Staying Connected to Yourself
Sometimes people may feel a strange sense of unease deep down, even when nothing is technically wrong in their lives. Days go by, tasks are completed, people are met, plans move forward, yet an indescribable disconnect remains within them. It’s as if life is continuing, but somewhere along the way, they’ve been left behind. And the interesting thing is, most people don’t notice this right away. Because from the outside, everything might seem perfectly normal.
This is precisely where the concept of authenticity comes into play. Research defines authenticity not so much as a fixed personality trait, but rather as an experience related to how much a person feels like “themselves” within their own life. In other words, it’s not just about “knowing who we are”; it’s about our choices, relationships, and daily lives truly feeling like they belong to us. In this therapy sketch, we will examine the concept of “being authentic” and ways to feel more authentic in daily life.
What is the Authentic Self?
The “authentic self” is generally defined as the harmony felt between a person’s behaviors, emotions, values, and inner experience. In other words, authenticity is not merely about “knowing oneself,” but also about feeling that the life one leads and the relationships one builds truly reflect who one is. Here are some common components that are often emphasized when we think about authenticity (Lehman et al., 2019; Ryan & Ryan, 2019; :
- Congruence: It means the alignment of one’s behavior with their true feelings and values. For example, being able to say “no” to a plan one doesn’t want, even when everyone else says “yes.” Or choosing a career path that better aligns with one’s values, even if one knows it would be less socially acceptable.
- Low self-alienation: It simply means not constantly feeling at the end of the day, “I didn’t really act like myself today.” Or being able to feel connected to oneself deep down, even when in different environments.
- Balanced susceptibility to external influence: It means living in a way that neither completely rejects others’ influence nor changes one’s behavior solely to seek approval. For example, being able to listen to a partner’s feedback and adjust one’s behavior, but doing so not out of fear of being abandoned, but because one genuinely values the relationship.
But even though there are some shared components of authenticity across theories, the way the authentic self is understood can still vary depending on the theoretical framework being used.
Different Meanings of Authenticity
The concept of the “authentic self” is approached in different ways by various theoretical models. For example, person-centered and humanistic approaches explain authenticity primarily through the congruence (or harmony) between a person’s inner experience, self-awareness, and behavior. For instance, if someone constantly says, “I’m fine, everything’s okay,” but actually feels deeply exhausted and hurt, a disconnect arises between their inner experience and the self they present to the outside world. When a person begins to recognize and express their feelings more honestly, they may feel more authentic.
Multicomponent models argue that authenticity is not comprised of a single trait. According to these models, authentic living involves multiple components working together, such as low self-alienation and a balanced approach to external influences. For example, a person’s ability to recognize their own needs, make choices consistent with those needs, and avoid constantly changing their behavior solely to seek approval illustrates how these different aspects of authenticity work together (Wood et al., 2006).
The true-self perspective explains authenticity as behaving in a way that aligns with one’s own “true” feelings, values, and beliefs. For example, a person may feel more “authentic” not when trying to appear more socially impressive, but when engaged in an activity they truly find meaningful or when spending time with people they genuinely care about (Guenther et al., 2023).
The self-enhancement approach, on the other hand, suggests that people experience a stronger sense of authenticity when they perceive themselves as more moral, good, or ethical. For example, when someone acts honestly, compassionately, or supportively toward a friend, they may feel, “This is truly who I am.” (Guenther et al., 2023).
In short, depending on the theoretical framework you consider, the meaning of authenticity can vary slightly. While some approaches focus on the alignment between a person’s inner experience and their behavior, others emphasize how connected a person feels to their own values, and still others focus on the relationship they establish with external influences. In other words, we can say that authenticity is viewed less as a fixed concept defined in a single way and more as a multidimensional experience that highlights different aspects of various theories, which, in many ways, is fitting for authenticity itself.
Definitions of Authenticity differ, so it’s continuity.
Authenticity is not actually a static concept. It is typically approached in two distinct ways: as a “trait” and as a “state.” Trait authenticity refers to a person’s general tendency to live their life in alignment with their own values and genuine preferences. In other words, some people may feel more like themselves in their daily lives (Wood et al., 2008). State authenticity, on the other hand, is a more momentary and context-dependent experience. While a person may feel much more natural, comfortable, and genuine in certain relationships or environments, they may feel more performative, more filtered, or disconnected from themselves in other settings (Lenton et al., 2016). For this reason, authenticity is often concerned not only with the question “Who am I really?” but also with “In which relationships and environments do I feel closer to myself?” (Kernis et al., 2006).
