Why do awkward moments feel so uncomfortable?

Did you know there’s an unofficial National Awkward Moments Day celebrated on March 18? It’s a light-hearted day meant to acknowledge and humor the awkward moments we experience from time to time. Awkward moments are those situations when things get a bit uncomfortable, like when you say goodbye to someone but end up walking in the same direction, or when you make a joke that doesn’t really land, and the conversation goes silent. We all experience awkward moments from time to time, but here’s the interesting thing about them: they can feel pretty uncomfortable. They can make us want to run and hide, or at least feel a little bit cringed about ourselves. In this mini-sketch, we will explore what makes awkward moments so uncomfortable.

Awkward moments activate “moral emotions.”

When we feel uncomfortable in awkward moments, we may actually be experiencing what are called moral emotions (Haidt, 2003; Tangney et al., 2007). Moral emotions help us know right from wrong and act accordingly. According to Haidt (2003), these emotions are often grouped into four categories.

Other-condemning emotions: These are anger, disgust, and contempt. For example, we feel anger when someone cheats, contempt when someone is cruel, and disgust when someone violates our sense of cleanliness.
Other-praising emotions: This group includes awe and elevation. We feel these when we or others act virtuously, for example, when someone stands up for what is right.
Other-suffering emotions: This group includes empathy and compassion. For example, we feel these when we see someone we love going through a difficult time.
Self-conscious emotions: This group includes shame, guilt, regret, embarrassment, and pride. For instance, we feel guilt when we hurt someone we love, shame when we think we are a bad person in front of others, regret when we wish we had made a different choice, embarrassment when we do something clumsy in public, and pride when we achieve something important or do the right thing.

Moral emotions ensure social rules are maintained.

When we experience awkward moments, especially when they occur in front of others or violate some social rule, the discomfort we feel may stem from the activation of these “moral emotions”, particularly shame, embarrassment, guilt, and regret. If we look closely, we see that these emotions do not generate discomfort at random but provide feedback on our social acceptability. Since emotions can dictate our decisions, these moral emotions then shape our social behavior. For example, feeling guilt makes us apologize, feeling anger about our rights unites collective action. Likewise, we behave in certain ways to avoid provoking undesirable emotions in others, such as contempt and anger. When we feel shame, we withdraw, avoid others, or feel the need to improve or correct something about ourselves. In fact, simply anticipating these feelings are often enough to influence which behaviors we choose. What happens is that our wish to avoid intense negative emotions caused by social exclusion and rejection, and our desire for positive emotions caused by social inclusion and acceptance, help maintain social rules and norms.

Why do we care about following social rules so much?

Even though not everyone experiences these moral emotions to the same degree, for reasons such as personality and culture, intense reactions to social inclusion and exclusion seem universal. In fact, social pain, which occurs when we feel socially rejected or anticipate being rejected, appears to create a similar effect to physical pain in our brains (Eisenberger, 2014), which may be one reason we are guided by social rules, avoiding behaviors that might lead to social exile and favoring behaviors that make us feel socially included.

The way our brains co-opt shared mechanisms for social and physical pain might be one of the adaptations we have undergone to survive as a species. When we are in physical pain, it alerts us to the resources we need or to potential danger. If we consider our species’ evolution, we see that dependence on others was crucial for survival. When we were hunter-gatherers, we needed others to divide labor. When humans settled, rules emerged to govern the sharing of resources, such as property. This dependence meant that if we were excluded, we might not survive, which could be one reason we evolved to experience social pain as similar to physical pain.

Embracing our awkwardness

Although moral emotions serve certain social functions that help us live as a collective, this does not alleviate the discomfort caused by awkward moments. For example, when we experience awkward moments in daily life where we do not know what to say, these moments do not threaten our survival or automatically mean that we are socially excluded, yet they are still uncomfortable. So, how can we support ourselves in getting through the discomfort of awkward moments a little more easily?

Gradual exposure: Avoiding situations can actually intensify uncomfortable feelings. Gradual exposure to social discomfort, especially when combined with self-compassion, can increase our capacity to embrace awkward moments.
Self-compassion: Self-compassion means offering ourselves support, care, and kindness during difficult times. It involves recognizing that awkward moments are a common human experience, mindfully observing discomfort without judgment or a need to fix it, and responding with kindness rather than self-criticism.
Practicing social repair: Supporting ourselves in the face of awkward moments and the associated discomfort doesn’t mean we should constrain or constantly monitor ourselves or never make mistakes. On the contrary, what could be most helpful is practicing social repair after awkward moments if necessary, which could build our trust in ourselves and others.
Reach out for support: For some of us, for instance, those of us who experience social anxiety, awkward moments can feel more intense than they should. Reaching out to trusted others or seeking professional help can help us better understand our experience and help us feel safer in social situations.

Takeaways:

Awkward moments often create discomfort, probably because they engage moral emotions such as shame and guilt in ourselves, or because we anticipate that they will evoke undesirable moral emotions in others, such as anger and contempt.
Moral emotions guide social behavior, helping to maintain social norms and rules. This social regulation was probably a survival advantage for our group-dependent ancestors, as social exclusion was a threat.
Discomfort with awkwardness seems universal. For example, our brains’ reaction to physical and social pain overlaps significantly. Still, factors such as personality and culture can lead to individual differences.
Gradual exposure to social discomfort as we extend ourselves with self-compassion and practice social repair if we believe our awkwardness caused a rupture, or reaching out for additional support can help us better contain the discomfort of awkward moments and embrace them more openly.

References:

Eisenberger, N. I. (2014). Social Pain and the Brain: Controversies, Questions, and Where to Go from Here. Annual Review of Psychology, 66(1), 601–629. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010213-115146
Haidt, J. (2003). The moral emotions. In R. J. Davidson, K. R. Scherer, & H. H. Goldsmith (Eds.), Handbook of affective sciences (pp. 852–870). Oxford University Press.
Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral Emotions and Moral Behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 345–372. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.56.091103.070145

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