Why Children Lie and What to Do About It

Children’s lying can be a mixed experience for caregivers. Sometimes, they may tell a harmless lie that feels funny or creative, making you think, “How did they come up with that?”. However, lying can also leave caregivers feeling confused or concerned about what it means and how to respond. In this sketch, we will take a look at common reasons why children lie and how can we respond when they do.

Can lying be a… good thing?

Lying emerges as an expected part of a child’s development. In fact, the ability to lie reflects the growth of important cognitive and social skills. One of these is commonly referred to as the theory of mind, which is a child’s developing understanding that other people have their own thoughts, feelings, and knowledge that may differ from their own, and that communication and behavior can influence what others believe or do.

This capacity is typically limited in younger children and continues to develop with age. As it develops, children begin to realize that others do not automatically know what they know. This shift can make it seem as though lying appears more suddenly, when in reality it can be tied to a deeper change in how children understand other people’s minds.

When the capacity for “theory of mind” is still emerging, young children tend to assume that what they know is shared by everyone else. In this stage, they find it harder to intentionally “lie”. For example, if you ask a 2-3-year-old who broke a toy, they may be more likely to confess because they assume the adult already understands what happened or sees the situation as they do.

By around 4-5 years and older, children start to understand that someone can think something different from what is true for them. They may also realize they can influence what others believe by choosing what to say. At this stage, they may be more likely to hide what they did or give a false answer, not necessarily out of intent to deceive for its own sake, but as part of learning how knowledge and perspective work between people.

Lying also draws on several cognitive skills that children must use simultaneously. In fact, it is not an easy job for a child to lie. A child needs to hold back the truthful response, remember what they have already said, and keep track of details so the story remains consistent. They also need to manage their behavior across different moments to avoid giving themselves away, while trying to anticipate what another person, especially an adult, might believe or suspect, so they can adjust their response.

When you think about it this way, lying requires a surprising amount of mental capacity. When children start lying, especially more than usual, it can be a sign that important cognitive skills are developing, even if the behavior itself can feel challenging for caregivers to navigate.

Why and when do children lie?

As developmentally expected as lying may be, it is still a complex behavior with real consequences in everyday life. Not all lies are small or harmless, and it is natural to worry that it could become a pattern or that a child may struggle to learn honesty and integrity if nothing is done about it. Before considering how to respond when a child lies, it can be helpful to understand some of the reasons children may lie in the moment.

To protect themselves:

Children often lie to avoid punishment, criticism, shame, or other negative consequences they anticipate. Even if there is no real consequence on that instance, what they learned and internalized from other adults and peers will affect what kind of result they will anticipate. For example, a child who has previously been harshly corrected for mistakes may still deny something they did when no punishment is actually coming in that moment.

To get what they want:

As children grow, they learn that what they say can influence how others behave. They may begin to lie to obtain rewards or advantages that once felt out of reach, such as getting more playtime, gaining extra freedom, avoiding homework, or being allowed to go to a friend’s house when they were previously told they could not.

To help others:

As children’s capacity for empathy and moral behavior grows with age, they may learn to tell tiny “white lies” to protect others’ feelings. For example, a child might say they liked a gift or someone’s outfit even though they did not, to avoid hurting other person.

To avoid uncomfortable social moments:

Sometimes children lie to avoid situations that feel emotionally or socially overwhelming. However, lying to avoid discomfort in relationships can start to become a limiting pattern if a child begins to internalize the idea that honesty is unsafe whenever it might upset someone else, or that they are responsible for managing other people’s emotions. Children would then turn to lying with a desire to avoid confrontation or a emotionally or socially overwhelming moment. When this happens, children may benefit from a little bit more support in building skills such as assertiveness and open communication, so they feel more equipped to navigate such emotionally or socially overwhelming moments.

To manage their “reputation” or to feel included:

Children sometimes tell stories in which they exaggerate their accomplishments. They may say they once went to another city by themselves, or they may even lie about some details about where they live, what their caregivers do, and more. It is common for children and younger adolescents to exaggerate skills or achievements to gain approval or attention, especially from their peers. This behavior can become more common if the child’s social environment has a tendency to reject or bully others when they notice something different or new in a child or when a child struggles with feeling confident. These moments can be supported by helping our children build stronger self-regulation and social skills, and not shaming them for lying to make themselves look different to others.

Due to difficulties in self-regulation and impulsivity

Sometimes children may lie not necessarily to deceive or change something, but because they are having a difficult time managing what they say and what to do, especially under stress or pressure. This can be more common in children who experience attention and regulation difficulties, such as ADHD or anxiety. In these moments, children may lie because they feel overwhelmed, find it hard to choose what to say, struggle to inhibit what they do not want to say, or have difficulty keeping track of what they have already said due to working memory-related challenges. That is why it can be helpful to give children time and slow the pace of communication to support them in sharing their truth. Similarly, offering children opportunities to rejoin or restart the conversation later, in ways that fit their needs, can feel supportive and accommodating.

To test reality or as a part of play

Children sometimes say things that do not make much sense, even if they are not direct lies. This is especially common in younger children, where imagination, play, and wishful thinking are closely intertwined. Children, without the same internal filters adults tend to use, may feel freer to experiment with ideas simply because they can. For example, they may say things to test reality, wondering what will happen if they say something in a particular way. Similarly, children do not always announce when they are “playing,” and we might be hearing something that is part of an extensive play script in their minds. At times, the line between reality and imagination can feel less distinct to them, leading to statements that sound like lies.

