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Why do we keep falling for the same person over and over?

There is a good chance that when you were talking with your friends about dating, this question came up: “Why do the same people always end up in my life?” Maybe you were the one who asked this question. You or someone you know might have noticed that even though they happened in different parts of life, the experiences of romantic relationships are pretty similar. So, is all of this just a coincidence? According to schema therapists, this is not a coincidence. Instead, our schemas may be driving us toward it (Young & Gluhoski, 1997). Behind this recurring pattern, there might be a psychological mechanism known as “schema chemistry.” This mechanism explains why we tend to attract certain personality types, experience similar relationship dynamics, and struggle to break free from this cycle. In this mini sketch, we will look into what schema chemistry is, how it works, and how we can break free from this cycle.

What is Schema?

The concept of “schema,” which gives Schema Therapy its name, refers to a pattern or regulatory framework that helps create order within a complex set of stimuli and experiences (Beck, 1972). Schemas enable us to perceive ourselves, others, and the world around us. Schemas develop during childhood to make sense of the world and enable survival, and they are shaped based on the fulfillment of our basic human needs (Young & Lindeman, 1992; Rafaeli, Bernstein, & Young, 2011):

  • Security and Attachment: Feeling secure in connecting with others
  • Autonomy and Identity: Developing a sense of self and autonomy
  • Freedom to Express Feelings: Ability to ask others for what you need
  • Spontaneity and Naturalness: Playing and behaving naturally
  • Realistic Boundaries: Age-appropriate, safe boundaries and rules 

When our basic needs are not met during early childhood, we develop maladaptive schemas. For example, a child with emotionally distant parents may create a schema that says, “I am not worthy of love.” For a child, it is not possible to understand the real reasons, such as the parent being unhappy, depressed, or emotionally limited due to their upbringing. There are 18 early maladaptive schemas categorized under five themes  (Young et al., 2003; Koruk & Ozabacı, 2020):

  1. Disconnection/Rejection Area: Includes abandonment, insecurity/abuse, emotional deprivation, defectiveness/shame, and social isolation schemas.
  2. Damaged Autonomy Area: Includes dependency/inadequacy, harm, fusion, and failure schemas.
  3. Damaged Boundaries Area: Includes entitlement and inadequate self-control schemas.
  4. Other-Directedness Area: Includes submission, self-sacrifice, and approval-seeking schemas.
  5. Hypervigilance and Suppression Domain: Includes negativity, excessive control, perfectionism, and punitiveness schemas.

Understanding how these schemas are formed and classified is crucial to understanding our relationships, as they shed light on how we perceive the world, others, and ourselves. Now, let’s examine how schemas play a role in our romantic relationships as adults and explore the concept of schema chemistry, which may answer the question of why the same people keep entering our lives.  

What is Schema Chemistry?

Schema chemistry refers to the phenomenon of feeling a strong attraction to people who reinforce our negative schemas and being inclined to form relationships with individuals who fit these schemas (Young & Gluhoski, 1997). This phenomenon manifests as a strong attraction to someone compatible with our schemas. At the core of schema chemistry lies a sense of familiarity. This means that one of the most important reasons we feel attracted to people who fit our schemas is that they feel familiar to us. Since we are familiar with our schemas and view the world through the filtered lenses they provide, we may perceive these individuals as close, familiar, and even as though they have been part of our lives for a long time. While this sense of familiarity may be very appealing, it can also be dangerous because the issue is not love or affection, but rather the triggering of our schemas.

