How Active Listening Can Help You “Fight Right”

Life’s challenges can be overwhelming; everyone deserves a space to feel heard and supported. At Roamers Therapy, we provide trauma-informed, culturally sensitive, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and evidence-based environments to help you heal, grow, and navigate your mental well-being journey. As your psychotherapist, we are here to guide you every step of the way.

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We use communication skills every day, even every minute. Communication skills do not consist of only talking to others. They also involve listening and interpreting nonverbal cues, such as making eye contact, reading emotions from facial expressions, and using and understanding gestures. One of the important but often overlooked communication skills is listening. Listening can be simply defined as receiving information from others. According to a study by Barker, excluding sleeping hours, college students spend 17% of their time reading, 14% writing, 16% speaking, and 53% listening daily. However, not all listening is the same. One of the most effective forms is active listening. In this mini sketch, we explore the concept of active listening and share how it can help you communicate with your partner during arguments.

Listening & Active Listening

We would like to explain what listening is before discussing the concept of active listening. When we mention listening, we don’t mean “hearing.” Hearing differs from listening. It can be considered the first step of the listening process. This difference comes from the purpose of the processes. Listening aims to comprehend both the words and their meaning. It involves understanding and interpreting verbal inputs.

Active listening, in particular, is a more comprehensive process. It includes paying attention to the speaker, their nonverbal behaviors, and verbal expressions. It also includes higher cognitive functions like listening to them without judging, with empathy, and conveying the understood content as well as the emotions captured in verbal and nonverbal content. To sum up, active listening is not only about hearing but also the listener’s active participation in the process, such as using executive functions, understanding the whole picture, and empathy.

Research has shown that active listening can have many positive effects on people.

One study, which investigated active listening during initial (first-time) conversations, found that participants were more likely to find strangers as “socially attractive” if the stranger engaged in active listening. In another study using fMRI scans, researchers found that when participants felt listened to, reward pathways in their brains became activated, which led to participants experiencing positive emotions.

Active Listening in Relationships

Communication plays a great role in relationships because we often communicate with our partner in person or by phone. Although the frequency of communication varies from relationship to relationship, our partners are one of the people we communicate with the most. We use various communication skills with our partner according to the context. For example, sometimes your partner shares a story, which might remind you of a similar experience you want to share. Sometimes you might interrupt or make comments and jokes during conversations or vice versa. However, there are moments in relationships when active listening and understanding are essential. Drs. John and Judy Gottman define active listening as “listening” (not just hearing) to the speaker’s words with empathy and without judgment in a relationship context. For instance, during an argument, you might say “I’m angry with you for what you said last night” to your partner. You might notice that your partner heard and listened to what you said, but made no eye contact. Also, your partner responded with, “I was also angry with you for what you did last night.” It might make you feel like you’re not being heard at all. The difference is that active listening would involve understanding the emotion and nonverbal cues behind the words. Here are behaviors that communicate active listening:

Making (and maintaining) eye contact
Paying attention to the speaker’s verbal and nonverbal communication
Remaining mindful of our own body language
Asking the speaker clarifying or open-ended questions
Empathizing with the speaker’s feelings and experience
Engaging in nonverbal communication that conveys you are following (e.g., head nods)
Avoiding unnecessary interjections

Using Active Listening during Conflict

All relationships experience conflict. Having conflict is not the issue; conflict is a normal (and expected) part of all relationships. The bigger issue is how people handle conflict. Research suggests that active listening plays a key role in navigating conflict and creating deeper, more meaningful connections across various types of relationships and settings (and even with people we have just met!). This is because when people feel listened to, a space is created where they feel safe to continue to be vulnerable. If you would like to employ active listening during conflicts, Here are some helpful tips on what to avoid and what you can do:

What to avoid:

When experiencing conflict, there are some things to be mindful of (yes, we can do this the wrong way!). Here are things to look out for or avoid:

Body Language: Things like closed postures, deep sighs, facial expressions, breaks in eye contact, or even an untimely yawn or laugh can communicate the wrong message (even unintentionally).
Distractions: Phone use, television, chores, music or other things co-occurring in the background can draw a listener’s attention away from the speaker, which can convey disinterest.
Interjections: Remain present and avoid interjections. While listening, it’s easy to get lost in silent disagreements. Remember, listening and empathizing do not mean agreeing.

What you can do:

As the name suggests, active listening is all about being engaged rather than just sitting back and observing. This opens up possibilities for actions we can take to actively listen during conflicts:

Non-verbal Communication: Adopt a relaxed, open posture, and make eye contact with the speaker. Cue the speaker that you are listening and that you care with head nods, or physical touch (like holding the speaker’s hand).
Verbal Communication: Ask clarifying questions to show you want to get it right (e.g., “Did I understand you?” or “Is there more?”). Ask open-ended questions to encourage the speaker to keep sharing (e.g., “How did you feel after that?”). Reflect and validate what you are hearing. Thank the speaker for their vulnerability.
We use various communication skills with our partner according to the context. However, there are moments in relationships when active listening and understanding are essential.

The Speaker-Listener Technique

During conflict, the Speaker-Listener Technique may be a good way to have a difficult conversation. Here are some ground rules:

Take turns. One person is the speaker at a given time. When the speaker is done, roles can be swapped.
As the speaker, try to be brief. Focus on specific actions and how they made you feel. Use “I” statements and avoid criticism.
As the listener, practice the active listening techniques previously shared. Try to focus on the message the speaker is trying to get across to you.

Takeaways

Communication skills include talking (one form is active listening), and interpreting nonverbal cues, such as making eye contact, reading emotions from facial expressions, and using and understanding gestures.
Active listening includes paying attention to the speaker, their nonverbal behaviors, and verbal expressions, listening without judging, using empathy, and conveying the understood content as well as the emotions captured in verbal and nonverbal content.
Active listening plays a key role in navigating conflict and creating deeper, more meaningful connections in various relationships and settings.
Using active communication techniques such as using appropriate nonverbal cues, asking clarifying questions, and using the speaker-listening technique might help navigate arguments.

While our physical offices are located in South Loop and Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago, Illinois for in-person sessions, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more.

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At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.

Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.

Contact us today to learn more about our services and schedule a session with our mental health professionals to begin your healing journey. To get started with therapy, visit our booking page.

First, decide if you’ll be paying out-of-pocket or using insurance. If you’re a self-pay client, you can book directly through the “Book Now” page or fill out the “Self-Pay/Out-of-network Inquiry Form.” If you’re using insurance, fill out the “Insurance Verification Form” to receive details about your costs and availability. Please let us know your preferred therapist. If your preferred therapist isn’t available, you can join the waitlist by emailing us. Once your appointment is confirmed, you’ll receive intake documents to complete before your first session.

This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.