Where Did All the Love Go? 

Although romantic relationships are among the most important bonds in human life, the process of their ending is often more complex than we realize. When trying to explain the end of a relationship, we tend to focus on specific events like infidelity, a major argument, or a single experience that shatters trust. Of course, some relationships do indeed end following such breaking points. However, research examining relationship dynamics for many years shows that many relationships begin to unravel not because of a single event but as a result of small changes that accumulate over time. Couples often begin to experience their relationship differently months (sometimes even years) before they make the decision to end it. The tone of their conversations changes, the way they resolve conflicts shifts, intimacy diminishes, and over time, questions about the relationship’s future begin to surface. For this reason, breakups are a visible outcome of a long-standing relational process. In this sketch, we will explore the nature of breakups.

Why do we invest in a romantic relationship?

To understand this process, we must first understand why people invest in romantic relationships. Research shows that people do not expect only love or romantic attraction from relationships; many psychological needs, such as security, a sense of belonging, emotional support, friendship, the desire to build a shared future, and the formation of a reliable bond through which to share life’s challenges, are also met through romantic relationships. Over time, these shared experiences not only strengthen the bond between two individuals but also contribute to the couple’s development of a shared identity defined as “us.”

This shared identity forms the foundation of Stanley’s (2010) concept of commitment. Commitment refers to a psychological orientation that prioritizes the long-term well-being of the relationship. As commitment to the relationship grows, individuals begin to make decisions not solely based on their own needs, but by taking the relationship as a whole into account. Thus, a “me”-centered way of thinking gradually transforms into a “we”-focused relational identity. However, commitment (like trust or intimacy) is not a static trait. It can strengthen, weaken, or be rebuilt in response to the positive or negative experiences encountered throughout the relationship.

The question of “What has changed?”

Just as commitment develops over time, it rarely disappears overnight. Relationships are not static structures; they are shaped by countless small interactions that take place every day. Things like a brief conversation at the end of the day, how you respond to your partner’s difficult day, whether they feel truly heard during an argument, or the small moments of connection throughout the day are the building blocks that shape the relationship’s emotional climate. None of these moments alone determines the fate of the relationship. However, as they accumulate over time, they begin to change how partners experience each other and their relationship.

That’s why it might not be easy to answer the question “What has changed?” Rather than pointing to a single event (most of the time), the relationship may simply start to feel different. Conversations that used to flow naturally become more superficial. Arguments that could once be resolved start to repeat themselves. Time spent together no longer feels as fulfilling as it used to. Even though the partners continue to share the same life, the relationship is no longer experienced the same way it used to be.

What do we know from the research?

Through more than four decades of research, John and Julie Gottman identified several relationship processes that consistently predict long-term relationship stability and dissolution. Rather than emerging all at once, breakup ideation often develops through changes in these everyday relational processes. Here is a brief overview of the findings and their impact on the decision to break up. 

The Four Horsemen

Conflict is an inevitable part of every romantic relationship. According to Gottman’s research, what distinguishes stable relationships from distressed ones is not whether conflict occurs, but how partners communicate during conflict. Based on many years of observation, Gottman has identified four key communication patterns that erode relationships: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.

Among these patterns, contempt in particular has been identified in Gottman’s studies as one of the strongest predictors of declining relationship satisfaction and divorce. When partners develop a critical, defensive, or contemptuous communication style toward one another over time and emotionally withdraw during conflicts, this not only makes it difficult to find solutions but also contributes to a gradual decline in trust and intimacy within the relationship.

• Repair Attempts

Gottman’s research suggests that the presence of the Four Horsemen alone does not determine the course of a relationship. Equally important is whether couples are able to repair after conflict.  For this reason, “repair attempts” are defined as small efforts aimed at reducing the intensity of an argument, reestablishing emotional connection with one’s partner, and preventing the conflict from damaging the relationship. Examples of these repair attempts include apologizing, using humor, accepting your partner’s perspective, or engaging in physical closeness.

Research shows that the acceptance of these efforts plays a significant role in resolving conflict constructively. Conversely, when repair attempts are consistently rejected or lose their effectiveness, couples may begin to experience the same conflicts over and over again, and the hope that the relationship can change may gradually diminish.

• Negative Sentiment Override

When negative interactions begin to accumulate over time, a significant cognitive shift can occur in the relationship. Gottman refers to this process as “Negative Sentiment Override.” At this point, partners find it difficult to evaluate each other’s behaviors in a neutral or positive light; on the contrary, even positive behaviors may be interpreted as having negative intentions.

This situation not only increases conflict but also diminishes the effectiveness of repair attempts, such as apologies, humor, or reconciliation. Partners may increasingly begin to perceive each other as a threat or a source of disappointment, and the positive aspects of the relationship fade from view.

