Should I Stay or Should I Go: What is Discernment Counseling?
Life’s challenges can be overwhelming; everyone deserves a space to feel heard and supported. At Roamers Therapy, we provide trauma-informed, culturally sensitive, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and evidence-based environments to help you heal, grow, and navigate your mental well-being journey. As your psychotherapist, we are here to guide you every step of the way.
Discernment counseling is a short-term counseling approach for couples or partners in a relationship who are considering divorce or separation.
The purpose of discernment counseling is not to help partners work through their issues. While some people who agree to stay together may seek relationship counseling to work through their problems, the purpose of discernment counseling is to help partners clarify whether they should stay together or part ways.
Discernment Counseling can be especially helpful in relationships where at least one person wants to leave and at least one person wants to stay.
Principles of Discernment Counseling
Discernment counseling follows certain principles to help partners decide the future of their relationship:
- Non-blaming: A focus on exploring perspectives without blame.
- Respect for autonomy: Each partner’s autonomy to make decisions is respected.
- Openness to all options: Each partner is open to all possible options.
- Focus on clarity: The sessions are geared towards gaining insight and clarity regarding the relationship.
- Communication and respect: Each partner communicates their perspective respectfully.
- Commitment: Each partner commits to the process.
Is It Just Staying or Leaving?
Discernment therapy can help people gain clarity regarding their relationships. This can be more than just staying in or leaving the relationship. Partners have many more options, which depend on their unique relationship and individual needs.
- Separating (temporarily) or taking some time apart.
- Staying together but not taking the next step (e.g., moving in together or getting married).
- Rethinking their relationship arrangement.
- Identifying what a platonic relationship could look like.
Things to Consider Before Discernment Counseling
Discernment counseling does not have to be your first step before separation. Before initiating discernment counseling, consider the following:
- What is driving me/us to seek this approach?
- Why am I considering separation?
- Have I explored all my options?
- Are the problems manageable?
- How have I contributed to the relationship problems?
- Can relationship therapy be a better fit for us?
- Can individual therapy be a better fit for me?
- Are there external stressors impacting my decision?
- Do I have an ulterior motive for seeking this approach?
- For example, am I only seeking this counseling approach in hopes it will convince my partner to stay?
Reflective Questions
If you are considering discernment counseling, here are some reflective questions to consider:
- What fears or concerns do you have about working on the relationship?
- What are your biggest concerns about the possibility of separating or divorcing?
- What would make it worth the effort to try to improve the relationship?
- What is your healing together or repair story? What would life look like if you chose to stay in the relationship as it is?
- What is your divorce or separation story? What do you imagine life would look like if you chose to separate?
- How do you think your partner feels about the current state of the relationship?
- What do you believe are your partner’s biggest fears regarding the future of your relationship?
Take Aways
- Discernment counseling can help partners who are contemplating separation gain clarity about their relationship.
- Discernment counseling is not focused on blame or on addressing relationship problems. The focus is on clarity.
- Before seeking discernment counseling, it’s essential to understand yourself and all your options.
- What is driving you to this point?
- What have you tried already?
- Are you open to all possible outcomes?
- Remain focused on the goal of discernment counseling, clarifying your relationship.
- Reflect on the repair and breakup narratives or stories of your relationship.
- How will your life be impacted in either way?
- What fears do you have about the future of your relationship?
While our physical offices are located in South Loop and Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago, Illinois for in-person sessions, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more.
At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.
Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.
Contact us today to learn more about our services and schedule a session with our mental health professionals to begin your healing journey. To get started with therapy, visit our booking page.
First, decide if you’ll be paying out-of-pocket or using insurance. If you’re a self-pay client, you can book directly through the “Book Now” page or fill out the “Self-Pay/Out-of-network Inquiry Form.” If you’re using insurance, fill out the “Insurance Verification Form” to receive details about your costs and availability. Please let us know your preferred therapist. If your preferred therapist isn’t available, you can join the waitlist by emailing us. Once your appointment is confirmed, you’ll receive intake documents to complete before your first session.
This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.
While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.