People Pleasing
Life’s challenges can be overwhelming; everyone deserves a space to feel heard and supported. At Roamers Therapy, we provide trauma-informed, culturally sensitive, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and evidence-based environments to help you heal, grow, and navigate your mental well-being journey. As your psychotherapist, we are here to guide you every step of the way.
People-pleasing refers to a pattern of behaviors in which an individual prioritizes the comfort, wants, and needs of others. In other words, people-pleasing individuals tend to put the needs of others above their own. People-pleasing individuals are likely to prioritize the needs of others even if it means sacrificing their own needs.
What Are The Characteristics of a People Pleaser?
Individuals who engage in people pleasing might tend to…
- Strive to make others happy
- Fear of letting others down
- Maintain porous boundaries
- Identify as “givers” or as “selfless
- Require external reassurance and validation
- Feel happiest when helping others
- Avoid conflict
What Do People Pleasing Look Like?
People pleasing, like many behaviors, can take many forms. Common people-pleasing behaviors include:
- Difficulty saying “no” Trouble setting or maintaining boundaries
- Avoiding conflict or confrontation
- Feeling guilty when setting boundaries
- Being too agreeable
- Over apologizing
- Doing the emotional labor of others
- Taking on too many responsibilities
- Worrying about the perceptions of others
- Wanting to be well-liked
- Refusing to ask for help
- Neglecting personal needs
Why Engage In People Pleasing?
There are many reasons why someone might engage in people-pleasing behaviors. Some of the most common reasons include:
- Trauma Attachment
- Culture Low
- Self-esteem
There may also be more than one reason someone might engage in people-pleasing. For example, both trauma and attachment can lead to people-pleasing independently, but trauma can also cause attachment anxiety, which can lead to people-pleasing.
Why Engage In People Pleasing?
- Trauma
People who have experienced trauma (e.g., childhood racial, historical, relational, work, and complex) might engage in people-pleasing as a form of survival or protection. When someone gets triggered, their fawning response may become activated and lead them to people-pleasing. For example, They Might Have trouble maintaining work boundaries out of fear of disappointing a supervisor.
- Attachment
People with anxious or anxious-avoidant attachments may engage in people-pleasing behaviors out of fear of being abandoned. For example, They May Apologize to end an argument and keep their partner happy.
- Culture
Different social-cultural and religious norms may encourage behaviors that prioritize the needs of others. For example, Collaborative cultures value behaviors that benefit the larger community, which can lead to people-pleasing.
- Self-Esteem
People with low self-esteem might develop” agreeable” personalities and engage in people-pleasing behaviors to be well-liked. This may be especially true for folks who were bullied or ostracized as children. For example, Agreeing with someone’s side during a conflict so that they view us as trustworthy and like us more.
Why Is People Pleasing Harmful?
It’s okay to help others, but when helping others consistently comes at the cost of our well-being, our behaviors can become harmful and toxic. People-pleasing behaviors can lead to…
- Resentment
- Ruptured relationships
- Fatigue and burnout
- Self-abandonment Loss of identity
- Anxiety
- Depression
Find the Best Therapist in Chicago to Manage People Pleasing
If you engage in pleasing people, chances are you have been doing this for a long time. These behaviors have likely served a purpose at some point, but perhaps they are now causing more harm than good. Here are some ways to manage people pleasing:
- Practice setting and maintaining boundaries
- Prioritize your needs before the needs of others
- Challenge guilt, anxiety, and cognitive distortions
- Reflect on what is triggering the behaviors
- Use affirmations to develop a sense of worth
- Engage in identity-affirming behaviors (like hobbies)
- Practice self-care routinely
- Talk to a therapist about these behaviors and related traumas and underpinnings.
At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.
Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.
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This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.
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