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Looking Beyond Behavior

We experience many emotions throughout the day; we notice some, while others linger within us in a more vague way. For example, we might feel restless but can’t quite pinpoint where that feeling comes from. Or an interaction with someone stays on our mind (we think about it over and over), but we can’t clearly identify what we actually felt in that moment or what the other person was going through. Sometimes the opposite happens. Our minds work very quickly, and we immediately assign meaning. Phrases like “They did this on purpose,” “They don’t care about me,” or “I always feel this way” practically come automatically. These interpretations seem very real and definitive in the moment. Yet, most of the time, what we see is only a part of what’s actually happening. 

This is because the human mind has little tolerance for uncertainty. It tends to fill in the gaps quickly. We observe a behavior and attribute an intention to it. We feel an emotion and immediately want to pin it down with an explanation. Or we find ourselves unable to do so, which can leave us feeling uncomfortable. In a sense, this is the mind’s way of protecting itself; it tries to make the world more predictable and controllable. But this speed comes at a cost. When we assign meaning too quickly, we often miss out on alternatives. Both scenarios can make it harder to understand both ourselves and others.

This is where the capacity we call mentalization comes into play. Mentalization involves trying to understand what is happening from a slower, more curious, and more flexible perspective. It means asking not only “What happened?” but also “What might be going on mentally within this situation?” In other words, it means going beyond behavior to wonder about the emotions, thoughts, and intentions behind that behavior. However, what’s important here is that this curiosity doesn’t have to lead to a definitive answer. Mentalization is less about finding the right answer and more about the capacity to hold different possibilities. In this mini sketch, we explore the process of mentalization.

What is mentalization?

Mentalization is the capacity to understand both your own behavior and the behavior of others by referring to the mental states underlying those behaviors. This is not merely a process of “understanding,” but also a form of inference. This is because behavior alone does not provide sufficient data. Therefore, mentalization is a transition from the visible to the invisible. A person looks not only at what is happening but also at what emotions, thoughts, or intentions might lie behind it. However, what is important here is that this inference is never definitive because it is not possible to read someone’s mind, and there are lots of unconscious patterns behind our behaviors. For this reason, mentalization is, by its very nature, probabilistic, temporary, and flexible. It offers the individual a broader perception of reality (Fitzgerald, 2024).

For example, when a friend doesn’t reply to your message for hours, the thought “They don’t care about me” might cross your mind. When mentalization comes into play, however, a person can pause and consider alternatives like; maybe they’re having a busy day, maybe they didn’t see the message, or maybe they’re going through an emotionally difficult time right now. The situation itself doesn’t change, but the meaning attributed to it becomes more flexible. Similarly, when someone speaks to you in a brief and distant manner, it’s possible to interpret this as “They’re angry with me.” The mentalization process doesn’t limit this to a single explanation. It also considers that the person might be experiencing something else internally, might be tired, or might be affected by a situation unrelated to you.

This capacity is also important when we turn inward. For example, when you feel restless and tense during the day, instead of simply labeling it as “I’m very stressed like always,” recognizing that there might be an unmet expectation, a hurt feeling, or an unspoken need underlying it is part of mentalization. This allows a person to analyze their own experience in a deeper and more meaningful way.

Dimensions of Mentalization

Although mentalization may appear to be a single skill, it is actually a dynamic system in which multiple dimensions work together (Ahmadi et al., 2021). These dimensions determine how a person interprets others’ thoughts, what they focus on, and how flexibly they can do so. The literature specifically identifies four core dimensions, and healthy mentalization requires the ability to maintain a balance among these dimensions.

  1. Automatic vs Controlled: The first dimension is the difference between automatic and controlled mentalization. Automatic mentalization is a fast, intuitive process that often operates unconsciously. An example of this is “feeling as if” we know what the other person is feeling during everyday conversations. Controlled mentalization, on the other hand, is a slower, conscious, and effortful process. It comes into play especially when we don’t understand someone or when we experience a conflict. For example, if someone speaks harshly in an unexpected way, our automatic mind might interpret this as “they’re angry at me.” Controlled mentalization, however, involves pausing to reflect: perhaps they’re tired, or perhaps they’re going through something else. In healthy functioning, these two systems work together; one facilitates quick understanding, while the other revisits that understanding when necessary (Ahmadi et al., 2021).
  2. Self or Other-focused: The second dimension lies between self-focused and other-focused mentalization. In other words, a person either focuses on their own mental states or on those of others. Balance is crucial here. Focusing solely on oneself causes a person to miss others’ perspectives. Focusing solely on others, on the other hand, can lead a person to neglect their own needs and emotions. For example, someone who constantly focuses on “I wonder what they’re thinking” might fail to notice how they themselves are feeling. Or, conversely, they might focus solely on their own feelings and never consider the other person’s intentions. Mentalization involves the ability to move back and forth between these two perspectives (Ahmadi et al., 2021).
  3. Internal vs External: The third dimension lies between internal and external focus. Internal mentalization focuses on invisible mental states such as emotions, thoughts, and intentions. External mentalization, on the other hand, relies on observable cues such as facial expressions, body language, and behavior. A balanced perspective uses both of these together. Focusing solely on external cues can lead to incorrect inferences. For example, looking at someone’s facial expression and saying, “They’re angry with me,” is a judgment made without considering their inner world. Focusing solely on the internal can also lead to a disconnect from reality. Therefore, mentalization involves weighing both the visible and the invisible (Ahmadi et al., 2021).
  4. Cognitive vs Emotional: The fourth dimension is the balance between cognitive and emotional mentalization. Cognitive mentalization primarily involves understanding through thoughts, beliefs, and logic. Emotional mentalization, on the other hand, is the capacity to empathize and feel emotions. Some people are very good at analyzing but do not feel the emotion; others experience the emotion intensely but cannot make sense of it. For example, being able to logically explain why someone is sad is cognitive mentalization, but being able to feel that sadness and be present with it is emotional mentalization. In healthy functioning, these two dimensions complement each other (Ahmadi et al., 2021).

