What Happens When Setting Boundaries Isn’t Enough?

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Boundaries are personal limits we deliberately establish to help us manage relationships more effectively and safeguard our well-being. They serve as protective barriers in our lives, such as our time, emotional well-being, psychological health, and physical space. By setting clear boundaries, we can better create our personal space, values, and specific needs for others, facilitating healthier communication and mutual respect.

Establishing healthy boundaries is essential for nurturing interpersonal relationships and maintaining a strong and positive relationship with ourselves. These boundaries are important for preventing misunderstandings and conflicts and are crucial in having trust and intimacy within our connections. They help to ensure that we protect our own needs while also being considerate of those of others.

However, setting boundaries is not always straightforward. Sometimes, simply establishing these limits isn’t enough. In situations where your boundaries are violated, additional steps or strategies are necessary to get back these boundaries. In this sketch, we will explore what boundaries are, how to set them properly, and what to do when mere boundary-setting does not suffice to create the relationships we desire.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are personal limits we set for ourselves to help us better navigate relationships. People set boundaries to protect their time, space, finances, belongings, physical well-being, emotional well-being, and intellect. Though we commonly consider boundaries only necessary for harmful or ruptured relationships, boundaries are essential for all relationships. The healthiest relationships have boundaries, but it does not mean that having boundaries is enough for healthy relationships. Because boundaries are not uniform, they tend to form in a spectrum. In literature, three different types of boundaries are defined: rigid, porous, and healthy (TherapistAid, 2016). People generally have different mixes of these three boundary styles. Here are definitions of the three boundary styles:

Porous boundaries occur when personal information is overshared between parties. This concept of overdoing reflects most of the relationship’s parts, such as involving the other party’s life and over-depending the other’s opinions. It leaves no room for saying no or accepting the violation of values driven by fear of rejection.

Rigid boundaries occur when there’s limited communication between parties. These boundaries often make someone more cautious about sharing personal information, which can create distance and a sense of detachment from others.

Healthy boundaries occur when parties exchange personal information without over- or under-sharing it. This is a balanced state in the spectrum mentioned above. They know the boundaries’ personal limits, consider the other party’s values and opinions, and respect them. Also, there is always room for saying “no” without concern.

Examples of Healthy Boundaries:

Some boundaries we may set in our relationships include:

“I prefer not to share personal details of my life at work.”
“I would feel more comfortable hanging out if we both wear our masks.”
“I understand things come up. Moving forward, can you let me know ahead of time if you are running late?”
“I get that you are understaffed, but I make it a point not to work more than my 40-hour week so I have time to spend with my family.”
“I know you are feeling overwhelmed, but I cannot continue this conversation if you keep shouting at me.”

Why are Boundaries Important?

Setting boundaries with your romantic partner, friends, children, or people in your work life is necessary for interpersonal relationships. Having boundaries in relationships helps us to communicate our needs and wants clearly and openly, without fear of other people’s reactions. At the same time, it prevents other people from using us for their gain and from harming us. Setting personal boundaries and avoiding violating them improves our self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-awareness.

How to Set Boundaries?

Establishing boundaries is a journey that involves self-awareness and reflection. This reflection touches on various aspects of our relationships, like our needs, the challenges we might face, and how they affect us. Once you’ve taken that time to reflect, the next step is to have open conversations with others. It’s essential to express how you feel and what you need kindly. After sharing your boundaries, another step is to check in with yourself to see if your boundaries are working. Sometimes, setting boundaries with kind conversations might not be enough (Stanford, 2024)

Is Setting Boundaries Enough?

Unfortunately, setting boundaries is not always enough. It is only half the job. When people set boundaries with others, they lose a benefit they once had access to when there were no boundaries. This may frustrate people, but it does not imply that their boundaries are wrong or incorrect.

When we deny someone a benefit due to a boundary we set, the person may try to convince us to do what they want through persuasion, coercion, guilt-tripping, or other forms of manipulation. This can look like:

“Everyone works more than 40 hours when the team needs them to. Do you think your time is more valuable than theirs?”
“It’s $50 I am asking for; it’s not like you need it.”
“Why can’t you just let me vent? If my feelings meant something to you, you would just let me be frustrated.”
“Come on! We’re all friends at work. You can talk to us about your dating life.”

Extreme Cases: Enmeshed Relationships

Enmeshed relationships are a form of unhealthy boundary setting (especially porous boundaries). Individuals cannot protect their identities in enmeshed relationships because they become overly connected. Even though this can be seen in romantic partners at most, it can be seen in other relationships, such as familial relationships or friendships. This enmeshment leaves no room for individuals to hold personal goals or values. It can emerge for different reasons, such as positive aspects of the relationship, feelings of obligation, or feelings of responsibility for the other person or relationship itself. This can lead to losing touch with your feelings and needs due to focusing on others, sacrificing your interests, or relying on a relationship more than your self-identity. It may also involve conflict avoidance, feeling others’ emotions as your own, or being controlled by other’s expectations. Enmeshed relationships can result in anxiety, guilt, or loss of self-identity.