Due to confusion or misunderstanding

In younger children, sometimes the line between reality and imagination can feel less distinct for them, which can also lead to statements that sound like lies. Similarly, the way adults use language can also unintentionally shape or guide their responses, making it confusing for children to understand what is expected. Engaging in active listening, taking time to observe and understand before correcting, and using clear, age-appropriate, and easy-to-understand language can help children navigate these moments.

How to respond?

Check in with yourself first

When we, as a caregiver, feel reactive, anxious, overwhelmed, or tired, our conversations can also become more difficult. Our children can pick up on these subtle signs of distress and may interpret the situation in a way that we don’t want them to. Before responding to your child, you can try taking a few deep breaths, moving your body for a few minutes, or taking a break and coming back to the situation if you need to. When engaging demanding conversations, you can try to bring something with you that gives you comfort, like a cup of tea. When you feel grounded and regulated as a caregiver, chances are that your conversation with them will be more helpful and enjoyable.

Take your time to listen, explain and answer questions

You can start by exploring what your child already knows by asking open-ended follow-up questions and listening carefully without interrupting. This helps you understand their perspective before responding. Instead of shaming or labeling a child as “lying,” it can be more helpful to focus on the specific behavior and stay calm and curious. You might say something like, “That’s not quite how I understood it. Can you tell me what really happened?”.

You can also gently provide accurate information about the situation without harsh confrontation, helping the child connect their account with reality in a clear and supportive way. When having such conversations, it could feel more helpful to avoid turning the conversation into an intense line of questioning because too many rapid or unintentionally leading questions can feel overwhelming for children and may make them even more confused about what to do in the future. A steady and non-accusatory approach that balances honesty and exploration gives the child an opportunity to explain themselves.

Offer second chances and model repair

Another thing we can do when we find our child lying is to offer a second chance and give them time to explain themselves, while also modeling repair and responsibility. You can let your child know that it is okay to come back and explain themselves when they are ready, and that this is accepted. This can help reduce unnecessary fear around the consequences of sharing uncomfortable truths.

If the child changes their answer, it can be helpful to acknowledge the honesty and focus on repairing the situation rather than punishing the initial response. Still, having a balance is important when guiding children in their responsibilities to themselves and others. For example, if someone else is hurt by our child’s behavior, we can explain this to them and let them know that they will need to apologize to the other person. We can also let our child know that we can help them figure it out together if they don’t know how. This type of open space ensures our child knows that they can come to us and that they don’t need to lie to hide certain parts of themselves or their lives, and that even though there may be responsibility and accountability at times, support and love still exist.

When to seek support

Sometimes lying can become more complex, and our child and us as caregivers may benefit from receiving support. For example, a professional can help us better understand when:

• Our child’s lying behavior appears to be frequent and persistent, or not clearly tied to a goal or purpose like avoiding punishment
• It occurs alongside other concerns such as impulsivity, anxiety, or behavioral and learning difficulties
• It is not limited to one topic and occurs across multiple settings
• You feel you can benefit from additional support in supporting your child

Takeaways

• Lying is a developmentally expected behavior and is linked to the growth of cognitive skills like memory, self-control, and perspective-taking. As these capacities develop, children understand that others have thoughts and knowledge different from their own, and that they can influence others’ behavior with what they say.
• Children may lie for many reasons, including to avoid consequences, get what they want, protect others’ feelings, manage social situations, or navigate impulsivity and overwhelm.
• In some cases, what looks like lying may also come from imagination, testing reality, or misunderstanding rather than intentional deception.
• How caregivers respond matters. Staying regulated and avoiding shame can encourage openness and integrity in child. It can also be helpful to model repair and encourage accountability when needed.
• Taking time and approaching conversation with openness, and offering the child the opportunity to explain themselves again, gives the message that it is okay to talk about difficult and uncomfortable things with you.
• If lying is frequent, persistent, or occurs alongside other difficulties, seeking additional support can be helpful for both the child and caregiver.

References

• Dykstra, V. W., Turchio, V. M., Willoughby, T., & Evans, A. D. (2023). Longitudinal associations between impulsivity and lie‐telling in childhood and adolescence. Developmental Science, 26(4), e13370. https://doi.org/10.1111/desc.13370
• Guo, C. X., & Rochat, P. (2023). Reputation and prosocial lies in development. Social Development, 33(1). https://doi.org/10.1111/sode.12711
• Guo, C. X., & Rochat, P. (2024). What motivates early lies? Deception in 2½- to 5-year-olds. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 249, 106079. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2024.106079
• Lee, K. (2013). Little Liars: Development of verbal deception in children. Child Development Perspectives, 7(2), 91–96. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12023
• Lee, J. Y. S., & Imuta, K. (2021). Lying and Theory of Mind: A Meta-Analysis. Child Development, 92(2), 536–553. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13535
• Markowitz, D. M. (2025). From vulnerability to duplicity: Examining the connection between childhood adversity and deception. PLoS ONE, 20(4), e0321666. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0321666
• Talwar, V., & Crossman, A. (2022). Liar, liar . . . sometimes: Understanding social-environmental influences on the development of lying. Current Opinion in Psychology, 47, 101374. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101374

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