Emotional Masochism
The word “masochism” refers to the psychological, physical, or s-xual pleasure or gratification that comes from one’s own pain. Emotional masochism (sometimes referred to as grief masochism or “glad to be sad”) refers to the emotional pain individuals may inflict on themselves without any intention of stopping. Emotional masochism is a self-destructive behavior pattern.
What is Emotional Masochism?
Emotional masochism is the difference between pain and suffering. Pain refers to the inevitable and difficult events that are a part of the human experience—suffering is what happens when we reject reality and the pain that comes with it. Suffering is what happens when we choose to engage in emotional masochism.
What Does Emotional Masochism Look Like?
Emotional masochism can look different for different people. Common examples of emotional masochism include:
- Ruminating on a trauma or issue
- Becoming protective of traumas or grief
- Engaging in self-punishment
- Practicing self-harm, self-punishment, or unhealthy coping
- Engaging in self-deprecating humor or thoughts
- Setting oneself up for self-defeat
- Developing a victim or failure mentality or identity
- Adopting a hopeless outlook
What Factors Contribute to Emotional Masochism?
Research shows that while many experiences can lead to emotional masochism, people who have experienced any form of trauma may be at the highest risk. Other factors include…
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Low self-esteem
- Hopelessness and despair
- Issue with control.
Why do People Engage In Emotional Masochism?
There are many reasons why someone might engage in emotional masochism. These reasons may include…
- Fearing that moving forward means forgetting
- Fearing that healing diminishes or invalidates our pain
- Believing we deserve to suffer
- Believing we do not deserve compassion, love, or healing Feeling despair around healing, growth, or change
- Having low self-esteem or self-worth Feeling protected by these behaviors
- Engaging in these behaviors provides a sense of control.
How Does Emotional Masochism Affect Us?
Emotional masochism is a self-destructive patterned behavior that has many negative impacts on our health and wellbeing, which include…
- Feeling perpetually trapped in our grief
- Losing empathy for ourselves
- Creating self-fulfilling prophecies
- Believing hurting is the key to healing
- Reinforcing negative views about ourselves
- Falling deeper into depression and anxiety
- Developing unhealthy coping mechanisms
- Developing eating disorders
How Can We Manage Emotional Masochism?
Managing emotional masochism can be difficult, especially if it has become a familiar behavior or mindset. However, there are things we can do:
- Practice self-compassion routinely
- Challenge negative or rigid thoughts
- Reflect on pain/grief and journal about them
- Seek support from a trusted loved one
- Develop a positive outlook on ourselves
- Separate ourselves from our grief and trauma
- Participate in routine self-care and healthy coping mechanism
- Practice habit replacement techniques
- Engage in radical acceptance as a form of distress tolerance
- Talk to a therapist about these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors
While our physical offices are located in South Loop and Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago, Illinois for in-person sessions, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more.
This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.
While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.