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What is Weaponized Incompetence?

Weaponized incompetence occurs when someone strategically and intentionally avoids taking responsibility for tasks delegated to them by pretending to be incapable of completing them.

Weaponized incompetence can occur in a variety of settings and across different relationships, including:

  • Work/professional settings with colleagues and supervisors
  • Social relationships like friends and roommates 
  • Romantic relationships 
  • Familial relationships

Examples of weaponized incompetence include some of the following: 

  • Someone at work claims they are unable to complete a task because they have never done it. 
  • A roommate messes up chores on purpose so that they will not be asked to help out with them again. 
  • A partner or friend does not empathize with you because they claim they are not sure how to. 
  • Someone refuses to respect your identity (e.g., pronouns or name pronunciation) because they just don’t get it.

How to Spot Weaponized Incompetence?

Because weaponized incompetence is done so strategically, it can be difficult to differentiate between weaponized incompetence and a true inability to perform a task. 

The key factor to watch out for is whether the person has a desire to attempt the task that is assigned to them. This is the difference between: 

  • I have never done this before, so it may be best for you to do it so it doesn’t get messed up. 
  • I have never done this before. Would you mind answering a few questions or showing me how to do it?

What Causes Weaponized Incompetence?

There are various reasons why someone might engage in weaponized incompetence. Some of these reasons include: 

  • Self-esteem: People may fear trying something new and failing. So they may prefer not to engage in it. 
  • Desire: People may not want to learn a new task, especially if the task is cumbersome, uninteresting, boring, or unimportant to them. 
  • Laziness: People do not want to take the initiative to expand their skills by learning a new task. 
  • Stubbornness: People may be set in their ways and may not want to learn a new way of doing things, even if the newer way is more efficient.

How Does Weaponized Incompetence Affect Relationships?

Weaponized incompetence affects people and relationships in a variety of ways. Some of these include: 

  • Burnout due to taking on too much work or responsibility. 
  • Co-dependency is due to one person becoming a giver or doer and another person becoming a taker. 
  • Resentment due to feeling overworked, taken for granted, used, or overlooked.
  • Decreased relationship satisfaction due to relationships becoming routine and desire decreasing. 
  • Decreased work satisfaction due to feeling overworked or undervalued.

How to Manage Weaponized Incompetence?

When you spot weaponized incompetence, there are a few ways to manage and respond to it. Here are some tips: 

  • Acknowledge/Validate 
  • Disclose 
  • Reframe 
  • Set a boundary 
  • Offer support 

When you put this together, it can look like: 

  • I understand that taking on a new task can be daunting. However, I am feeling overwhelmed with my own bandwidth, and since this falls within your responsibilities, I need you to take this on. Plus, learning a new task will only benefit your skillset. I am more than happy enough to walk through it the first few times.

How to Manage Weaponized Incompetence?

If people continue to express reluctance to take on a new task, it’s important that you do not give in. When we give in, we reinforce their behavior. Instead, try: 

  • Asking questions. Do you have questions about the task? Is there support I can offer you to make you more successful in the task? 
  • Maintaining your boundaries. I am happy to answer your questions, but this is something that falls within your responsibilities. 
  • Asking for support. If you consistently encounter resistance, see if there is someone who can help manage the situation with you.

While our physical offices are located in South Loop and Lakeview neighborhoods in Chicago, Illinois for in-person sessions, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more.  

This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.