Pitfalls of Mental Shortcuts: Assumption Traps in Couples

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Assumptions are the shortcuts we use to make sense of the world around us, including our relationships and also about our partner. Sometimes, it might be times when we face a situation that confuses us in a romantic relationship. We might not have all the details to understand what’s happening entirely. In this case, we try to make sense of what is happening in the relationship and try to understand what the partner is thinking or behaving this way from our perspectives and insights. This is where assumptions pop up. We might consider the different reasons this happens in line with our past experiences and the information we learned. And if we convince ourselves that our assumptions are accurate without looking for more information or confirmation, we might misinterpret the situation. When we make assumptions, we apply our interpretations to the current situation. This often leads to misguided beliefs about our partner’s intentions or feelings. Communicating openly, seeking clarification, and avoiding using assumptions based on incomplete information can help cultivate healthy relationships. In this therapy sketch, we will explain assumptions and how they affect relationships.

What are Assumption Traps?

To understand assumption traps in couples, let’s look at what an assumption is. Assumptions are sets of beliefs that are accepted as accurate without any current evidence. They are the backbone of our decision-making and reasoning process. But why do we rely on assumptions? The answer to it lies in our cognitive limitations as humans. We cannot process all the information because we receive tons of it every minute. Imagine that whenever you encounter a new situation, you stop and think about it slowly as if it were the first time you experience this. It would take a lot of time and energy, and it would also cause lots of confusion. To avoid spending all energy and save time, we learn and categorize information and reserve it in “schemas”. These schemas lead to assumptions and shape the information we notice, think about, and remember. As described by Aronson and their colleagues, we have schemas about almost everything, such as people, ourselves, social roles, and events. Since it contains all information about the social world, it affects how we interpret new social situations (Aranson, 2023).

Assumptions are functional in confusing situations because they help us determine what is happening. For example, let’s say you texted your partner after an argument, but they have not texted back to you for more than two hours. This situation includes a certain amount of uncertainty. Here is the point where your assumptions step in. To eliminate this uncertainty, you might think that “they must be busy,” or you might also think “they should be angry with me.” The assumption that comes to your mind and guides your impression can be affected by accessibility. This means that the schemas that are forefront of the mind are likely to be used in making judgements about the social situation. Some schemas might be chronically accessible due to experience. This means these schemas and related assumptions are constantly active and ready to use in ambiguous situations. However, just because an assumption is accessible, that doesn’t mean it’s true. For example, an alternative explanation that might not come to mind right away could be that their phone is broken, and they can’t reply (Aranson, 2023). Even though assumptions have too many advantages, every shortcut has an error rate. Assumptions can lead individuals to the wrong path when accepted as accurate without being examined. Even if it had been examined before, the reality might have changed, and the assumption might have become dysfunctional. This is where assumption traps emerge. Unexamined or outdated assumptions can seriously distort relationships with ourselves and others.

Assumptions in Relationships

As simple as it may seem, it can sometimes be difficult to accept that two different people in a relationship have different opinions. No matter how committed you are to each other, how close your relationship is, and how well you think you understand your partner, it is likely that you and your partner will interpret the same situation differently. We all come from different backgrounds, different families, and different temperaments and experiences. Therefore, each of us will have different ways of looking at situations. This is precisely why assumptions, which are common in romantic relationships, are so harmful. But how to recognize that assumptions are involved in relationships?

Signs that You’re Making Assumptions in the Relationship:

Believing that your partner understands how you feel without sharing it with them.
Acting on guesses, thinking they are ‘’real”.
Choosing to use passive actions that damage the relationship bond.
Causing unnecessary stress and drama in the relationship based on your own ideas.
Misinterpreting the partner’s body language and creating your own story.
Ruining the relationship by manipulating it with unfounded thoughts.

Causes of the Assumptions in the Relationship

It is often previous life experiences that lead to assumptions in relationships. The pain felt in the past in this context determines how we interpret the current situation (Bastos, 2023). If you have had fidelity issues with a past partner or current partner, you are likely to interpret this as infidelity when they say they have to work on the weekend. On the other hand, growing up in a home of assumptions may lead you to approach relationships in your adult life with distrust and to manage your relationships with assumptions. On the other hand, another important reason for making assumptions in relationships is the lack of communication in relationships (Bastos, 2023). When partners do not share their feelings and thoughts with each other sufficiently and openly, the likelihood of making assumptions increases, which leads to erroneous thoughts and negatively affects the relationship. In short, the various sources that shape assumptions include previous experiences, fears and worries, cultural interpretations, myths, and core values (Searby, 2009). Let’s take a closer look at examples of assumptions!

Examples of Assumptions in the Relationship:

‘’They didn’t tell me anything, they must be very angry.’’
‘’Shouldn’t they know how I feel, so why don’t they?’’
‘’They still haven’t called me, so they must not like me anymore.’’
‘’They didn’t ask me to meet them. I’m sure they’re seeing someone else.’’

Assumptions prevent relationships from developing through communication, trust, and understanding, leading to vicious cycles in relationships. The person makes assumptions about their partner due to a lack of communication, and the more they make assumptions, the more the communication between them and their partner deteriorates. Assumptions that distort reality and prevent intimacy between partners can, with conscious effort, be replaced by healthy communication. Instead of the sample assumption sentences above, below are some sentences that can be used to initiate healthy communication. It is possible to see the difference between the approaches just by reading the sentences!

Examples of Healthy Communication Phrases in the Relationship (Smyth, 2021):

‘’What is important to you?’’
‘’What would you like to see happen?’’
‘’How can I help you?’’
‘’Can I talk to you about something important to me?’’
‘’You seem tense. Do you want to talk?’’
‘’I need some support and a hug.’’

How Does It Affect Romantic Relationships?