• Bids for Connection

As repair becomes less successful and partners see each other negatively, the emotional connection also begins to weaken outside of conflict as well. And small attempts at connection, which are called “Bids for Connection”, started to be missed. These bids may include sharing something that happened during the day, sending a funny video, or reaching for a hug. Ignoring, postponing, or rejecting these attempts or bids can cause partners to feel less seen, less understood, and more lonely over time. 

• Love Maps

As emotional distance grows and partners become less engaged in each other’s daily lives, they also become less familiar with one another’s inner worlds. According to Gottman, strong relationships are based not only on love but also on the ability to continue getting to know our partner’s inner world. For this reason, the concept of “Love Maps” refers to the mental maps we create of our partner’s fears, sources of stress, goals, hopes, daily experiences, and life changes. These maps are not static; as people change throughout their lives, we must continue to get to know our partners anew. Daily conversations, showing curiosity, asking questions, and maintaining an interest in each other’s lives help keep these maps up to date. However, when couples become less familiar with one another’s current emotional lives, the friendship that underpins a healthy relationship will begin to erode.

• Gridlocked Conflict

When all of these accumulate, some conflicts become chronic. Gottman defines these unresolved, recurring conflicts as “Gridlocked Conflicts.” In such conflicts, even if the topic of the argument changes, couples continue to relive the same cycle over and over again because the underlying needs, values, or life goals are not addressed.

Over time, these recurring conflicts not only increase disappointment but also erode the belief that the relationship can change. Instead of finding solutions, partners may begin to feel hopeless, and it is precisely at this point that questions such as “Can this relationship really get better?” or “Should I stay or should I go?” may start to arise.

What is next?

Understanding how relationships gradually deteriorate is only part of the picture. Equally important is asking what can be done once these patterns begin to emerge.   But it is important to acknowledge that the goal is not always to repair it or separate immediately. The most appropriate next step depends on where each partner is emotionally and relationally. Here are options to consider:

1. Couples Therapy: If both partners are committed to the relationship and willing to work toward change, couples therapy can help improve communication, strengthen friendship, rebuild trust, and increase the effectiveness of repair attempts.

2. Discernment Counseling: If one or both partners are uncertain about staying, Discernment Counseling helps couples gain clarity before making a major relationship decision. Rather than solving relationship problems, the focus is on understanding whether the relationship should be repaired, ended, or explored further. Discernment Counseling does not encourage couples toward a particular outcome. It leads them to think of three possible ways to move forward:

• Status Quo: Continue the relationship without making an immediate decision.
• Separation: Move toward separation or divorce thoughtfully and respectfully.
• Commit to Couples Therapy: Take separation off the table temporarily and actively work on the relationship.

Takeaways:

• Relationships often begin to change not because of a single event, but because of small interactions that accumulate over time.
• What matters is not the presence of conflict, but how couples communicate during conflict and whether they are able to repair the relationship afterward.
• Small missed moments of connection and unresolved conflicts in daily life can, over time, weaken emotional closeness and love maps.
• There is no single right decision for every couple. What matters is being able to consciously decide whether to try to repair the relationship, decide to end it, or first gain more clarity.

References:

• Le, B., Dove, N. L., Agnew, C., Korn, M. S., & Mutso, A. A. (2010). Predicting nonmarital romantic relationship dissolution: A meta-analytic synthesis. Personal Relationships, 17, 377-390.
• Norona, J. C., Olmstead, S. B., & Welsh, D. P. (2017). Breaking Up in Emerging Adulthood. Emerging Adulthood, 5, 116 – 127. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised Edition). Harmony Books.
• Bravo, V., Connolly, J., & McIsaac, C. (2017). Why Did It End? Breakup Reasons of Youth of Different Gender, Dating Stages, and Ages. Emerging Adulthood, 5, 230 – 240. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745.
• Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
• Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. The Gottman Institute.
• Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. (2016). Discernment Counseling for Troubled Relationships: Counseling Couples on the Brink of Divorce. American Psychological Association.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised Edition). Harmony Books.
• Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745.
• Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

---

At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy. 

Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.

Contact us today to learn more about our services and schedule a session with our mental health professionals to begin your healing journey. To get started with therapy, visit our booking page.

First, decide if you’ll be paying out-of-pocket or using insurance. If you’re a self-pay client, you can book directly through the “Book Now” page or fill out the “Self-Pay/Out-of-network Inquiry Form.” If you’re using insurance, fill out the “Insurance Verification Form” to receive details about your costs and availability. Please let us know your preferred therapist. If your preferred therapist isn’t available, you can join the waitlist by emailing us. Once your appointment is confirmed, you’ll receive intake documents to complete before your first session.

This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago and Lakeview on Chicago’s North Side, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.