The Benefits of Maintaining Independence in Relationships

Life’s challenges can be overwhelming; everyone deserves a space to feel heard and supported. At Roamers Therapy, we provide trauma-informed, culturally sensitive, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and evidence-based environments to help you heal, grow, and navigate your mental well-being journey. As your psychotherapist, we are here to guide you every step of the way.

Find a Specialist!

Getting caught up in our new person can feel easy and exciting when entering new relationships. We might experience a period where we always want to spend time with our significant other. Or we live with our partners and spend most of our daily time with them. Falling in love or being around our partner is a great beauty and excitement. But sometimes, these feelings can transition into too much dependence and a loss of self. Our sense of self will inevitably change if we are in a relationship. We share our lives and make decisions based on someone we love rather than just ourselves. At the same time, there is great benefit in ensuring we maintain a certain level of independence in our relationship. This doesn’t mean divesting from your partner but rather practicing secure boundaries to strengthen your mutual happiness in the relationship. This raises the question, “Is it possible to be committed and independent at the same time?” The answer is definitely yes! Maintaining independence in a relationship ensures continuity, satisfaction, well-being, and long-term happiness. As relationships develop through mutual interactions, strong emotional bonds, and unlimited shared experiences, preserving partners’ sense of autonomy contributes to their healthy dynamics. In this therapy sketch, we will cover essential insights into healthy relationships by exploring the effects of maintaining independence on relationships.

What does maintaining independence look like in relationships?

This will be different for every person and couple, as we are all unique beings. For some, it may look like spending quality time with friends without their partner present. For others, it may mean carving out time to participate in an activity or hobby like a regular art or fitness class on their own. Couples living together may want designated alone time to read, watch their favorite show, or cook something to recharge. The key to maintaining these boundaries of independence is to communicate and practice consistency. Talking with your partner and expressing your feelings and needs is essential, using ‘’I’’ statements. You remind them that this is not because you don’t want to spend time with them, but rather that you need your independent time to recharge or explore personal interests.

Healthy Dependency vs Codependency

When we mention independence, it can sound like complete autonomy, but these two concepts differ in specific terms. Dr. John Gottman’s research on this topic in the context of relationships revealed two different types of “dependency” in relationships: healthy dependency and codependency.

Healthy dependency implies a secure bond between partners. They can rely on one another, reach out for support and comfort, and connect without enmity. It can be considered a form of turning toward your partner. Turning toward your partner is the third level of Gottman’s model of “The Sound House of Relationship”. Turning toward your partner means making an effort to form and develop the bond between you and your partner, and accepting bids from the significant other. Healthy dependence can look like, “yes, you might not need help around that issue, but you can rely on your significant other if something comes up, and accept help when it is offered.” It can also involve accepting influence, which means adopting a partner’s ideas and actions from time to time. Avoiding accepting influence time to time and asserting autonomy too much might result in turning away and might create an unhealthy power dynamic within relationships. On the other hand, accepting influence from the partner frequently can lead to an enmeshed relationship or codependency. (The Gottman Institute, 2018)

The second type is codependency. Codependency in a relationship means focusing on the partner’s needs instead of your own needs. This means that one partner relies too much on the other regarding emotional stability, self-worth, or decision making. It can emerge like not making any decision without asking your other partner, starting to do every activity together, and discontinuing the ones you liked before the relationship, being afraid of saying no to your partner. For example, you might feel ashamed or guilty due to your partner’s behaviors. Codependency causes partners to maintain their self-identity in relationships and results in difficulty functioning independently. One partner might feel a significant imbalance in power dynamics within the relationship. (The Gottman Institute, 2024)

Why do we become codependent?

We can answer this question from different perspectives. From a cognitive-behavioral perspective, codependency in relationships stems from dysfunctional thought processes. Cognitive distortions like idealization, catastrophizing, and personalization strengthen irrational beliefs in relationships (Beck, 1976). For example, individuals who idealize their partners may ignore negative traits or behaviors and attribute their emotional codependence to love rather than other reasons. Similarly, catastrophizing about possible breakups can create a sense of urgency that sustains dependency (Ellis, 1962). Personalization means the tendency to attribute relationship problems to personal flaws. It can worsen dependency and heighten feelings of inadequacy and fear of being rejected. (Leahy, 2001). Behavioral patterns also play a role in codependency. Negative reinforcement, such as avoiding loneliness or conflict, motivates individuals to remain in codependent relationships despite dissatisfaction (Rusbult et al., 1986).

