficult for individuals to feel present or enjoy celebrations (SAMHSA, 2023).
Substance Misuse: For some, the holiday season may involve increased exposure to alcohol or other substances, which can become a coping mechanism for dealing with stress, loneliness, or social discomfort (SAMHSA, 2023).
Eating Disorder: The winter holidays come with a lot of food-related baggage. Anyone with a history of disordered eating might be feeling a justified sense of dread right now, anticipating holiday parties and gifts that trigger unhealthy thoughts about food. For some, this is a time for caution about relapsing into a cycle of disordered eating. Others may simply be worried about being distracted from the positive aspects of the holiday season as they work to manage their thoughts, feelings, and urges around food (Dannibale, 2014).
Trauma Triggers: The holidays can act as reminders of past traumatic experiences, particularly for those who have endured loss, neglect, or abuse during these times. Let’s explore deeply how holiday seasons trigger trauma responses:
- Reactivating Trauma Triggers: Holidays often involve sensory and social triggers that can overwhelm trauma survivors, such as crowded spaces and certain smells or sounds (Van der Kolk, 2000).
- Reinforcing Old Narratives: Reflection and focus on resolutions during the holidays, such as the New Year celebration, can lead to emotional strain, especially for trauma survivors (Guth, 2024).
- Disrupted Routines: Changes in daily patterns during holidays can interfere with coping strategies and increase anxiety. Studies on the impact of time changes and interruptions on trauma survivors highlight this (Liang, 2023).
- Increased Substance Use: The service of alcohol in social events held on holidays can increase substance misuse among trauma survivors (Center for Substance Abuse Treatment., 2024).
- Unable to get mental health support: The pause in therapy sessions and support groups during the holidays can leave trauma survivors feeling abandoned.

Setting Boundaries During Holiday Season

Setting boundaries to navigate the challenges and negative emotions explained above might be helpful. Below are categories in which you can set boundaries:

Physical Boundaries: As in the example cited above, some members of your family or childhood community may expect to receive hugs or other kinds of physical touch from you. This expectation may be reinforced by explicit or implicit messaging from your family that you are required to touch others according to a social norm. It is essential to recognize that if you wish to withhold physical touch from others for any reason, your wish should be respected, no questions asked. It may not be a norm to respect others’ physical boundaries in your family or community, but you can help to set the norm by being an example. Practice ways of declining physical touch clearly, firmly, and without apologizing. Remember that children you engage with may feel obligated to hug you–you may even hear their caregivers commanding that they approach you with an embrace. You can help instill an essential lesson about childhood consent by inviting the child to hug you only if they wish to and offering alternative forms of touch, such as a high-five.

Emotional Boundaries: You may anxiously anticipate that your family members will pressure you into conversations you would instead not engage in. It may be that these conversations pertain to past personal traumas or to community-level traumatic events being covered in the news. Especially in a group setting, you have valid reasons for wanting to set conversational boundaries. Keep in mind that declining a conversation is not an abnormal or disrespectful thing to do. Take time to brainstorm some phrases you are comfortable deploying when you need to shut down or redirect a conversation. If the other person is not responsive to verbal boundary setting, you may need to remove yourself physically. Ensure you have an exit strategy for taking space when needed.

Social Boundaries: Doubtless, the people you are sharing your holiday with are excited to see you and may have strong preferences for how you spend your time together. In their excitement, they may not be in touch with your levels of energy or stamina. To avoid situations in which you are pressured into exceeding your limits, take some time to prepare for the social demands you are facing. Getting details about group holiday plans or even contributing and altering them beforehand may be possible. Practice gently but firmly declining activities when you know you need rest.

Cultural Boundaries: Sometimes respecting our needs means recusing ourselves from the traditions our families and communities treasured. It might be painful to let your loved ones know that you are no longer willing to engage in a specific tradition, even though your reasons are valid. Take some time in advance to think about how you will have these conversations. Consider communication strategies that allow you to say “no” very clearly while inviting your loved ones to support you in taking care of yourself by respecting your decision. Be prepared to receive pushback, but also be prepared to obtain understanding. Communicating in these ways with a family system for the first time can be nerve-wracking. Take care of yourself, stay in touch with your trusted allies, and congratulate yourself on your progress!

