Interdependence in Relationships: Losing Balance Over Fear
Roamers Therapy | March 2024
Interdependence is a common factor in healthy relationships. Interdependence is finding the balance between self and others within a relationship, be it romantic or friendship. What we mean by balanced interdependence is both parties have enough room for an individual to continue to develop themselves and for both individuals to continue to develop shared meaning within their relationship. Although balancing in relationships may seem like an easy, common factor in theory, implementing it in practice can be challenging and may involve risks for the people in the relationship. We will discuss the importance of interdependence in relationships, in which cases it can be disrupted, and what can be done about it.
Relationships are dynamic processes that possess both negative and positive aspects within it. These aspects might be getting deeper as both parties get closer to each other emotionally. Although closeness is necessary for a relationship to run its natural flow, it might also reveal vulnerability and emotional risk. The risk can rooted in losing a sense of independence and fear of loss. How can we be frightened by this factor that is essential to the nature of the relationship? Because human brains are designed to predict the future, every relationship contains some uncertainty. In addition, we can think of people and the relationships around them as a system according to the systems theories. The person and the person’s existing relationships and their degree of closeness to the person exist in a state of homeostasis. When we acknowledge that someone is important to us, a new form of intimacy enters our system and causes a drastic change in the regular system. Anything new and unfamiliar, even if it is beneficial for the system, can cause fear or anxiety until we get used to it. Let’s take a closer look at relationship-induced fear.
Fear
Fear is one of the most fundamental emotions that can arise in situations of perceived danger or harm. This danger can be a car speeding at you while crossing the street, a grade on an exam, or a message from a loved one. The punchline is that you perceive the stimulus as danger. During moments of fear, your fight or flight mechanism is activated through neurochemical changes, which means you either fight or run away from the danger to protect yourself. This feeling often plays an important role as a lifeguard and keeps us physically, emotionally, and psychologically safe, especially in new situations that can hold new and unpredictable dangers. It can be normal for emotional intimacy to trigger fear in you, even if it is not the relationship itself but something new you share in the relationship that can be the subject of fear. Moreover, it is not enough to explain the cause of relationship-induced fear only in terms of uncertainty and novelty. Even if the framework of the relationship is more certain and the situation is no longer new to the system, the sense of fear may not disappear immediately. Here is where you may fear the loss of the relationship.
Fear of loss is an emotional response to the threat and possibility of losing things we value and care about. Humans tend to be anxious and experience intense fear at the prospect of losing what they care about. Yet, the experience of fear of loss is unique to every person and relation, and it might rooted in multiple factors. From this perspective, many reasons can lead to fear of loss, such as attachment style, childhood traumas, and fear of losing control. An acute event can trigger this feeling, or it can become a chronic state that negatively affects the normal flow of the relationship. Fear of loss indicates that something is important to you. However, prolonged fear of loss can disrupt the balance of interdependence in relationships. Disruption of interdependence balance between two parties can lead to many unhealthy relationship behaviors, such as weak boundaries, constant seeking to please the other party, reactivity, unhealthy communication, emotional manipulation, difficulty in emotional intimacy, controlling behaviors, blaming, and a life focused solely on the relationship. It thus may lead to a breakdown in the relationship.
What can be done?
Provide Self-Care
It can be helpful to continue to be curious about the other person’s needs or desires and to create an idea of conscious risk in the relationship that is challenging but not overwhelming. However, it is important to prioritize correctly. We can sometimes put others above ourselves by trying to fulfill the needs of others. Putting others above rather than ourselves on our priority list might cause the fear of losing and destabilize the relationship. Therefore, acknowledging and fulfilling our needs in balance with others and turning the focus back on oneself will help a lot with the fear of loss.
Accept that your relationship is unique.
Every relationship is different, and our previous experiences can affect how we feel or react in another relationship. Still, they do not define that relationship, even if it is similar. A couple of phrases that can be helpful to create differentiation between experiences include:
- “(X Person) is not (Y Person).”
- “This experience is different because the person is different.”
Cherish your relationship by underlining why you care about it.
Recognizing what is important about this particular relationship can be helpful to continue to foster a culture of appreciation for yourself and others. You can start cherishing your relationship by simply asking yourself to see the reflection of the relationship in you. Some questions for reflection include:
- What has this relationship fostered within you and between the two of you?
- What aspects of this relationship do you cherish?
- What memories and experiences has it created?
- How is it that what you fear sharing will deepen your connection with yourself, your community, or the individual you wish to share it with?
Stay in the Moment
Sometimes, we fear what is to come. Staying in the moment with yourself and the relationship will allow you to be present for what is possible now, considering that the present moment is the only way to nurture our relationships or repair ruptures. A couple of ways to stay mindful include taking deep breaths, focusing active and intentional attention on an object in the room, and bringing attention to your five senses to return to the present moment.
Receive Support
Lastly, it is essential to acknowledge that taking an emotional risk within a relationship can place someone’s life, well-being, and access to social, financial, or familial support at risk. In cases where you’d like to discuss the risks further or speak with someone who can consolidate possible resources for support, reaching out to a social worker or licensed professional can be an excellent first step.
While our physical offices are located in South Loop and Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago, Illinois for in-person sessions, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more.
This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.
While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.