Exploring Your Boundaries

Exploring boundaries involves insight into physical, emotional, and social limits. According to Gharabaghi, it consists of recognizing one’s personal values and the norms one is bound to in society (Gharabaghi, 2008). Writing down your values and observing your physical, emotional, and social limits can help you concretize your values in your mind. However, having insight into your limits might not be enough. Testing your limits in safe interactions can be important to see if they fit your needs well (Ryder & Bartle, 1991). For example, some limits you write about might not serve you as you are used to (because we all change and evolve and our needs constantly change), or some limits have never been tested. For example, dancing with a partner might challenge your boundaries, but dancing solo with your friends might comfort you. You might never know which works best if you have never tested this. But the crucial thing here is to make these tests in safe interactions without crossing your boundaries. Knowing when to take a break from testing is vital, especially if it starts to feel unhelpful for you all. Another exploration method is to communicate with others. Relationships offer incredible opportunities to explore yourself. Talking about your boundaries and exploring your values with someone you trust or love (family member, friend, or mentor) can significantly help you recognize your limits. Nevertheless, exploring your boundaries is an active process of reflection that brings a unique type of self-exploration.

What Happens When Setting Boundaries Is Not Enough?

If we set a boundary that isn’t respected, it’s important to remember that boundaries are personal. This means we get to decide what boundaries are set, how rigid our boundaries are, and who our boundaries affect. Here are some tips to avoid when reinforcing boundaries.

Don’ts:

Do not give in even if you feel pressured. Remember, once we give in, our boundaries become porous, and we reinforce the idea that the limits we set for ourselves are mere suggestions.
Do not encourage or invite suggestions or feedback on boundaries. Boundaries are personal; they are not collaborative.
Do not express apprehension or insecurity. If we lead with ambivalence, it can come off as uncertainty, which invites further persuasion or questioning.

What to do when boundaries are crossed?

If we set a boundary that isn’t respected, it’s important to remember that any boundary is only as good as how it is maintained or reinforced. Here are some tips to practice.

Communicate your boundaries clearly and firmly.
Speak with confidence
Use “I” statements
Stand your ground
Create consequences
For example, “I understand if you feel safe not wearing masks, and I respect your decision. I, however, do not feel safe around people who do not wear masks, and I will not be hanging out with people who do not.”

What to do when you have enmeshed boundaries?

It’s essential to be aware of your emotions. If you’re experiencing negative feelings, it may indicate an underlying issue about boundaries. Considering how you wish to proceed might be another step to reflect on your values and re-establish your boundaries accordingly. Following this, it is really important to communicate your feelings openly and honestly with the other party. Utilizing “I” statements can help ensure that your message is received clearly and without resentment. It is also important to be prepared for potential resistance, as changing long-term habits can be challenging. Finally, it might be helpful to start baby steps initially to establish healthy and balanced boundaries.

Case Example: How do you manage if your boundaries are crossed?

Several people might cross boundaries with different aspects of someone’s life. For example, let’s look at Mary’s life. She is married and has two kids who are in university. After carefully exploring her values, she returned to university and finished her education after 20 years. Here are the violations she is facing:

Her husband blames her because her lack of appearance is disrupting the housework.
Her sister calls her daily for minor “emergencies,” disrupting her schedule.
Her friends mock her for returning to school 20 years later.

As you can see, Mary is experiencing multiple boundary violations. To handle that, she can practice setting boundaries. Let’s provide clear and assertive communication examples, confidently utilizing “I” statements.

Mary can tell her husband, “I recognize your concerns, but it’s important for you to respect the balance between my education and home life. I’m willing to share responsibilities but also need your support.”
Mary can tell her sister, “I truly care about you, but sometimes I can’t drop every challenge you face during the day due to my new schedule. I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m available, but I need you to wait until my classes finish. ”
Mary can tell her friends, “I understand you have your opinions, but I’ve chosen to return to school because it’s important to me. I hope you can respect my decision.”

Takeaways

Here are some things to remember when setting and maintaining boundaries:

Boundaries are personal limits we set for ourselves.
Boundaries are healthy in all relationships.
Boundaries are personal, so we do not need others’ opinions, feedback, or input when setting boundaries.
Setting boundaries is not always enough. People who have benefitted from relationships that lacked boundaries may become upset when boundaries are set.
A boundary is only as strong as its reinforcement. When we do not reinforce our boundaries, our boundaries become porous guidelines or suggestions rather than firm limits.
When setting and reinforcing boundaries, communicate clearly and confidently, and set consequences for your boundaries.

References

Therapist Aid LLC. (2016). What are Personal Boundaries? TherapistAid.com, 1. https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf
How is Life Tree(ting) You?: Trust, Safety, and Respect – The Importance of Boundaries. (2024). Student Affairs. https://studentaffairs.stanford.edu/how -life-treating-you-importance -of-boundaries
Gharabaghi, K. (2008). Boundaries and the Exploration of Self. Child & Youth Services, 30, 165 – 184. https://doi.org/10.1080/01459350903107327.
Ryder, R., & Bartle, S. (1991). Boundaries as distance regulators in personal relationships. Family Process, 30(4), 393-406.

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At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.

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This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.