- Trait Authenticity: For example, when someone tries to make decisions in life based on their own values, such as in career choices, relationships, and daily life, and consistently prioritizes what is truly meaningful to them rather than trying to make others happy, this can be an example of the trait of authenticity.
- State Authenticity: For example, the same person may feel much more relaxed, natural, and like themselves around certain friends, yet feel more reserved, guarded, or as if they’re putting on a show during a business meeting. So eventhough the person might feel authentic in some areas of their life, authenticity can vary depending on the specific relationship or situation.
Then, how to stay authentic?
Even though different theories approach authenticity from slightly different perspectives, many of them still point to similar underlying themes. And because authenticity can fluctuate across situations, relationships, and emotional states, it may be more realistic to think of it not as something we permanently achieve, but as something we continuously reconnect with (Rivera et al., 2019). Here are some tips:
1. Try to build relationships where you don’t feel constantly pressured to perform
People generally feel more authentic in relationships where they feel relaxed, unjudged, and free to make choices. Relationships where you constantly try to present your “perfect self” can become exhausting over time. Feeling more authentic sometimes starts simply with being in spaces where you don’t feel the need to explain yourself (Ryan & Ryan, 2019).
2. Evaluate your decisions not just based on pressure, but also on your values
People who act in alignment with their values (even in small ways in daily life) generally find their lives more meaningful. That’s why, when making a decision, it’s important to ask not just “What will people think?” but also “Is this truly meaningful to me?” (Lutz et al., 2022).
3. Authenticity does not mean completely rejecting others’ influence
Being authentic doesn’t mean disregarding anyone’s opinion. A person can sometimes be influenced by their partner, friends, or their surroundings, and that can still be authentic. What matters is that the change occurs not merely to avoid being accepted or rejected, but because it genuinely aligns with the person’s own values (Ryan & Ryan, 2019).
4. You don’t have to be exactly the same in every situation
People naturally show different sides of themselves at work, with friends, or with family. This doesn’t automatically mean you’re not authentic. Authenticity is more about maintaining a connection with yourself, even within these different roles. Because sometimes the issue isn’t about finding a single “true self”; it’s about feeling that these different versions of yourself are all part of who you are (Chen, 2019).
Takeaways:
- Authenticity is the feeling of being connected to your true self, where your behaviors, emotions, values, and choices feel aligned, and this can vary across situations rather than being a fixed trait.
- The authentic self is often described as the felt alignment between a person’s emotions, values, and behavior, where they experience congruence, low self-alienation, and balanced responsiveness to others.
- Different theories emphasize it in different ways, ranging from inner–outer consistency and value alignment to moral self-perception, making authenticity a multidimensional experience rather than a single fixed trait.
- Feeling more authentic is often less about “finding one true self” and more about noticing where you feel natural, choosing based on values instead of pressure, and building spaces and relationships where you do not feel the need to perform.
References:
Lehman, D., O’Connor, K., Kovacs, B., & Newman, G. (2019). Authenticity. Academy of Management Annals. https://doi.org/10.5465/annals.2017.0047.
Wood, A., Linley, P., Maltby, J., Baliousis, M., & Joseph, S. (2008). The Authentic Personality: A Theoretical and Empirical Conceptualization and the Development of the Authenticity Scale. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 55, 385-399. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.55.3.385.
Lenton, A., Slabu, L., & Sedikides, C. (2016). State Authenticity in Everyday Life. European Journal of Personality, 30, 64 – 82. https://doi.org/10.1002/per.2033.
Kernis, M., & Goldman, B. (2006). A Multicomponent Conceptualization of Authenticity: Theory and Research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 283-357. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0065-2601(06)38006-9.
Rivera, G., Christy, A., Kim, J., Vess, M., Hicks, J., & Schlegel, R. (2019). Understanding the Relationship Between Perceived Authenticity and Well-Being. Review of General Psychology, 23, 113 – 126. https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000161.
Ryan, W., & Ryan, R. (2019). Toward a Social Psychology of Authenticity: Exploring Within-Person Variation in Autonomy, Congruence, and Genuineness Using Self-Determination Theory. Review of General Psychology, 23, 112 – 99. https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000162.
Lutz, P., Newman, D., Schlegel, R., & Wirtz, D. (2022). Authenticity, Meaning in Life, and Life Satisfaction: A Multicomponent Investigation of Relationships at the Trait and State Levels.. Journal of personality. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12753.
Chen, S. (2019). Authenticity in Context: Being True to Working Selves. Review of General Psychology, 23, 60 – 72. https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000160.
Guenther, C., Zhang, Y., & Sedikides, C. (2023). The Authentic Self Is the Self-Enhancing Self: A Self-Enhancement Framework of Authenticity. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 50, 1182 – 1196. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672231160653.
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