From an attachment theory perspective, early caregiver-child interactions shape attachment styles in adulthood, including romantic relationships. These attachment styles affect secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized individuals’ approaches to intimacy, dependence, and emotional regulation. Securely attached individuals tend to have healthy relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and emotional autonomy. In contrast, individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are more prone to emotional dependence. Research shows that dependence in relationships often arises from unresolved attachment issues (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).

As a result, codependency in relationships can be rooted in cognitive distortions or attachment-related issues, or both. Over time, this can create a cycle where self-worth becomes tied to the relationship. As mentioned above, Gottman’s research emphasizes the importance of healthy dependence. Maintaining a strong self-identity is an important factor in breaking this cycle. Let’s take a closer look at the importance of self-identity in relationships.

The Importance of Self-Identity in Relationships

As individuals maintain their independence, they gain various advantages not only in their relationships but also in their personal lives. One of the most significant benefits of sustaining independence is strengthening self-identity. According to Deci & Ryan’s (1985) Self-Determination Theory, autonomy is recognized as a fundamental psychological need for all individuals. When people continue to nurture their unique interests, hobbies, needs, and desires, they preserve a strong sense of self, preventing dependency or identity loss within the relationship. A well-established sense of self enables individuals to enter relationships with a strong personal foundation, fostering mutual growth and understanding between partners.

If the idea of maintaining individual autonomy or independence feels uncomfortable, it may be helpful to explore the underlying emotions. Is it fear of rejection? Or abandonment? Or desire for more quality time? Ask yourself what scares you about maintaining independence, and if you discover that you want your time with your partner to be more meaningful, express this to them in a comfortable way. When we take time to understand our own needs, we can see how independence helps both partners grow with mutual trust. These are two key benefits of maintaining independence, and we’ll explore them further below.

The Benefits of Maintaining Independence in Relationships

Relationship with Mutual Respect and Trust

It is a valuable fact that independence brings various advantages to relationships. Holmes and Rempel (1989) argue that when partners in a relationship have autonomy, it promotes mutual respect and reduces mistrust. When individuals are reassured of their independence, their ability to communicate openly and honestly improves, allowing conflicts to be maintained constructively and problems to be solved more easily. On the other hand, trust is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and independence strengthens trust by demonstrating partners’ confidence in each other’s ability to function as individuals.

Attractiveness Preserved Relationship

Another advantage of independence in relationships is that it contributes to the attraction between partners. According to the Self-Expansion Model proposed by Arthur Aron and Elaine Aron (1986), individuals are attracted to partners who contribute to their personal development. This is because, when partners maintain their individual passions and goals, they bring different perspectives and experiences to the relationship, keeping the excitement of the relationship alive. Maintaining independence ensures that partners continue to see each other as developing and interesting individuals; this helps to maintain attraction and prevent boredom in the relationship.

Healthy and Meaningful Relationship

Dr. John Gottman is one of the experts who draws attention to the importance of independence in relationships. According to Gottman, individuals often ignore each other in relationships not out of malice but because of their need for intimacy and independence. Gottman describes this phenomenon with the words, ‘’Marriage is something of a dance. There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy.’’ (Gottman & Silver, 2000). Conflicts will likely arise if partners fall on opposite ends of the spectrum regarding what they need (Khalaf & Khalaf, 2024). This is because some people need more frequent intimacy, while others need more independence. So, when balancing intimacy and independence in relationships, considering your partner’s needs and expectations is essential for a healthy and meaningful relationship.

Happy and Intimate Relationship

If we cannot allow ourselves the physical, emotional, and mental space needed to develop and maintain autonomy, can we truly reveal ourselves to another? Intimacy, the determinant of relationship dynamics, must be nurtured and valued, but it cannot tolerate being demanding or swallowed up (Fry, 2024). This is precisely why, if we seek ‘’real’’ intimacy in relationships, we must first take care of ourselves, because this leads us on the path to someone else’s intimacy. Another benefit of maintaining independence and developing autonomy in relationships is a more fulfilling and meaningful relationship. If someone is aware of their own limitations, expectations, and desires, they can have a happier, healthier, and more satisfying intimate relationship. Remember, we cannot offer our true selves to others without knowing ourselves well enough.

