What is Turning Towards?
Life’s challenges can be overwhelming; everyone deserves a space to feel heard and supported. At Roamers Therapy, we provide trauma-informed, culturally sensitive, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and evidence-based environments to help you heal, grow, and navigate your mental well-being journey. As your psychotherapist, we are here to guide you every step of the way.
Turning towards is a phenomenon coined by Dr. John Gottman through his extensive research with couples. It refers to the third level of Dr. Gottman’s Sound Relationship House. Turning towards is something that happens when one partner makes a bid (i.e., an attempt for emotional connection, affection, or attention), and the other partner accepts the bid. Accepting a bid, or turning towards, can take many different forms. It can be very direct: your partner might say something like, “I had a bad day, and I could use a hug,” and you would give them a hug. Bids can also be more subtle such as a smile or a wink your partner gives you, to which you might smile or wink back. When we are able to accept our partners’ bids, it positively impacts our relationship.
How does turning towards affect us?
It can be difficult to recognize our partners’ bids — let alone respond to them. According to Dr. Gottman, there are innumerous bids, and each one is an opportunity to connect with our partners on a deeper level. However, the opposite is true when we are unable to accept their bids (or vice versa). When we miss a bid, it is known as turning away and it can make our partners feel rejected. When bids are consistently missed, it can lead to decreased bids. Through his research, Dr. Gottman found that couples who stayed together were more likely to turn towards and accept their partners’ bids; whereas, partners who missed bids were more likely to break up.
Find the Best Therapist in Chicago to Practice Turning Towards
Every bid is an opportunity to turn towards and build a stronger connection with our partners. However, it can be very difficult to recognize the bids our partners make. In order to get better at turning towards, we need to get better at paying attention. The more we pay attention, the better we will be able to identify different bids our partners may make (e.g., a sigh, a smile, a wink). In turn, we will be better equipped to respond and accept their bids. If we are the ones making the bids, then it can be helpful to communicate clearly what we want or need from our partner (e.g., “I’d like a hug and to talk about my day”). Other ways to turn towards are to help your partner with chores, to give your partner compliments, and to give your partner other signs of affections. These are small actions we can do which can have long term, positive impacts on our relationship.
At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.
Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.
Contact us today to learn more about our services and schedule a session with our mental health professionals to begin your healing journey. To get started with therapy, visit our booking page.
First, decide if you’ll be paying out-of-pocket or using insurance. If you’re a self-pay client, you can book directly through the “Book Now” page or fill out the “Self-Pay/Out-of-network Inquiry Form.” If you’re using insurance, fill out the “Insurance Verification Form” to receive details about your costs and availability. Please let us know your preferred therapist. If your preferred therapist isn’t available, you can join the waitlist by emailing us. Once your appointment is confirmed, you’ll receive intake documents to complete before your first session.
This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.
While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.