The patterns formed by these schemas constitute our personality; the interaction of our schemas with others shapes our approach to forming relationships, and our schemas trigger the intense emotions we feel toward others. The connection between our schemas and those of others is referred to as schema compatibility, also known as schema chemistry. To better understand, let us look at some examples of schema chemistry in daily life (Sahin, 2024):

  • Abandonment Schema: Individuals with an abandonment schema tend to feel a strong attraction to those who are inconsistent, indifferent, workaholic, or already committed. Since these individuals are already unsuitable partners for a relationship, the person with the abandonment schema is ultimately abandoned, thereby validating their schema.
  • Failure Schema: Someone with a failure schema tends to choose partners who are self-critical, overly perfectionistic, and judgmental. In this case, their partner’s behavior constantly triggers the person’s failure schema.
  • Dependency-Control Cycle: A person with a dependent personality pattern who has the “I am responsible for the well-being of others” schema creates a perfect match with someone who has a dependency problem and needs to be “rescued”.
  • Narcissism-Sacrifice Cycle: A strong chemistry develops between someone with the schema “I am special, I always deserve to get what I want” and someone with the schema “I must always put others’ needs before my own” 

While these examples illustrate how schema chemistry works, how can we recognize such a situation in our own lives? The answer lies in identifying the signs of schema chemistry.

 Sign for Scheme Chemistry

We grew up reading and watching great romance movies and books. There was passion, heartbreak, tears, and we learned love should be like this. However, as we mentioned earlier, what if these are just triggers? Recognizing these signs in yourself is crucial to breaking the cycle of repeatedly falling for the same people (Hayes & Parsonnet, 2016):

  • Sudden and intense attraction: Feeling an attraction at first sight
  • Feeling of familiarity: The other person feels familiar, but you do not know why
  • Anxiety and preoccupation: Being constantly preoccupied with your partner, worrying about the direction of the relationship
  • Emotional intensity: The relationship is characterized by conflict and intense emotional fluctuations
  • Stagnation: The relationship is not progressing or deepening
  • Fear of Leaving: Feeling fear when considering leaving, even if unhappy 

Now that we have examined the possible warning signs and understand the roles of schemas in our relationships, let us focus on what we can actually do to break this cycle.

Recognizing and Breaking Schema Chemistry

Making the right decisions in relationships begins with understanding schema chemistry. This process of awareness entails identifying your schemas and comprehending the decisions you make as a result of them. Once we start making decisions not based on scheme chemistry but for ourselves and our values, we become free of the “falling for the same person over and over” cycle.

1. Recognize Your Schemas: To comprehend how your early experiences impact your relationships as an adult, identify your schemas. 

2. Consider Your Relationship Decisions: Examine your previous partnerships. Which individuals drew your attention? What traits did these people have in common? Which problems did you frequently face in your relationships?

3. Healthy Chemistry vs. Schema Chemistry: Selecting a partner who not only fits your schemas but also attends to your emotional needs and boosts your self-esteem is essential to creating a healthy relationship. 

4. Get Professional Assistance: Schema chemistry is a complex psychological process that can be challenging to comprehend on your own. You can recognize your schemas and learn how to move toward healthy relationships with a therapist’s assistance.

Takeaways:

  • Schemas develop during childhood to help us understand the world around us. However, when our basic needs are not met in childhood, we form maladaptive schemas.
  • Schema chemistry is the intense attraction we feel toward people who trigger our schemas.
  • The chemistry feels familiar and exciting, but it leads to repeated painful relationship dynamics.
  • To break the cycle, we must understand and learn about our schemas. 

References

  1. Hayes, C. & Parsonnet, L. (2016). Issue: couples and relationships. The Schema Therapy Bulletin, 3. 1
  2. Beck AT.Depression: Causes and Treatment. Philadelphia, PA: University of Pennsylvania Press; 1972.
  3. Koruk, S., & Ozabaci, N. (2020). Fate or Schema Chemistry? Which one does bring and hold mates together? Educational Research and Reviews, 11, 17-42.
  4. Rafaeli, E., Bernstein, D. P., & Young, J. E. (2012). Şema Terapi Ayırıcı Özellikler. İstanbul: Psikonet Yayınları.
  5. Young, J., & Gluhoski, V. (1997). A schema-focused perspective on satisfaction in close relationships. In R. J. Sternberg, M. Hojjat (Eds.), Satisfaction in close relationships. New York: Guilford Press.
  6. Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy. New York: Guilford Press.
  7. Young, J. E., & Lindemann, M. D. (1992). An integrative schema-focused model for personality disorders. Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, 6(1), 11–23.
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