Ultimately, mentalization is less about the strength of these four dimensions individually and more about the flexibility and balance between them. Sometimes speeding up, sometimes slowing down; sometimes turning inward, sometimes toward the other; sometimes trusting what is seen, sometimes considering what is unseen; sometimes analyzing, sometimes feeling, they are all part of the process. Mentalization (in a balanced way) is about the ability to make these transitions.

How do we develop it?

Mentalization is not a fully developed capacity at birth; it is shaped largely through early relationships, particularly through the bond formed with the caregiver. In the first years of life, a child cannot directly make sense of their own internal experiences. However, as the caregiver recognizes, names, and reflects the child’s emotions back to them, the child gradually learns to identify their own mental states. In this process, the child not only calms down but also begins to perceive themselves and others as beings with inner worlds. Secure attachment relationships give the child the capacity to represent both their own mind and the minds of others. For this reason, mentalization is directly related to attachment patterns and develops through internal models that take shape (Fitzgerald, 2024).

How to broaden mentalization skills?

Developing mentalization generally doesn’t happen through a sudden realization, but rather through a capacity that gradually expands through repeated experiences and relationships. In other words, it requires more practice, more curiosity, and a bit of self-compassion. There are several ways to support this, and they all ultimately lead to the same goal of “keeping the mind a little more open and a little more flexible”. Here are some evidence-based approaches to broaden mentalization skills.

  • Therapy

Therapy is one of the areas where mentalization is most directly addressed in all dimensions. Approaches such as MBT, CBT, DBT, and Mindfulness-based interventions focus on helping individuals become aware of their emotions and thoughts, connect them to behavior, and maintain multiple perspectives simultaneously. The key here is not the complete disappearance of intense emotions, but the ability to continue thinking amid them. In other words, being able to say, “I’m very angry right now, but what else might be going on here?” (Luyten et al., 2024)

  • Mindfulness and inner awareness exercises

Being able to turn the mind inward is crucial for mentalization. Even taking a brief moment to ask, “What’s happening in my body right now?” or “What am I feeling?” strengthens inner mentalization. Such practices allow you to notice emotions without getting lost in them. This way, the person begins to understand rather than just react.

  • Learning to be curious in daily life

Mentalization actually develops in small moments. Even pausing briefly instead of jumping to conclusions when someone doesn’t behave as you expected is a form of practice. Leaving the question “Why did they do that?” open-ended rather than closing it with a definitive answer expands the mind. Discussing misunderstandings, asking for clarity, and talking about the relationship nourish mentalization.

  • Visualization and Imagination

Sometimes, mentally replaying a situation and asking, “What was I feeling in that moment? What might the other person have been feeling?” can deepen mentalization. This is a powerful way to make sense of challenging relational moments later on.

  • Stories, movies, series, and literature

Thinking about what people might be feeling through books, TV shows, or films is a powerful exercise to strengthen external mentalization. But the goal here isn’t to find the right answer; it’s to see different possibilities. The question, “What might this character/person be feeling while doing this?” shifts the mind away from a single explanation (Pino & Mazza,2016).

  • Mentalization is the capacity to understand one’s own and others’ behaviors by attributing them to underlying emotions, thoughts, and intentions.
  • Mentalization operates across four core dimensions: automatic vs. controlled, self-focused vs. other-focused, internal vs. external, and cognitive vs. emotional.
  • Mentalization takes shape within secure relationships formed with caregivers in early childhood and continues to develop throughout life through experiences and relationships.
  • Mentalization is strengthened through therapy, mindfulness, curiosity-based thinking, and repeated practices that explore different perspectives.

References:

Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect regulation, mentalization, and the development of the self. Other Press.

Bateman, A., & Fonagy, P. (2016). Mentalization-based treatment for personality disorders: A practical guide. Oxford University Press.

Fitzgerald, A. (2024). Mentalization: An overview of the concept. European Journal of Health Policy, Humanization of Care and Medical Ethics, 2(3). https://doi.org/10.21697/ejhp.1709.03

Ahmadi, M., Bagherian-Sararoudi, R., & Mosavi, S. M. H. (2021). Mentalization and its multidimensional nature. Journal of Research in Behavioral Sciences, 18(4), 616–622. https://doi.org/10.29252/rbs.18.4.616

Luyten, P., Campbell, C., Moser, M., & Fonagy, P. (2024). The role of mentalizing in psychological interventions in adults: Systematic review and recommendations for future research. Clinical psychology review, 108, 102380. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102380

Pino, M. C., & Mazza, M. (2016). The Use of “Literary Fiction” to Promote Mentalizing Ability. PloS one, 11(8), e0160254. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0160254

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