Practical Strategies for Balancing Independence and Togetherness

Turning toward each other rather than enmeshment: Turning toward also means being responsive and present within the relationship. This can include bids for a partner’s attention, gestures or acts for emotional closeness, and support. Responding to them strengthens the bond between partners; however, that does not mean that you need to sacrifice independence altogether. To balance that, you need to be emotionally available while maintaining personal boundaries.
Maintain your interest within the relationship: A Healthy relationship brings each partner’s unique strengths, interests, and passions. According to Gottman, couples who maintain their personal interests and social connections outside the relationship tend to have stronger bonds. This means engaging in hobbies, friendships, and self-growth while also nurturing the relationship.
Use gentle start-ups to express needs for independence within a relationship: There might be some times you feel codependent or enmeshed to the relationship. Using gentle start-ups might help to begin discussions in a non-blaming, constructive way. For example, saying “I love spending time with you but I need to see my friend alone today” is a healthier communication way than withdrawing or blaming.

In conclusion, it is clear that maintaining independence in relationships positively affects relationship dynamics in many ways. For a healthy, meaningful, and sustainable relationship, it is essential for partners to have autonomy. Being in a relationship where mutual independence is respected offers partners a balanced and harmonious intimacy, while a relationship where both parties can deal with their emotions and problems independently serves as a source of support for partners and encourages mutual growth. When we realize that we are lost in relationships, we must remember that we cannot survive in another relationship unless we remain true to ourselves and strive to develop it. We cannot flourish in other relationships if we don’t plant the seeds within ourselves.

Takeaways

The balance between commitment and independence in relationships closely affects relationship dynamics.
Dependence on the partner in relationships has many negative effects, such as loss of self-identity, anxiety, vulnerability to harassment and violence, and deterioration of psychological well-being.
Maintaining partners’ autonomy in a relationship is essential for a happy, healthy, satisfying, and meaningful relationship.
Suggested strategies for maintaining independence in relationships include always being sensitive to each other rather than enmeshment, having personal interests outside the relationship, and using gentle language to express the need for independence within the relationship.

References

Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1986). Love and the expansion of self: Understanding attraction and satisfaction. Hemisphere Publishing Corp/Harper & Row Publishers. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1986-98255-000
Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.61.2.226
Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. International Universities Press.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behavior. Plenum.
Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and emotion in psychotherapy. Lyle Stuart.
Fry, L. (2024, March 4). Intimacy and space. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/intimacy-and-space/
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.
Holmes, J. G., & Rempel, J. K. (1989). Trust in close relationships. In C. Hendrick (Ed.), Close relationships (pp. 187–220). Sage Publications, Inc. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1989-97192-008
Khalaf, D., & Khalaf, C. (2024, March 4). The dance between intimacy and independence in marriage. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/dance-intimacy-independence-marriage/
Leahy, R. L. (2001). Overcoming resistance in cognitive therapy. Guilford Press.
Rusbult, C. E., Johnson, D. J., & Morrow, G. D. (1986). Impact of couple patterns of problem-solving on distress and nondistress in relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 50(4), 744–753. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.50.4.744
The Gottman Institute. (2018). What does it mean to accept influence? https://www.gottman.com/blog/accept-influence/
The Gottman Institute. (2024). What is codependency in relationships? https://www.gottman.com/blog/codependency-in-relationships/

While our physical offices are located in South Loop and Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago, Illinois for in-person sessions, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more.

Book Now!

At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.

Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.

Contact us today to learn more about our services and schedule a session with our mental health professionals to begin your healing journey. To get started with therapy, visit our booking page.

First, decide if you’ll be paying out-of-pocket or using insurance. If you’re a self-pay client, you can book directly through the “Book Now” page or fill out the “Self-Pay/Out-of-network Inquiry Form.” If you’re using insurance, fill out the “Insurance Verification Form” to receive details about your costs and availability. Please let us know your preferred therapist. If your preferred therapist isn’t available, you can join the waitlist by emailing us. Once your appointment is confirmed, you’ll receive intake documents to complete before your first session.

This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.