What is Turning Towards?
Turning towards is a phenomenon coined by Dr. John Gottman, based on his extensive research with couples. It refers to the third level of Dr. Gottman’s Sound Relationship House. Turning towards occurs when one partner makes a bid (i.e., an attempt at emotional connection, affection, or attention), and the other partner accepts it. Accepting a bid, or turning towards, can take many different forms. It can be very direct: your partner might say, “I had a bad day, and I could use a hug,” and you would give them a hug. Bids can also be more subtle, such as a smile or a wink your partner gives you, to which you might smile or wink back. When we accept our partners’ bids, it positively impacts our relationship.
How does turning towards affect us?
It can be difficult to recognize our partners’ bids — let alone respond to them. According to Dr. Gottman, there are innumerable bids, and each one is an opportunity to connect with our partners on a deeper level. However, the opposite is true when we are unable to accept their bids (or vice versa). When we miss a bid, it is known as turning away, and it can make our partners feel rejected. When bids are consistently missed, it can lead to decreased bids. Through his research, Dr. Gottman found that couples who stayed together were more likely to turn towards and accept their partners’ bids; whereas, partners who missed bids were more likely to break up.
Find the Best Therapist in Chicago to Practice Turning Towards
Every bid is an opportunity to turn towards and build a stronger connection with our partners. However, it can be very difficult to recognize the bids our partners make. To get better at turning towards, we need to pay closer attention. The more we pay attention, the better we will be able to identify different bids our partners may make (e.g., a sigh, a smile, a wink). In turn, we will be better equipped to respond to and accept their bids. If we are the ones making the bids, then it can be helpful to communicate clearly what we want or need from our partner (e.g., “I’d like a hug and to talk about my day”). Other ways to turn towards your partner are to help with chores, give compliments, and offer other signs of affection. These are small actions we can do that can have long-term, positive impacts on our relationship.
At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy.
Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.
Contact us today to learn more about our services and schedule a session with our mental health professionals to begin your healing journey. To get started with therapy, you can fill out our inquiry form. You may use this form whether you plan to use insurance benefits, self-pay, or out-of-network benefits, and to receive details about your out-of-pocket costs and our therapists’ availability. Once your appointment is confirmed, you’ll receive intake documents to complete before your first session.
This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health-related definitions that are written by our therapists.
While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago and Lakeview on Chicago’s North Side, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.