Navigating Mental Health Challenges During Holiday Season

Eventhough recognizing mental health challenges is part of managing them, other actions can be taken. Here are some tips and gentle reminders to help you navigate mental health challenges during the holidays:

Set loving boundaries with yourself ahead of time: As mentioned above, setting boundaries always helps with self-care in a non-punitive way. In the weeks or days leading up to the festivities, set your intentions for how you want to relate to the triggers or struggles you may encounter throughout the holidays. Be mindful of the personal values that drive this relationship and your growth. Talk with your therapist and other trusted sources of support about what you need from yourself when you encounter mental health issues. Then, when you are feeling sufficiently in touch with your needs and values, create some guidelines for our behavior moving forward. These guidelines can be reinforced through self-reminders, mantras, and mindfulness exercises.

Prepare to be exposed to triggers: One of the tricky things about holiday festivities is the relatively high likelihood they will feature common triggers. For example, people whose disordered eating tendencies are triggered by holiday delicacies are in the very uncomfortable position of having to avoid these foods without drawing too much attention to themselves. If this is your situation, now is the time to prepare mentally. You can use strategies like mindful visualization to imagine encountering your triggers (food or other triggers), identify the emotions this visualization brings up, and practice ways of declining and redirecting yourself.

Additionally, enlisting a supportive person in your life as a buffer/ cheerleader/ accountability partner is a good idea. Find someone who will join you at the holiday event and whom you trust to provide nonjudgmental support. Let them know about your trigger-related worries and goals. They can help you manage your exposure to trigger foods and uncomfortable social situations.

Refuse to complete disordered cycles: Mental health challenges often manifest as a series of cycles in which a bulk of the disordered behavior occurs as a compensatory response to an initial disordered episode. For example, a person might be triggered at a holiday party with lots of snacks, engage in a single binge, and then spend the rest of the night, day, or week trying to “make up” for the binge by engaging in more symptomatic and unhealthy actions. This is why wiping the slate clean for yourself after a disordered episode is essential. You may come out of holiday festivities wishing you had handled food differently, but you can interrupt disordered cycles simply by not completing them.

Be prepared to forgive yourself: It is unreasonable to expect perfection of yourself at any time. Try to keep self-compassion and self-forgiveness at the forefront of your mind before, during, and after any mental health challenges you are facing. Appreciate the hard work you do to keep your mind and body healthy. Recognize the personal challenges you face for the sake of connecting to your community. Validate and normalize that mistakes and setbacks happen, but they do not define you or your journey. Learn what you can and forgive yourself.

However, if you find yourself struggling with mental health challenges, please do not hesitate to reach out for help from a professional!

Takeaways:

Holidays are often celebrated as a time of joy and togetherness.
Conversely, the holiday season can bring unique emotional, social, and psychological challenges.
These challenges can include hometown visits, maintaining traditions, financial problems, social fatigue, and loneliness.
To manage these challenges, you can set boundaries in different areas, such as physical, emotional, social, and cultural.
Also, mental health challenges can amplify during holidays, and you can manage those challenges by being aware of triggers and setting boundaries.
It is important to remember that mistakes are part of the process, and self-compassion is key to maintaining one’s well-being during the holidays.

References:

Selye, H. (1956). What is stress? Metabolism, 5(5), 525-530.
Support during the holidays. (2023). SAMHSA. https://www.samhsa.gov/newsroom/observances/support-during-holidays
Dannibale, K. (2014). The effects of the holidays on eating disorders. New Errands: The Undergraduate Journal of American Studies.
Van der Kolk, B. (2000). Posttraumatic stress disorder and the nature of trauma. Dialogues in clinical neuroscience, 2(1), 7-22.
Guth, D. (2024, August 19). The New Year with Mental Health Conditions. Suburban Research Associates. https://suburbanresearch.com/the-new-year-with-mental-health-conditions/
Liang, L., Bonanno, G. A., Hougen, C., Hobfoll, S. E., & Hou, W. K. (2023). Everyday life experiences for evaluating post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 14(2), 2238584.
Center for Substance Abuse Treatment. (2014). Understanding the impact of trauma. In Trauma-informed care in behavioral health services. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US).

While our physical offices are located in South Loop and Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago, Illinois for in-person sessions, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more.

Book Now!

At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.

Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.

Contact us today to learn more about our services and schedule a session with our mental health professionals to begin your healing journey. To get started with therapy, visit our booking page.

First, decide if you’ll be paying out-of-pocket or using insurance. If you’re a self-pay client, you can book directly through the “Book Now” page or fill out the “Self-Pay/Out-of-network Inquiry Form.” If you’re using insurance, fill out the “Insurance Verification Form” to receive details about your costs and availability. Please let us know your preferred therapist. If your preferred therapist isn’t available, you can join the waitlist by emailing us. Once your appointment is confirmed, you’ll receive intake documents to complete before your first session.

This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.