Assumptions are generally further than observation alone. It starts with the observation, but continues with filling in the blanks to make sense of this behavior or argument. For example, an observation would sound like, “I noticed you were making noise in the kitchen when you were making a snack last night.” An assumption would sound like, “It made me uncomfortable to hear you make more noise than necessary. I know you were mad at me because I didn’t have dinner prepared, and you were annoyed that you had to make your snack.” This can negatively impact relationships and prepare the ground for a conflict between partners. Let’s closely examine the effects of the assumption traps through the Gottman Method:

Reinforcement of Negative Patterns: Assumptions might lead to criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These concepts are explained by John and Julie Gottman. Gottman identifies these as ‘’Four Horsemen.’’ To examine the Four Horsemen further, you can check our therapy sketch, which focuses on the Four Horsemen. For instance, assuming bad intentions can cause partners to criticize each other. This can lead to defensive responses and emotional withdrawal. This pattern might make it harder to repair conflicts and restore emotional closeness.
Increased Conflict: Assumptions might lead to defensiveness and harsh start-ups in conversations. When one partner assumes the other is intentionally hurtful or critical, the discussion often escalates to conflict rather than resolution. For example, assuming a partner made noise in the kitchen due to anger toward you can trigger contempt or criticism. This can intensify the argument.
Flooding: Assumptions might contribute to an emotional state called flooding. Flooding occurs when individuals feel overwhelmed and unable to engage in the moment. This experience might be damaging because it reduces self-soothing skills. It might create a distress cycle and cause the person to disconnect emotionally. Gottman’s research shows that experiencing flooding repeatedly can increase the likelihood of burnout and emotional exhaustion.
Trust Problems: Gottman highlights the importance of attunement and trust-building through emotional bids in his research. Assumptions might damage trust by creating hostile intentions to a partner’s behaviors. This makes it harder to turn toward each other.

On the other hand, Kurdek researched how assumptions affected relationships in 1992. Kurdek defined two dysfunctional thoughts as follows: assumptions and standards. Standards are beliefs about how relationships should be in general. Assumptions basically define the cognitions of partners and romantic relationships. These assumptions are generally shaped by current interactions with present partners and relationships and do not include specific proofs. Let’s give an example of assumptions about partners. An individual might believe that their partner is lazy. In this case, they may attribute their partner’s lateness to the meeting to laziness rather than other reasons without evidence. According to Kurdek, these assumptions are formed through several factors. The first factor is misinterpreting situations that reinforce negative perceptions. The second factor is linking events that are not always directly related without considering the other explanations. In a study by Kurdek with 356 couples, participants completed questionnaires with questions on assumptions and standards. At the end of the study, participants were more strongly in favor of assumptions than standards, and they were more directly linked to the current relationship. In addition, both assumptions and standards were negatively related to relationship satisfaction. Individuals with dysfunctional assumptions or standards tend to have lower levels of relationship satisfaction (Kurdek, 1992).

What Can We Do About It?

If you ever find yourself relying on thoughts or feelings to conclude, you are making an assumption. Remember, you are in a relationship with your partner, not an assumption. Here are a few steps to integrate when unsure what to make of our partner’s behavior, comments, mannerisms, etc.

Take a step back and slow down. It can be challenging to manage this when we feel an intense emotion, but do not go with your feelings blindly. They are valid, but cannot speak to the facts of interpreting an interaction. Take a breath and acknowledge you might be misunderstanding something.
Don’t be afraid to check in with your partner. Once you have regulated the triggering emotion, check in with your partner about their behavior and comment. This shows your capacity to step back and hold space for your partner. This can look like, “Hey, your tone felt critical; did you mean it to be?” or “I noticed you canceled our date tonight on the calendar; did you not want to do something else?”
Always seek to gain clarification. Sharing the impact of their actions or words with your partner can benefit you and your partner. This indicates you are not trying to argue a point but seek a better understanding for you and your partner. This could look like, “It seems you would rather be with your friends than me, and it has happened often. This makes me sad and worried that you don’t want to spend time with me. Can we talk about this?”

These steps can allow you and your partner to foster understanding, trust, and resilience when there are unintentional or unconscious ruptures. Feeling safe with our significant other goes beyond a physical context. We want to feel secure emotionally, socially, and mentally. Assumptions will challenge this, so use the outline above to safeguard this level of care and alliance with your partner. If you feel like you and your partner experience assumption traps a lot, couples therapy might help you get on the right path.

Takeaways:

Assumptions are beliefs accepted as accurate without evidence. They often serve as cognitive shortcuts that can distort relationships if left unexamined or outdated.
Assumptions usually lead to recurring patterns of criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
When in doubt about a partner’s behavior, checking in, regulating emotions, and seeking clarification rather than relying on assumptions are crucial.

References

1.Aronson, E., Wilson, T. D., Akert, R. M., Sommers, S. R., Gould, E. P., & Lewis, N., Jr. (2023). Social psychology (11th ed.). Pearson Education.

2. Kurdek, L. A. (1992). Assumptions versus standards: The validity of two relationship cognitions in heterosexual and homosexual couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 6(2), 164–170. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.6.2.164

3 .The Gottman Institute. (2024, November 22). The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

4 .Bastos, F. (2023, September 4). The Detrimental Effects of Assumptions in Relationships. MindOwl. https://mindowl.org/assumptions-in-relationships/

5 .Smyth, T. (2021, November 9). What are the relationship traps people fall into? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-with-finesse/202111/becoming-aware-of-your-assumptions-in-intimate-relationships

6.Searby, L. (2009). “But I Thought. …” An Examination of Assumptions in The Mentoring Relationship. Adult Learning, 20(1-2), 10-13. https://doi.org/10.1177/104515950902000103

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While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.