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Why We Hold On to What Hurts Us?

We’ve all known someone who makes us feel uneasy when we’re around them but leaves us feeling incomplete when they’re gone. Maybe it’s a partner who constantly criticizes you or a parent who has hurt you since childhood, but still craves their approval. One part of you says, “This relationship isn’t good for me,” while another part still wants to return to that person. This confusion often raises the question, “Why am I still there?” 

This bond can occur with your partner, parent, or close friend, and may even recur without your realizing it. You might feel valued one day and insignificant the next, and you might cling to those good moments in between. There can be many reasons you find yourself staying in those moments. Perhaps you’ve come to believe that love must be mixed with a bit of pain. Or deep down, you might still hold onto the hope that things will change someday. Even your body gets used to this cycle; the small “feel-good” moment that follows stress releases dopamine and oxytocin, giving you a momentary sense of relief. Those moments pull you back into that bond. And before you know it, you’re stuck between staying and leaving. 

This situation is conceptualized as trauma-bonding, which refers to an attachment that is formed with a person who has caused us harm. Examples of trauma-bonding include feeling tethered to a partner who has hurt you, feeling a sense of loyalty or forced connection to a parent who has abused you, or remaining close to a friend who is toxic towards you. Trauma-bonding is often confused with trauma connection; however, the two are distinctly different. Trauma connection refers to the bond or attachment people make through a shared experience of trauma. In this mini sketch, we will explore trauma bonding and how we can break this cycle.

What is Trauma Bonding?

A trauma bond is when a person forms a strong emotional attachment to someone who harms them. This attachment usually develops in relationships where love and fear, compassion and control are combined. Like many things in life, the trauma bond does not form instantly (Dutton & Painter, 1993). No one willingly bonds with someone who will harm them. It grows slowly and unnoticed. Over time, the depth of the bond and the pain progress in rhythm, as if one cannot exist without the other.

Research shows that this process unfolds in seven stages(Attachment Project, 2025):

  1. Love Bombing: At the beginning, one person expresses intense affection and attention to create closeness and trust.
  2. Trust and Dependence: As the relationship deepens, trust grows, and emotional dependence begins to form.
  3. Criticism and Devaluation: Over time, warmth may turn into criticism or withdrawal, leaving the other person confused and longing for the earlier connection.
  4. Manipulation and Gaslighting:  The dynamic becomes unbalanced; one person may start to question their own perception or feel unsure of what’s real.
  5. Resignation and Giving Up: Emotional exhaustion sets in, and it becomes harder to speak up or imagine leaving the pattern. 
  6. Loss of Self: After repeated cycles of confusion and control, a person may begin to lose touch with their boundaries and sense of self-worth.
  7. Emotional Addiction to the Trauma Bond Cycle: The relationship turns into a loop of closeness and distance. Moments of affection started to be followed by pain repeatedly. It makes the bond difficult to break.

Why Does Trauma-bonding Happen?

Trauma bonds usually begin when one person establishes closeness and then withdraws, and the other person tries to adapt to this rhythm. This uncertainty, this state in which warmth and harm intertwine, gradually becomes a familiar, even addictive feeling. People who initiate the trauma-bonding cycle can do it intentionally or unintentionally (The MEND Project, 2025). 

  • People who do it intentionally tend to create these cycles as a way to gain control over another person. 
  • People who do it unintentionally may not realize they are creating these harm cycles due to their own unresolved traumas or emotional immaturity. 

No matter why it happens or what someone intends, it’s important to remember that harm is harm, and it’s never okay.

People often find themselves caught in a trauma-bonding cycle not because they want to, but because of how the brain learns to connect pain with care (The MEND Project, 2025).

  • The inconsistency of affection creates an intermittent reward cycle, which gets people dependent or “hooked” on the highs of the relationship. 
  • Victims may develop low self-worth and begin to believe they deserve the treatment. 
  • Victims may experience hope for change, especially if they believe things were once good. 
  • Emotional pain, such as stress, can trigger the release of dopamine and oxytocin, neurotransmitters that make us feel happy and facilitate bonding. This can make us feel emotionally tied to the other person. 
  • If they are also being isolated, they may become dependent on their abuser. 

Who’s Affected? 

Anyone can become a victim of trauma bonding. However, some people may be more susceptible to this type of manipulation. Particularly, people who…

  • Have experiences of trauma
  • Have attachment anxiety 
  • Have low self-esteem or self-worth

How to Spot It? 

It can be difficult to tell when you are falling into a harmful trauma-bonding cycle. However, there are signs you can look out for. Signs of trauma-bonding and manipulation include: 

  • The relationship becomes too intense too quickly or evolves faster than normal. 
  • Surviving without the other person feels difficult.
  • The relationship is all highs and lows. 
  • The relationship is unpredictable. 
  • You ignore red flags.
  • Believing someone else will love you feels impossible. 

Breaking the Cycle

Trauma-bonding can cause heightened stress, which can lead to anxiety, depression, PTSD, hypervigilance, low self-worth, and depleted well-being. Further, it can impact a person’s ability to trust others, form healthy relationships, and lose their sense of self. Breaking free of an abusive cycle is hard. But there is hope. Here are some things you can do to end toxic and abusive relationship cycles: 

  1. Acknowledge the cycle. 
  2. Limit contact or cut off all contact with the person.
  3. Surround yourself with systems of support. 
  4. Practice self-care and rebuild your sense of self and identity. 
  5. Unlearn harmful views about yourself and redevelop your self-worth. 
  6. Try therapy; it can be a safe place to process this trauma. 
  7. Give yourself time and grace. This isn’t your fault, and it takes time to work through. 

Takeaways:

  • Trauma bonding is a powerful emotional attachment that forms with someone who causes harm.
  • Unlike healthy relationships that are built on trust, trauma bonds evolve over time and can lead to a loss of personal sense of self.
  • It can happen to anyone, and while breaking the cycle is hard, healing is possible through support, self-awareness, healthy boundaries, and often therapy. 

References:

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At Roamers Therapy, our psychotherapists are here to support you through anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship issues, race-ethnicity issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, ADHD, Autism, or any challenges you encounter. Our psychotherapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Acceptance, and Commitment Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, and Gottman Therapy. 

Whether you’re seeking guidance on a specific issue or need help navigating difficult emotions, we’re ready to assist you every step of the way.

Contact us today to learn more about our services and schedule a session with our mental health professionals to begin your healing journey. To get started with therapy, visit our booking page.

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This page is also part of the Roamers Therapy Glossary; a collection of mental-health related definitions that are written by our therapists.

While our offices are currently located at the South Loop neighborhood of Downtown Chicago, Illinois, we also welcome and serve clients for online therapy from anywhere in Illinois and Washington, D.C. Clients from the Chicagoland area may choose in-office or online therapy and usually commute from surrounding areas such as River North, West Loop, Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park, Lake View, Rogers Park, Logan Square, Pilsen, Bridgeport, Little Village, Bronzeville, South Shore, Hyde Park, Back of the Yards, Wicker Park, Bucktown and many more. You can visit our contact page to access detailed information on our office location.